What I’ve Learned From Conservapedia

Are you tired of the liberally biased, lame-stream media? Are your college professors being total dicks by cramming so-called “facts” down your throat? You need Conservapedia. It’s not at all an ugly version of Wikipedia that finally proclaims the conservative truth, oh no. According to the editors of Conservapedia, “A conservative approach to education is powerful and helpful in many ways. It equips students and adults to overcome inevitable obstacles, such as addiction and depression…” For all you dumb poors that can’t afford Promises Rehab like job creator Lindsay Lohan, Conservapedia can be your sponsor and doctor!

Let’s start with the gays. We’ll skip all of the Bible verses though because it’s mostly Leviticus, which sounds like something disgusting lesbians would do anyway and get to the facts: Lady Gaga is a dirty liar. All you LGBT people aren’t born that way. You choose to wear cutoff jean shorts and dance really well. Besides, there are tons of cultures where homosexuality never existed. Cynthia Nixon once said she was gay by choice, so clearly she speaks for every LGBT person ever because you all share one sinful hive mind. You can just be straight. Get on your knees. Close your eyes. Open your mouth. Then pray really hard. Boom! Straight. Thanks to Conservapedia, I also found out that gay couples are more likely than straight couples to suffer from domestic violence. Put your fists down, gay bashers! The gays can beat themselves.

Let’s turn our attention to the dirty hippies. Climate change is a giant liberal hoax. Unlike homosexuality, Climate change is 100 percent natural. It also totally happened on other planets too. And just look at how many planets we’ve found that support life! If I may quote Conservapedia for a moment, “As if warmer nights and winters would make human life more difficult.” We’ve seen Game of Thrones. Winter is not fucking fun for those pagans.

It’s time we address the male-hating feminists who want free birth control or to breastfeed in public or whatever. Feminism is not about equality. It’s about superiority. Feminazis want to take over traditionally masculine roles, like banging chicks. Obviously abortion is super bad. Carry that baby, girl, ’cause it has more of a right to life than you do. God help you though if you have a gayby. And don’t expect any help after you have the little bastard, welfare queens.

Women in combat is also a farce. According to Conservapedia, female soldiers will get pregnant on purpose to get out of doing physically demanding exercise. Enjoy that nice 9-month vacation and that child you’re going to have to take care of forever, ladies. Also, stop being gross and getting UTIs all the time. It’s really ruining your fighting capabilities.

Thanks to the brave reporting by Conservapedia, we’re all enlightened. We now know homosexuality can be cured. We can be sure that homosexuality is inherently bad for people and that being persecuted has nothing to do with it. I can finally sleep at night not worrying about our warming planet because Conservapedia revealed climate change to be an Al Gore-sized hoax. Feminism has finally proven to be the force that keeps vulnerable straight men down. And we can all agree female soldiers, much like the Amazons, should just be a thing of fiction and teenage boy fantasies. At long last, thanks to Conservapedia, our culture war can end. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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