An Inner Monologue Of Watching The Winter Olympics

1. Holy crap.

2. He must be crazy good at sex.

3. When was the last time she ate a bag of Doritos by herself?

4. When was the last time I ate a bag of Doritos by my… oh. Tuesday.

5. These judges just keep throwing shade like they could win a medal for it.

6. What Olympic sport should I try?

7. I mean, if I started now, maybe I could stand a chance to compete.

8. Right?

9. Why didn’t my parents force me to do this when I was 6 months old?

10. Whatever, it’s not like this is the Elite Four or anything.

11. Wait. When did Shaun White cut his hair?

12. This is too stressful. I’m literally watching someone’s dreams either come true or fall apart.

13. If this were the Hunger Games, she would have won.

14. I can’t watch ice-skating while hung over. I’m gonna throw up.

15. Skiing and shooting things is a sport?

16. How would Nintendo’s Ice Climbers do in this?

17. Matt Lauer gets more handsome and more Crypt-Keeper like everyday.

18. They just described the half pipe as having a “wet, slushy bottom.” That’s my Grindr username.

19. Otto Rocket is so much better than these fools.

20. LET IT GOOOOO! God, Frozen was such a good movie.

21. This Olympian is 15? I was passive aggressively moving friends down my Top 8 when I was 15.

22. The summer Olympics are so much better.

23. I should probably go to the gym.