Do you always think you’re one grand gesture away from winning over someone that just wants to be friends with you? You’re not. Do you envision Us by Regina Spektor echoing through the canyons when you kiss your crush for the first time? The rest of the world hears silence. Are you a LOVER of LOVE? You shouldn’t be.
I’m a hopeless romantic. I’ve been dealing with this condition for as long as I can remember. When other people think practically about their potential romantic relationships, I think anything but logically. I mostly blame my addiction to rom coms, She Drives Me Crazy by Fine Young Cannibals (AKA the best song of all time) and the idealization (or lack thereof) that my dream girl exists and will live up to my absurd expectations. Many hopeless romantics like myself are perfectionists. We grew up believing that we can get whatever we want in life if we work hard enough for it. This belief is pure bullshit. And realizing that some things are out of our control is the hardest, jagged little pill to swallow. Isn’t it ironic, don’t you think?
I fell the hardest yet for a girl that I never had a romantic relationship with. We were best friends for about two years, but fuck did I want so much more. People like me overanalyze everything. When someone says “we’re kindred spirits” and “if someone held a gun to my head and said I had to marry one guy, it would be you because I know you’d make the best husband and the best dad,” we take that shit way too literally. While things said at any given time may be true, sometimes the truth changes. And we must learn to accept that. Enough pussy farting around. Let me give you the full story.
I moved to Los Angeles in 2012. While I absolutely loved West Coast life, shortly after moving, I fell very hard for a girl that was still attending my alma meter Ohio University. I guess what they say is true, Ohio really is for Lovers </3. I hung out with this girl a few times in college, but our relationship really began after I sent a clever tweet her way. Next thing you know, we were virtually inseparable – literally. Hour long phone calls (yeah not texts, phone calls. Ain’t that shit cray?), facetimes and skypes, care packages every now and then. I’m not a fan of long distance relationships. I can’t even imagine leaving my home in Silverlake to date a westside girl. But I had never connected with someone this well. We continued to peak each other’s interest for the better part of a year and a half.
She had always talked about moving to La La Land, as she was another entertainment business enthusiast. I always thought my life would finally be complete when she boarded that one-way flight. Little did I know, I couldn’t have been more wrong. Long story short, when she moved to LA, we had a bad falling out and she eventually ended up dating one of my former colleagues. There was nothing wrong with her; it was all me. She never could have lived up to what I wanted her to mean to me.
You see, sometimes hopeless romantics become delusional and think someone will give their life meaning. What we don’t realize is that we must live a meaningful life on our own before we can expect someone else to love us. I now know this. Going through this process was one of the greatest learning experiences of my life. If you spend too much time mapping out the future, you lose touch with the present. One of my favorite things is how unpredictable life is. I don’t speak to this girl at all anymore, but if I could, I would thank her. I would thank her for teaching me so much about love and for not giving me a chance, because I didn’t deserve one.