You were one of the nicest boys I’d ever met. Everyone was so happy because I’d finally found a good guy. Someone who wouldn’t take my heart and break it to pieces. How could you? Everyone around you spoke of your kindness.
I was so nervous to get involved. My last sort-of relationship had nearly destroyed me, so any hint of a romantic connection sent me running. I waited weeks because of my hesitancy and you stayed persistent until I told you I was ready to see what happened.
I couldn’t tell you that was lie because I hadn’t realized it yet. My head said to go, but my heart screamed just wait.
I’d never had someone so ecstatic to be with me. I spent years thinking I wasn’t enough, and the last experience had only reinforced it. You shattered all my expectations. I couldn’t get enough of your quiet acceptance and constant desire to spend time with me.
This is what I deserved, this is what I wanted, this is what I needed. After a couple of weeks, I needed to keep reminding myself.
You want this, you need this, you deserve this. Those words soon sounded hollow. Forced.
I wanted so badly to make it work, but I became so overwhelmed. The parts I found so charming in the beginning quickly began to suffocate me. I needed space to be me, and I needed to do that without you. You didn’t seem to understand what I wanted, and I couldn’t find the words to communicate.
I desperately needed you to hear me, but you didn’t understand why I wouldn’t want to spend all my time with you. I wanted you to see your own friends and let me have mine.
You began to move so fast and I was left gasping for air. My heart was screeching for me to stop, stop, stop. This was too much, I wasn’t ready, I was wrong.
I was drowning in the depth of your emotions and you didn’t know how to save me.
Finally, I ran. I couldn’t take anymore. I didn’t know what else to do, and I’m sorry.
I’m sorry I couldn’t explain. I’m sorry I didn’t own how I felt. I’m sorry I didn’t communicate. I’m sorry I broke your heart and left you with no explanation.
My heart had finally been put back together but the stitches were still in. I needed time to learn what it was like to be whole again.
Today, as I sit in anticipation of a new relationship, I keep thinking back to you. I wouldn’t have made it this place without you, and I’m sorry it came at your expense.