There are some weird things that go on in relationships — pet names being one of my least favorite — but truly nothing is weirder than the things you’ll discover together when you finally decide you’re going to move in together.
Whether you’re moving in with a best friend, random Craig’s List roomie or a cousin, there are always ground rules needed. But when it comes to finally making that commitment with your significant other — you don’t want little things like stubble debris or toilet paper rolls to be the demise of something great.
So what is appropriate and what’s not? When are the right and wrong times to leave the door open while shitting?
1. There will be dishes. Lots of ’em. And dirty as hell.
I do not care how long or how short of a time that you have been living by yourself. When it comes to food, we all eat. Clean that toast mess up! Leaving dirty dishes in the sink is just plain disgusting. Nobody is going to want to make love after seeing your food gunk caked onto stacked up smelly cereal bowls.
2. Farting will be constant. And should be.
Everyone passes gas and there is no sense in having a stomachache just to make the other person more comfortable. Actually, it is probably making them more uncomfortable. Just let that fart out. I am not talking about a cute little “tss” I am talking about the bomber. If you don’t do it while you’re awake, you risk doing that while in bed and just passing gas all over the person — which is not cool.
3. Your place is not your place anymore.
Whenever you moved into this new space with this person it was either their place or your place before — that or you found one together. Regardless, it is no longer “yours” it is “ours” everything is a “we” thing. Even if you just have roommates, it is an “our” house. Remember to communicate that, because if you don’t, your significant other could have you watching multiple seasons of The L Word whenever you just want to get some work done.
4. Poop happens.
The way I feel about farts, well the same thing goes for poop. You’ve got to accept that humans do these things. So, do you poop with the bathroom door open as a single person? Should this change when you move in together? Do you really want to be involved on this level with the other person’s bodily functions? These are things you should decide up front — before it’s too late.
5. Niceness sometimes goes by the wayside.
Remember this, the person you have moved in with has an opinion that you should value and respect. “No” always means no because questions that require answers should not go any further than that. If your partner doesn’t want to go out, watch a certain movie, or go to your parents house, don’t make a big deal, take it with a grain of salt and chill on the couch. Remember, your partner had the freedom to make decisions before you lived together. Just because you’re under the same roof doesn’t mean they’re pawns in your own personal chess game.
6. There will be tacky, cheap art.
Whenever you move in with someone you typically have your things, i.e. furniture, clothes and artwork. This does not mean that if you have a giant picture of you and Jesus together that the person you are moving in with will want it on any of the walls in the house. Compromise that shit.
7. Sometimes you’re going to bore each other to death.
After you have lived with somebody for a little while, you realize that little moments alone are precious. If you feel like you are tired with your special someone, take a break. Go for a walk. Go do something by yourself. Take responsibility for your own feelings and actions. That other person is not there to entertain you 24/7.
8. Throwing parties should no longer involve actual throw up.
Throwing parties is fun, but there is a difference between a cocktail party and a “rager” with 200 people that you invited via Facebook. Make sure you talk about it and know what you both want and what the hell is actually going on before a vase is broken, or there’s puke on the floor, and someone is p-i-s-s-e-d.
9. Pets are great but crap on the floor … not so great.
Animals are great, but whenever moving in with another person, make sure that if either of you has pets, the other person knows what they’re getting into. Pets take up time … and they can also cause a house to be 110x messier than it actually is supposed to be. Figure out expectations right up front: “Are you expecting me to walk this dog and clean up after it?” Make sure you’re both on the same page.
10. The talking. OMG the talking.
Unless you’re clairvoyant, you’re going to have to communicate much more than you did before you lived with your special someone. It’s work. It’s worth it — but still, be prepared. There’s effort involved. Sit down and talk about the issues that are bothering you, when they happen, so that they can be fixed — instead of letting your relationship fall apart.
If these 10 things seem daunting, maybe you’re not ready. Maybe it’s time to live alone on the Appalachian Trail in a tent with your pet hedgehog for a while instead. But, well, then there’s another list of 10 things I’ll have to tell you about.