I’m Not Sorry For My Depression

Depression can be expressed in many ways depending on a person’s experience. The way I like to describe my depression is the time where hell is on earth, beside you, following your footsteps like shadows at night, refusing to leave you.

Depression is like constantly hiding yourself in a dark room alone, often worn out, refusing to socialize or even just getting up to brush your teeth. For some reasons, it felt safer to be in the dark alone.

You let your mind to linger around with negativity and sometimes dreaming of happiness you want that doesn’t exist. In your mother’s eyes, it’s you being very unproductive like a fish lack of water, flapping around, just waiting to die.

Depression makes you very insecure and overthinks, losing faith and interest in everything. Insecurities could bring a halt in your relationship with the person you loved most. Even if he said he’ll always be there for you, he’ll not leave you, you always doubt. It creates a distance between both of you because you constantly doubting him and your relationship, when it doesn’t go the way you think it should be. You’ll end up losing a few friends and along the way, losing yourself.

You forget what your dreams were, what your life goals were. You lose track of the number of times you had the thought of ending your life at the same time asking yourself if it’s all worth it.

Even with all that, there will be days you feel like a winner yourself. Something as big as the time where you got selected to participate in a program you always dreamed of joining, to small little things like treating yourself to a nice home cooked meal. Days like these can be rare but see it as an appetizer to the main course of your 3-course meal at a 3 star Michelin restaurant, looking forward to what amazing thing will come next.

To everyone suffering from depression, anxiety and those who isn’t feeling like themselves today, thank yourself.

Thank yourself for pushing yourself out from bed and for staying alive. Remember to not be too harsh on yourself. I promise you (and those little devils inside your head) as I’m promising myself, that all these negativity will soon mean so little to you that it will eventually leave your head.

“Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.” —Charlie Chaplin