9:00 a.m. – 9:30 a.m.: Execute Facebook “friends.” Play Queen’s “Another One Bites the Dust” on loop while executing the people you can’t stand from your Facebook friend list — and show no mercy. Do you really need to keep up with the follies of Jasmine “TruthShallSetUFree” Greene or your former high school gym teacher who incessantly sends you Cafe World requests? Allocate ample time to stalking their timelines before pulling the plug.
9:30 a.m. – 10:00 a.m.: Inordinately long coffee/ bathroom break. Use of mobile phone and Netflix app encouraged.
10:00 a.m. – 11:00 a.m.: Relive your Gchat history. Comb through your Gchat archive, forwarding particularly cringeworthy/ revealing/ depressing/ hilarious/ monumental conversations to the other participant when warranted. Skip over any conversations you had with your ex — this is Monday Funday, not Monday JESUS CHRIST WILL THE LONELINESS EVER ENDday.
11:00 a.m. – 1:30 p.m.: Extended bathroom break to segue into extended lunch. After-meal dessert and espresso are advised. Use of the following excuses for the length of your lunch are encouraged: a missed bus, momentarily suspended metro service, passionate discussion on work-related matters (if with a coworker).
1:30 p.m. – 3:00 p.m.: Download Nintendo. Super Mario Bros. 3, Castlevania, Excitebike. All are available for your private procrastination consumption via emulators. For those less savvy, an emulator is a program you can install on your computer that emulates the environment of a favorite video game system you used to play. There are currently free emulators available for download for Nintendo, Super Nintendo, Sega, and probably Atari, and you can download almost any game you want. Emulator screens do not require full-screen view and thus can be minimized quickly when your boss rolls around.
3:00 p.m. – 4:30 p.m.: Write boss fan fiction. Nothing makes the morning go by faster than meticulously crafting boss fan fiction. Boss fan fiction is fiction in which your boss plays the main role. Some ideas for boss fan fiction: your boss in an opposite than his-or-her sexuality threesome, your boss as a five-year-old, your boss as an acne-ridden 17-year-old boy at prom with a girl four inches taller than him, your boss’ day in a cameo role in the set of 90s Baywatch, your boss’ unsuccessful gubernatorial run, your boss as a crazy cat lady, etc.
4:30 p.m.: Go home early. Research the official names of common medical issues and use them to fashion a sob story for your boss with the purpose of being sent home early. Particularly relevant to the workplace are Oppositional Defiant Disorder (in which you cannot refrain from being a disagreeable, stubborn prick to your coworkers) and Misophonia — a disorder that renders inoffensive sounds completely irritating (read: coughing, the clicking of a mouse, Creed). Unless your boss knows how to Google (most of them don’t, that’s what you’re there for!) you’ll be taking in reruns of House from the comfort of your futon in no time.