Recently I’ve found myself in a rocky situation as far as my love life was concerned. The love that I had put out wasn’t returned in the way that I wanted. As a result, things changed and I had to question a couple of things. Vague? I know. Love is always that way.
When I say that I don’t want to be loved, I’m not talking about the kind of love that friends and family provide. I mean, I’m not trying to let a motherfuck*r near my heart any time soon. The reasoning behind this decision is kind of complicated.
I want things in life. I’m 27 now and I want to be married. I want to have kids. I want these things by the time I’m 30. I’ve realized at this point that if I put it out into the universe that I want something, then I can attain it, but damn, I can’t marry myself, I’ve tried.
I don’t want to be loved for a while because I want to focus on myself. In relationships we become complacent and don’t keep pushing ourselves. I read one time that a celebrity couple both work out to stay in shape for one another because they feel obligated to always look the same. They want to stay great for one another, which is admirable.
I don’t want to be loved for a while because I want to be selfish. I try too hard at times to make other people comfortable and in the process, I tend to lose myself. I can’t keep losing myself in people. I’d rather lose myself in solo vacations and writing and success. I would rather lose myself in my own heart. I’d like to love myself so deeply that the next person to love me has to really know me in order to begin to love me.
Something that I’ve learned is that almost is the worst way to love someone. I don’t want to almost love someone. I don’t want to fluctuate in the state between being there and not being there. When I love, I want to love fully and deeply and truly. I want it to be a love to carry me through the years.
Mostly, I don’t want to be loved for a while because I don’t want to be put into the position of having to love someone else in return. It sounds strange, but I feel kind of bad for the people who love me. Its taken me years to reach this point, a point where I’m open enough to love that I’ll tell people about the hurt and pain I’ve experienced in life. I can’t really afford to keep giving people pieces of me. I won’t have anything left for me.