If Badger is your favorite Breaking Bad character, you’re likely a stoner who’s perpetually stuck in the high school mentality. You’re the type who thinks losing entire days to the idiocy of highness is an endearing and humorous thing to do with your time. You’re aimless; can’t see your life going anywhere positive in the near future. Negative qualities aside, you’re a warm individual with honest intentions and a good heart. Between absolutely sick bong rips, you support those closest to you, even if they’ve hurt you in the past (though, let’s be honest — you probably just don’t remember their indiscretions). Your biggest setback is that you still live with your mom, and because you can’t seem to hold down a steady job, she’s on your ass all the time about vacuuming and shit.
Hector “Tio” Salamanca
You can hold a grudge and a half. You appear feeble and sedentary to people who don’t know you very well, but you’re actually calculating and insane. You’re probably someone’s 5’3″ psycho ex-girlfriend. In fact, 89% of the people who have dated you refer to you as such. (Of course, no one believes them because d’aww, you’re so tiny and incapable!)
Walter White, Jr.
You’re a cynic who gets along better with animals than with humans. You’ve definitely attended your fair share of dog funerals. You might own a World Wildlife Fund sweatshirt. In your eyes, animals are pure and humans are driven solely by greed and self-interest. That’s why anyone who exhibits unquestionable earnestness, innocence and naivety is heralded by you. A person who acts free of self-serving motives melts your black, hardened heart — even if they’re motive-free because they honestly don’t know any better.
If your favorite Breaking Bad character is Hank, you’re a straight-shooting man’s man with clear values and a douchey demeanor. Are you a republican? You’re probably a republican. You know if you like or hate a person within the first minute of meeting them and you could care less what their assessment of you is. While your unconscious misogynistic tendencies do not go overlooked by most in your circle of friends, your sincere desire to do good by the standards you’ve consistently kept earn you brownie points. Aw, what am I saying? Come here, you big bear — give us a hug!
You’re Italian by association. You’re skilled at spending exuberant amounts of money on cheap-looking shit. Or just stealing cheap-looking shit, when the mood strikes. You had an extensive hoop earring collection in high school. You might be from Long Island.
Acquaintances often confide that you “looked like a total bitch the first time we met,” or that they “totally thought [you] hated [me], at first.” Even your warmest smile reads “I will murder your entire family.” You will give another lukewarm smile as your acquaintance goes on and on about how alienated they felt, how sure they were of your indifference toward them, all while you imagine what their body might look like circulating on a rotisserie rod.
You’re a complete blowhard who has to control everything and everyone around you. You kind of go ballistic when that’s taken away from you — which is often — but you never actually accept that the world doesn’t revolve around you. You become more of a ride-or-die bitch with age, but you definitely won’t ride without buckling your seatbelt first.
As soon as you moved out of your childhood home, your parents replaced your bedroom with a gym. When you visit them, they refrain from asking you if you’re seeing anyone, if you have a job, if you’re okay because they know the answer is probably terrifying and… well, ignorance is bliss. You have spent at least one hour at Off Track Betting. You might have untreated depression. Or Stockholm syndrome. Maybe both.
Los Primos de Tuco
You haven’t read a book since third grade, and you don’t see anything wrong with that.
Gretchen and Elliot Schwartz
You’re wildly successful but still make time every five years to check in on your old friends, who are poor and thus more exciting than you could ever hope to be. God love ‘em.
You lecture strangers on the internet about heteronormativity. You always auditioned for the school play but were never cast in a leading role. Both you and your therapist believe this rejection set the stage for your inferiority and intimacy issues. You are in the 3% of humans who enjoy both Breaking Bad and Glee.
If your favorite character on Breaking Bad is Hank’s loyal partner, your significant other will never live up to the excellence that is your best friend. In high school you were the water boy and in college you were a male cheerleader. You aspire for a simple, uninspiring life with no surprises. You’re good at what you do but excel at nothing in particular. You may or may not be in the closet about your sexuality.
You never quite grew out of your gothic phase in high school. Despite the fact that you serve at Denny’s or TGIFridays or Friendlies, your parents still believe you’re a rising star who’ll get their life on track… someday. Before they die, maybe.
You have an affinity for used car salesmen and CSI: Miami. In your free time you read genre fiction and do crosswords. You’re bafflingly good at crosswords. You spend your weekends tricking people into thinking you suck at pool. Your wife doesn’t know about one of your credit cards.
You spend your weekends in bed watching episodes of The Wire because a) you’re obsessed with basically every character and b) you’re incredibly apathetic and tired of existence. Are there better ways to spend your weekends? Sure, but who the fuck cares. In your mind, the only thing better than fresh sheets and the opening credits of The Wire is setting up camp in an empty parking lot and eating Taco Bell at 3 a.m. on a weeknight.
You’re a maverick of sorts, and you’re constantly going rogue — so basically, you’re the humanization of the McCain/Palin 2008 campaign. You’re smart, which makes you overly confident and… wholly unlikeable. Seriously, the only reason anyone keeps you around is because you’ve manipulated them into needing you. When people actually do love you, it’s mostly an accident; an uncontrollable flaw on their behalf like unyielding loyalty or a medical disorder. It’s not your fault, though — you weren’t validated enough as a child. Your dad didn’t show up on Career Day. Your mom needs a forklift to help her leave the house, What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?-style. We get it — you have low self-esteem and you need credit for everything you accomplish because you ostensibly went unnoticed your entire life. Just… try not to be such a dick about it, okay?
You’re the friend no one wants to get high with. You’re too loud, you’re too aggro, you want shit you didn’t pay for, and sometimes you just decide to like… freaking kill people. No, you’re on some amateur-hour shit. You’re a bad trip waiting to happen. You’re the face people see in the mirror during an acid trip that makes them decide to off themselves. Just… go to rehab or something.
You mean well, but… I’m just gonna say it. White boy, you need some perspective. Quit chasing that vanilla dream and get on the unemployment line with the rest of us.