Cormac McCarthy Attempts To Write A Seinfeld Scene

SAN MARCOS, TX — Graduate students at Texas State University recently unearthed a set of texts in the Cormac McCarthy Papers which appear to be the author’s own take on popular television shows such as Seinfeld, Mad Men, Friends, and other network classics. The find came while the students were scouring the 98 boxes contained in the collection for an unrelated project. While this exciting archive has yet to be fully analyzed by literary experts, Thought Catalog managed to get an exclusive text in which McCarthy attempts to write a Seinfeld scene. Here it is in full.

Kramer staggered erect through the entrance and the man inside looked at him once or twice in familiar acknowledgment before returning to his pen and sheaf of papers, a cynical goblin emerged out of some alien trance of alchemist figures or comedic lines.

Hell-ooooo, Kramer said.

Seinfeld studied him.

Hell-ooooo, he said. A voice that went from room to room and back again.

A fearsomely bald squatter bespectacled and grinning from a blue upholstered sofa that had seen better days observed with something like amusement the avian newcomer, a gigantic egret no less a child of this city than the ragpicker begging for change, the bodega immigrant selling his wares. Hell-ooooo, Costanza said. His nosed twitched and he corrected his spectacles.

Kramer was looking at him crazily. He made his way in past Seinfeld and his jesternotes to the eastern facing window. Outside curried clumps of refuse set in motion by slow moving street sweepers and an ashen breeze. A family of trashpickers were packing flat cartons into a derelict shopping cart, the children scurrying among the rancid cans like rats and as graylooking. None spoke. A buzzing at the door.

Yeah, said Seinfeld.

It’s Elaine, the intercom spoke. An electric cackle from some distant bizarre land.

C’mon up, said Seinfeld.

Kramer had turned on an old radio and a tinny music emoted from its ancient speakerbox and he went to the couch next to Costanza and hooted at the tv, two raucous gibbons who knew of only one god. A stale brick tenement on West 72nd Street on Sunday afternoon, New York, New York. In the year nineteen ninety-six. Seinfeld with his notes at his table, the smell of his clothes priestlike, dry flesh within.

When Elaine entered in black and white business suit reminiscent of a Hasid she addressed the unlikely congregation with hellos and they responded each in his own turn, pious stares never wavering from their worship.

What do ye got playin, said Elaine.

Seinfeld looked at the woman and returned to his chickenscratch.

Said what do ye got playin, said Elaine. Reckon I’ll change it if it don’t bother nobody.

You go ahead, Seinfeld said.

After she had adjusted the dials on the radio and found a tune to her liking she began to jig like some insane enigma sent from hell to do Beelzebub’s bidding, a satanic minion eyerolling and jerking like his seed might erupt from her loins directly.

Hellfire, said Seinfeld. Call the exorcist she got demons need exorcising.

From behind someone came in. At first glance a spitting image of Costanza. A wild doppleganger come from Long Island or across the Hudson to relay some message through his semblance to the man.

Hello Newman, Seinfeld said.

Hello Jerry, Newman said. He was clutching a peach. He bit into its soft flesh and made loud smacking sounds as he masticated, the sunkissed fruits liquid flowing freely noticed by all but the man chewing.

They in Kramer, said Newman.

Shit, said Kramer.

Waited all year for this, said Newman. Mackinaws make ye tastebuds come alive.

Giddyup, said Kramer. TC mark

More From Thought Catalog

  • http://velkepivoprosim.wordpress.com mrb

    This is almost as good as Cormac McCarthy’s Yelp reviews.

  • http://www.facebook.com/oliveramiller Oliver Miller

    I lo-oooathe Cormac McCarthy.

    • toobuzzy

      you’re a nitwit

  • http://twitter.com/danielhatesthis Daniel (@danielhatesthis)

    I think 99% of the stuff on TC is trash, but this is awesome. McCarthy’s style is obviously impossible to replicate, but you’ve captured a semblage of the crazy descriptions and polysyndetons. This probably appeals to a very small subset of people and I love you for writing it.

  • Charles

    Swell job, F. Scott Gorrell.

  • http://gravatar.com/allieconti Allie Conti

    this is the best thing

  • Christian

    Dear God, man. This is the most absurdly funny article I’ve ever read on TC. You’ve somehow found a way to meld my loves of literature and Seinfeld. I salute you.

  • http://mikemcmannes.com mcmannes

    Reblogged this on .

  • http://grubdaily.org/?p=6610 What We’re Doing When We Should Be Writing | grub street daily

    […] “It’s Elaine, the intercom spoke. An electric cackle from some distant bizarre land.” How Seinfeld might sound if it was written by Cormac McCarthy. […]

  • Winslow Simpson

    the idea is brilliant. the execution is strained and more purple than Cormac.

  • https://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/lowercase-is-cool/ lowercase is cool | Thought Catalog

    […] i can’t write dont, that just looks bad. i don’t get why cormac mccarthy writes spanish words all proper like mañana’s always got its enyay sombrero on lookin like a […]

  • http://www.itmakesmestronger.com/2012/09/lowercase-is-cool/ Only L<3Ve @ ItMakesMeStronger.com

    […] i can’t write dont, that just looks bad. i don’t get why cormac mccarthy writes spanish words all proper like mañana’s always got its enyay sombrero on lookin like a […]

  • https://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/i-am-way-too-picky/ I Am Way Too Picky | Thought Catalog

    […] and we continued our talk, but the comment stuck with me. At first I was a little insulted – I haven’t seen every episode of Seinfeld, but I’ve seen enough to know that Jerry and his pals were a little specific when it came to […]

  • http://www.itmakesmestronger.com/2012/09/i-am-way-too-picky-2/ Only L<3Ve @ ItMakesMeStronger.com

    […] and we continued our talk, but the comment stuck with me. At first I was a little insulted – I haven’t seen every episode of Seinfeld, but I’ve seen enough to know that Jerry and his pals were a little specific when it came to […]

  • http://weissman88.wordpress.com/2012/09/30/am-i-way-too-picky/ Am I way too picky??? « story of the survival of the fittest

    […] and we continued our talk, but the comment stuck with me. At first I was a little insulted – I haven’t seen every episode of Seinfeld, but I’ve seen enough to know that Jerry and his pals were a little specific when it came to […]

  • https://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/little-known-facts-about-seinfeld/ 22 Little-Known Facts About ‘Seinfeld’ | Thought Catalog

    […] Cormac McCarthy Attempts To Write A Seinfeld Scene […]

  • http://www.kuba-edv.de/wiki/doku.php?id=profile_veronich67 healthy weight loss pills

    healthy weight loss pills

    Cormac McCarthy Attempts To Write A Seinfeld Scene | Thought Catalog

blog comments powered by Disqus