1. The terrorist
An 11-year-old inside a 20-something’s body, the terrorist allows each of his or her juvenile, inappropriate feelings to take control at any given time, regardless of the situation and how realistic s/he’s being. What the terrorist typically fails to understand is that while working through basic emotions commonly associated with break-ups — such as jealousy, rage, indignation, depression, and loneliness — is good and necessary, doing so six months after the break-up by showing up drunk at a bar crying and accosting his or her ex for 45 minutes, pouring a beer on them, and finishing the night weeping in a gutter is not the right way to go about it. Basically, the terrorists throws fits at the most inopportune of times and really just needs to grow up and get over it already. Terrorists are perhaps the most technologically savvy of the different types of exes you will have in your 20s, employing the use of their cell phones to make repeated calls and texts to their exes between 12 and 4 a.m., causing disrupted sleep schedules and new mates to suspect that the ex is sleeping around, or something.
2. The one you’ll never get over
If your ex is the one you’ll never get over, you may unknowingly slide into the terrorist territory if you’re not careful with your behavior. The one you’ll never get over had everything right — the perfect body, the perfect mind. You’re convinced that the one you’ll never get over was perfect. You explain the break up with the one you’ll never get over in one of two ways: 1) You were the self-appointed inferior party in the relationship — “holding them back” or “not being able to handle them” — and justify the breakup with reasoning that you simply weren’t “good enough” for them; 2) you two were perfect together (untrue) and you can’t understand why the break-up happened. The universe conspired against you. The one you’ll never get over has likely moved on, and wishes you’d move on, too. The one you’ll never get over is always nice to you, but maybe in a sort of condescending way, which makes you kind of hate them, but love them anyway. If your ex is the one you’ll never get over, you’re in a bad position.
3. The one you need to stop having sex with
The one you need to stop having sex with is in one of two positions — in control or without any control at all. If the one you need to stop having sex with is in control, they broke up with you. They demanded freedom. They’re actively dating, and when they feel lonely, you’re there for them, wishing they’d just commit to you again, and knowing that you should stop enabling this behavior. You need to stop having sex with this person because it’s fucking up your life and is completely unsatisfying and not what you want and hurts you time and time again. If the one you need to stop having sex with is without any control at all, reverse the roles in the situation above. You need to stop having sex with this person because you need to learn willpower, how to be alone, and the responsibility you have not to hurt another person like that.
4. The game changer
The game changer is at the same time the most constructive and destructive person with whom you’ve ever had a relationship. You thought you knew yourself before you met the game changer. You thought you were a good person, that you’d eliminated your negative behavioral tendencies, and that you were all grown up and adult. But then you met the game changer, who turned out to be one of the smartest and most empathetic people you’ve ever met, and who saw right through all your bullshit and called you out for it. The game changer breaks your ego down and builds you back up again. But the thing is that they don’t even mean to do it. Being in their presence compels you to be a better person. The redeeming aspect of the game changer is that s/he’s a totally amazing person who you can’t hardly believe you’re good enough for. The problem with the game changer is that by assenting to a relationship with you, the bar is raided impossibly high for all your future mates. This is the primary characteristic of the game changer. Once you’ve been in a relationship with a game changer, your dating life will not be the same. You’re screwed, or you’re not. Time will tell.
5. The enemy
You broke up with the enemy because one or both of you did some really fucked up stuff. You cheated, you lied, you compulsively masturbated, you verbally abused, you ignored, you stayed out all night, you fought, you threw a chair at the wall. Post break-up, the enemy is avoided at all cost, because shit will go down if you two are in the same room together. Having an enemy for an ex is a toxic situation that can quickly get ugly if not handled with tact and care, and in my opinion is the worst type of ex you can have in your 20s.
6. The friend
The friend is the only ex you’ll have in your 20s who has the same amount of ‘power’ as you in the post break-up relationship. You broke up with the friend not because you didn’t love them, but because of mutual incompatibilities that were impossible to overcome. Basically, the friend is Elaine and you’re Jerry. The friend is fun to be around and can still access the feeling you both shared, and s/he understands you better than most people. The friend’s also likely to cause jealousy among new and potential mates. The friend is available for hook-ups on occasion, and these hook-ups are generally of the no-strings-attached nature. The friend is the best ex to have in your 20s.