8 Tips On How To Choose A Roommate, As Told By Someone Who Is Shouting At You

1. ON “LIVING WITH THE SAME SEX”

CHOOSE A ROOMMATE OF THE SAME SEX IF YOUR ANSWER IS “YES” TO AT LEAST 75% OF THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS.

ARE YOU MESSY? DO YOU LIKE TO WALK AROUND YOUR HOME NAKED? ARE YOU A HETEROSEXUAL PERSON
UNABLE TO KEEP RULES SUCH AS “DON’T SLEEP WITH ROOMMATE”? ARE YOU A HOMOSEXUAL PERSON WHO DESIRES CLOSE PROXIMITY FOR MORE EFFECTIVE STALKING OF PROSPECTIVE ROOMMATE? ARE YOU INTIMIDATED BY THE OPPOSITE SEX? ARE YOU AFFLICTED BY EXCESSIVE COUGH/ ABSURD-SOUNDING FLATULENCE? DO YOU HAVE POOR PERSONAL HYGIENE?

2. ON “LIVING WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX”

CHOOSE A ROOMMATE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IF YOUR ANSWER IS “YES” TO AT LEAST 75% OF THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS.

ARE YOU PREPARED TO HEAR YOUR HETEROSEXUAL ROOMMATE GETTING BANGED? ARE YOU PREPARED TO HEAR YOUR HETEROSEXUAL ROOMMATE’S SEX STORIES OVER BRUNCH? ARE YOU PREPARED FOR BATHROOM CONFLICT? ARE YOU A HOMOSEXUAL PERSON UNABLE TO KEEP RULES SUCH AS “DON’T SLEEP WITH ROOMMATE”? ARE YOU A HETEROSEXUAL PERSON WHO DESIRES CLOSE PROXIMITY FOR MORE EFFECTIVE STALKING OF PROSPECTIVE ROOMMATE?

3. ON “EMPLOYMENT”

CHOOSE A ROOMMATE WHO WORKS TWO FULL-TIME JOBS. THAT WAY YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR ROOMMATE. THIS IS ESPECIALLY NECESSARY IF YOU “WORK FROM HOME” OR ARE CURRENTLY SEEKING EMPLOYMENT.

4. ON “SIGNIFICANT OTHERS”

CHOOSE A ROOMMATE WHO HAS A SIGNIFICANT OTHER WITH A MUCH NICER APARTMENT THAN YOURS. THAT WAY YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR ROOMMATE. DO NOT CHOOSE A ROOMMATE WHOSE SIGNIFICANT OTHER WILL STAY OVER ALL THE TIME. DO NOT CHOOSE A SINGLE, ATTRACTIVE ROOMMATE AS YOU ARE LIKELY TO BE WOKEN UP BY THE SOUND OF HIS SEX WITH PEOPLE. ONLY CHOOSE A ROOMMATE WITH A SIGNIFICANT OTHER WHO HAS A MUCH NICER APARTMENT THAN YOURS.

5. ON “PROFESSIONALS”

CHOOSE A PERSON WHO SAYS THEY ARE A “PROFESSIONAL,” THEY WILL BE CLEAN AND MOST LIKELY NEVER WANT TO TALK TO YOU. THEY WILL PAY THEIR BILLS ON TIME.

6. ON “HAVING A CAR”

CHOOSE A ROOMMATE WITH A CAR SO SHE CAN HELP YOU MOVE FURNITURE, GROCERIES, CONTRABAND.

7. ON “PARTY GIRLS”

DO NOT CHOOSE A PARTY GIRL FOR YOUR ROOMMATE, THEY WILL MOST LIKELY BE INCONSIDERATE, LOUD, AND MESSY. “PARTY GIRLS” CAN BE MALE OR FEMALE. YOU CAN DISCERN IF YOUR POTENTIAL ROOMMATE IS A PARTY GIRL IF THEY MEET 75% OF THE FOLLOWING CRITERIA:

  • THEY MENTION BEER PONG AT YOUR ROOMMATE INTERVIEW
  • THEY EARNESTLY SAY “BRO”
  • THEY HAVE VERY LONG PAINTED NAILS
  • THEY MENTION A KEG STAND AT YOUR ROOMMATE INTERVIEW
  • THEY SAY THINGS LIKE “I FEEL LIKE I HAVE BUGS CRAWLING ALL OVER MY SKIN” AND “I’M OFF ADDERALL FOR GOOD NOW”
  • THEY GET A PHONE CALL AND SAY ON THE PHONE, “BUT YOU F-CKED HER THOUGH, RIGHT?”

8. ON “AGREEING TO SHARE FOOD”

DO NOT AGREE TO SHARE FOOD WITH YOUR POTENTIAL ROOMMATE, HE WILL JUST STEAL ALL YOUR FOOD AND NOT REPLACE IT. AN OFFER TO SHARE FOOD WITH YOU IS MERELY A THINLY VEILED ATTEMPT TO ASK FOR PERMISSION TO TAKE SOMETHING OF YOURS. IF YOU AGREE TO SHARE FOOD WITH YOUR POTENTIAL ROOMMATE YOU’LL COME HOME AFTER WORK ONE DAY AND FIND THE BROWN RICE THAT YOU WERE PLANNING ON EATING HAS BEEN EATEN. DO NOT CHOOSE A PERSON WHO OFFERS TO SHARE FOOD WITH YOU. TC mark

image – Georgio

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  • Sophia

    I don’t really understand the point of the all-caps, but that aside, this was a decent article.

    • Daily TC Reader

      I don’t know if it’s true, but I analyzed the all caps as saying THESE ARE ALL THINGS I HAVE LEARNED PLEASE LISTEN TO THEM OR YOU WILL SUFFER. And since these are things I learned in real life, I laughed at this article. 

  • Guest

    WOW THAT WAS REALLY HELPFUL THANKS

  • t rex

    You mean “…As told by a black person”

    • Guestropod

      what

      • IHATEALLMYROOMMATES.

        he’s trying to be funny by implying that black people write in all caps.

      • IHATEALLMYROOMMATES.

        key word: trying

      • Guestropod

        I see…

    • http://twitter.com/shallowechos TRES

      So all black people shout? All black persons do that? Wow, I wonder how I’ve been able to whipser all my life?! THIS IS CRAZY DUDE!

    • Sara

      lol you tried it

    • http://twitter.com/conformistdiary Haywood Jah

      idiot.

  • Rishtopher

    But why did you have to shout?

  • http://twitter.com/iamthe0nly Jordana Bevan

    HEY NEXT TIME WRITE THIS DURING PRIME ROOMMATE-CHOOSING SEASON BECAUSE I DID EVERYTHING HERE WRONG GOD DAMN

  • http://raymondthimmes.com/ Raymond Thimmes

    haha! This is beyond accurate. Especially the parts concerning sex and the amount that a single, attractive roommate will have… at all times of the day or night.

    Also, and if at all possible, just bundle half the utilities into the overall rent and don’t share month to month estimates of a split in utility cost. This will keep them from fucking you on a $200 gas bill.

  • IHATEALLMYROOMMATES.

    3, 4, 5, &8. YOU LIVE AND YOU LEARN RIGHT?

  • Anonymous

    note: this only works if you’re a dude

  • Domino

    THIS GOT ME TOTALLY AMPED

  • ANON

    In my head you shouted everything, so now its all law and MUST BE FOLLOWED

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1552230509 Blake Austin

    I think you forgot number 9: “ON LIVING WITH YOUR EX

    “DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES LIVE WITH YOUR EX OR YOU WILL REGRET EVERYTHING IN YOUR LIFE THAT LED YOU TO THAT LED YOU TO DO SO.”

  • Anonymous

    “Party girls can be male or female.” Little known fact but VERY true.

  • Anonymous

    I like that this was told in all caps. Reminds me of my grandmother ‘s lack of hearing and her  incessant need to yell everything. 

  • http://twitter.com/tannnyaya Tanya Salyers

    THE CAPS MADE MY EYES HURT.

  • LP

    EVERYONE STOP YELLING I’M GETTING A HEADACHE

  • https://mediafluency.journalism.wisc.edu/blog/2016/07/18/roommate-or-roomhate-you-choose/ Roommate or RoomHate, you choose.

    […] 8 Tips On How To Choose A Roommate, As Told By Someone Who Is Shouting At You […]

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