10 Things You Do When You Just Don't Want To Deal With People

Not today.

1. Start crossing the street to the side of the road you’re walking parallel to, see a group of people laughing gregariously on that side of the road, quietly return to the side from which you came and wait to cross the street until you’ve walked well out of sight of the loud, gesticulating, scary people.

2. Accidentally fail to make eye contact with your roommates and uncontrollably mumble one-word answers as they attempt conversations with positive facial expressions and enthusiastic vocal meters. Laugh nervously and fail miserably at puns and witticisms, responding with barely audible, misunderstood, semantically inaccurate colloquialisms.

3. Stay in bed until noon or 1 p.m. watching Netflix Instant under the pretext that you’re bored and that there’s nothing to do while aware that this behavior is actually a self-perpetuating loop in which continually and passively affirming that you’re bored and that there’s nothing to do by not doing anything at all reinforces the boring concrete reality that nothing is happening (and that it’d likely to cease if you got out of bed and did things).

4. Wear headphones in public. Order your bagel and coffee with them in and just nod to whatever the cashier asks you, trusting you won’t somehow get a lox and cream cheese, because that sh-t is disgusting. Keep your headphones on at the post office, at the bank, at the ATM, at the coffee shop. Etc.

5. Hear someone coming up the stairs toward your room and freeze when they knock on your door, attempting to remain motionless and silent. Once the person leaves, walk as quietly to the door as possible and lock it.

6. Go invisible on all your chatting accounts, despite the fact that there’s some indecision there — your ex or your crush or the one friend who you’re insecure you like more than s/he likes you/ are maybe over-dependent on for social opportunities won’t know you’re online and thus won’t know to message you a validating, warm, comfortable sentiment.

7. Say “yes” to plans for drinks at 9 with your friend; at 8 text your friend to cancel. Buy a bottle of red wine and retreat to the warm glow of your computer screen.

8. Field a few emails and texts that aren’t ‘good enough,’ as if any text or email could be ‘good enough’ in the state you’re in. The only text/ email you could receive that could possibly be good enough is one from the ex you’re still kind of in love with saying that she’s hopeless without you and that she needs you to continue living, or one from someone offering a huge contract that will double your income for the next six months, etc.

9. Think about your peers and about your job and their jobs and their talent and your talent. This leads quickly to a toxic spiral of self-loathing in which you become so convinced that you’ve only managed to get your job via a very fortunate series of coincidences and instances when you successfully fooled others into believing you’re a worthwhile human being that you can actually begin to feel your heart beating harder, faster.

10. On the sidewalk, look down when you’re walking. Avoid eye contact with everyone. If someone stops you and asks for directions, flinch and look shocked, act flustered and mumble that you aren’t sure what s/he’s talking about while briskly fleeing the scene. TC mark

image – Andréia Bohner

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  • Guest

    HEY! lox and cream cheese is deLICIOUS. as was this article…loved it

  • http://nonegenuine.blogspot.com/ Scott

    It is 1:45PM in Chicago, and I am in bed debating whether to start watching shit on Netflix. 

  • http://twitter.com/jemmehlee Jamie ❤ 。◕

    i do this all the time

  • guestiebestie

    that’s all so true. great article, fun to read

  • http://dirtyyoungmen.wordpress.com/ Maxwell Chance

    Whoa #4. Way to be antisemitic. Attitudes like that lead to the holocaust. Never forget.

    • Mkomar200

      oh for the love of God

      • Guest

        you much be missing your sarcasm detector

      • Guest

        much be

      • Anonymous

        the inscrutability of internet sarcasm

    • Carriem84

      Seriously!?! Obviously this article apply to some more than others, but you can’t truly believe that being a bit antisocial is going to lead to the next holocaust. Also, can you honestly say you have never had a moment were you just wanted to tune out the world but still be able to go about your life? I think in order for you to prevent the next reign of “Hitler” you should pull the headphones out of strangers ears and sing “Jesus loves the little children, all the children of the world…”

  • http://twitter.com/kaimcn Kai

    I was disappointed to agree with all of these, but I applaud your ability to get them all down!

    Kudos.

  • Anti-Social

    rumbled…

  • http://twitter.com/CestCharlene Charlene

    I was expecting a reference to the Jenna Marbles face. Alas…

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_VYDVROKY4PUBOKUHB3QF42FH2Y Paul S

    The only people I don’t ever want to deal with are those childish enough to participate in the shenanigans detailed in this article.  So basically, they avoid me, I avoid them; it all works out!

    • Roy

      oh. my. god. you’re SUCH a people person… I bet if they hand out medals, you’d get one! Also, does the sun shine brighter for you? Are your hangovers full of melody? Does your poop smell of roses?

      Or do you just sit at the corner table of popular bars congratulating yourself on what a wonderfully non-childish social person you are and assume that the only reason you’re sitting alone is because everyone else is childish thing and not because you’re you?

  • MP9090909

    Um, lox and cream cheese is the only way to eat a bagel. You must be one of those, untoasted, plain, buttered bagel types. #NotJewish

    • Ugh

      you must be one of those stank-breath people eating that ish on the train like it’s ok

  • Oni Ishtar

    you forgot to add ‘sunglasses’ to the headphones V.V

  • http://www.facebook.com/black.moon.ghost.girl Moon Temple

    w t f is lox and cream cheese…. . . . .
    (felt 2 much for this article, it’s 3:16 pm on a thursday and the only reason i’ve gotten out of bed is to make a cup of coffee.)

    • http://www.facebook.com/black.moon.ghost.girl Moon Temple

      just googled lox. ew. my ex boyfriend made that for me once and i almost puked

  • Tim T

    i sense a subtle but not so subtle netflix sellout here…

  • http://heheheheheheheeheheheehehe.com/ tao lin

    ‘5. Hear someone coming up the stairs toward your room and freeze when they knock on your door, attempting to remain motionless and silent. Once the person leaves, walk as quietly to the door as possible and lock it.’

    sweet

    ‘7. Say “yes” to plans for drinks at 9 with your friend; at 8 text your friend to cancel. Buy a bottle of red wine and retreat to the warm glow of your computer screen’

    sweet

  • Sarah

    #3 described my friday and saturday nights… until i had to choose between eating three times a day and paying for netflix.

  • blair dowis

    wow… i thought i was the only one. thank god im just like everyone else! i feel better now

  • http://www.twitter.com/mexifrida Frida

    i just don’t reply to people. or a give one word answer.
    surprisingly, this really pisses them off.

  • http://cutoutthestars.blogspot.com/ Larissa

    Wait until housemates are in the shower before getting out of bed, doing what needs to be done, and leaving. Hope that this is their hair-washing shower so you have time to eat breakfast.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Carlos-Ortiz/1279921705 Carlos Ortiz

    nice.
    if you have a car you can also leave from wherever there are people you don’t want to deal with and drive aimlessly.

  • Jaimeawright

    6. Go invisible on all your chatting accounts, despite the fact that
    there’s some indecision there — your ex or your crush or the one friend
    who you’re insecure you like more than s/he likes you/ are maybe
    over-dependent on for social opportunities won’t know you’re online and
    thus won’t know to message you a validating, warm, comfortable
    sentiment.

    A more blatant truth has never been more aptly pointed out.

  • http://twitter.com/courtleee courtleee

    oh this article is my life

  • Rishtopher

     1, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 9, 10. My life, every day.

  • Sea

    If I’m having one of those fuck everyone days, I just pretend I’m a slightly more well-adjusted version of Lisbeth Salander and radiate brain waves of anger towards everyone, and get that nice dead-fish, “why-are-you-talking-to-me-much-less-glancing-in-my-general-direction-fuck-you-fuck-everyone” expression on. Seems to work pretty well.

  • Anonymous

    Re: #3. 1 p.m.? Child’s play, son.

    Good stuff.

  • jem

    I feel much less insecure. THANK YOU GOOD SIR. :) 

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