Speculations About Celebrities I Only Know About Via Cultural Osmosis

Ke$ha: African-American pop singer with typical pop sound whose hair is pink and shaved in some places. Wears lots of spandex or tight-fitting leather clothing. Either raps or sings R&B style; rides a motorcycle or uses a motorcycle as part of her gimmick.

Michael Fassbender: Shows his penis in Shame, has something to do with an X-Men that was recently released. Maybe rode a motorcycle in the X-Men thing.

Kat Dennings: Have images of this person wearing a waitress uniform similar to those featured in Roseanne on the set of Two Broke Girls; strong suspicions that the character she plays in Two Broke Girls is insufferable, poorly written, lowest common denominator.

Rihanna: Distinguishable in my mind from Ke$ha because of domestic abuse scandal with Chris Brown; rides a motorcycle or uses motorcycles as a gimmick, somehow. Career based mostly on singing or rapping in club anthems; maybe associated with DMX.

Chris Brown: Beat Rihanna yet somehow continues to be revered; also rides a motorcycle or uses a motorcycle as a gimmick. Maybe has had something to do with dog fights. Maybe associated with DMX.

Michael Vick: Organized dog fights, plays basketball or football; probably rides a motorcycle.

The Kardashians: Women who are for no discernible reason famous; envision their television show is just them eating dinner and yelling at each other. Television show features occasional ‘melt downs.’ Kim Kardashian, the most famous of the Kardashians, looks either better or worse with her make-up off; she once made a disappointing sex tape with a professional athlete. One of the Kardashians is married to a former professional figure skater, or runner, or something, whose name might be Bruce Jenner.

Ann Coulter: Wrote a book about vampires and/ or is a very controversial, neoconservative writer who has her work placed in unknown venues that everyone but me seems to be aware of. Gawker hates her. Maybe wrote love stories, but definitely writes heinous stuff about, maybe, abortion and gay rights. Motorcycle use is quite possible although I’m unsure if that’s a publicized fact or not.

Bradley Cooper: Acted in The Hangover, seems douchey. Spoke French on television once.

True Blood/ Twilight/ Vampire Diaries/ (???): All about vampires, directed toward teens. All based off the same book, or something. All TV shows.

Tim Tebow: Tight end or quarterback for a NFL team that performs a lame or ‘move’ at seemingly random times during football games (in one of the only clips I’ve seen of him he’s doing it on the sidelines). Unable to discern why people care about his ‘move’ at all. Is Christian.

Nicki Minaj: Seems like she is Ke$ha. Definitely associates with motorcycles, maybe with DMX.

Tila Tequila: Seems like she is Ke$ha + Lil’ Kim, associates with Insane Clown Posse somehow, maybe associates with motorcycles. Possibly Mexican re: her name. Small in stature, raps or sings about sexually revealing topics.

Drake: A rapper who gets made fun of a lot. Maybe raps in club anthems.

Skrillex: Makes dubstep or dirty rap, maybe associates with Justin Beiber. No idea what race he is.

Deadmau5: An indie band similar to Arcade Fire and Modest Mouse. TC mark

image – Name Your Link

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  • Dan

    Don’t look these people up for real, you’ll only be disappointed.

    Except: Skrillex is actually a popular brand of oven cleaner, so you were way off there.

  • Anonymous

    This should have been titled “That Time My Dad/Uncle/OldWeirdCousin Tried To Write A Blog Post About Pop Culture” or, “Projections on Attempts at Inoffensive Dinner Topics This Christmas”

  • i know my electro...

    Considering I don’t care much for famous people, I’ll take your word on all these characterizations except deadmau5. He is not a band, but an amazing electro house dj and producer. Now I don’t know much about skrillex except this, somehow this man was able to capitalize on the rising popularity of dubstep, an electronic music genre that has been around since 2005 and most electro junkies would agree is far less interesting or awesome that drum n bass…

    • Kaitlynclement

      i would never go so far to say deadmau5 is an amazing electro house dj, ever

  • Guest

    “I Know My Electro” and “Dan” are both missing the point entirely here…attempting to correct the author on any of these speculations defeats the purpose of the article altogether.

  • http://mrianmbelcurry.tumblr.com/ Mr. Ian M. Belcurry

    rides a motorcycle. Kesha is white. she rides a scooter. associated with DMX. this is funny. read it on a motorcyle.

  • Niko

    The power of google…

  • http://theopenend.com/ herocious

    i steal thunder

  • http://hotfemmeinthecity.wordpress.com/ natasia

    Dude…how is Tila Tequila even on this list? 

  • Guest

    Not completely wrong on anything or accurate either, good job. 

  • alice

    BSG, your grasp on race makes me uncomfortable sometimes.

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/EOO57X2JF4JMB4HIJ7JVBIQCYQ Beanzie

    It freaks me out that you already know who I am.  What site am I on and how the hell do you know my screen name?

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