Thought Catalog

Now Hiring Crushes: The Internet Crush

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A Thought Catalog series.

Job Description: We are looking for an Internet Crush of our preferred sex with an established, regularly-updated social networking presence for whom we will develop an illogical, impossible-to-act-upon crush, which will ultimately make us — the company — feel simultaneously more hopeful and more alone at night, solitary in our rooms, bathed in the soft glow of our computer screen. As the result of the innate human tendency to fill in the gaps of personality- and behavior-related information that online personas by their nature cannot deliver, our own capacity for self-delusion, and the judgment-free comfort, ease and security of flirting online compared to, like, going to a bar and meeting someone, our Internet Crush will be the subject of innuendo-laced Gmail chats and much silent stalking (sorry :/). We might not even get up the nerve to contact our Internet Crush at all; only feel envy toward those who freely retweet and @mention with him or her.

The thing about our future Internet Crush will be that despite the fact that we’ll never really know them, we’ll assume they ‘get’ us and that they are beautiful and sexy and attractive and special. All despite the cold fact that what this person really is is a collection of pictures and text — a storyboard, a picture-book narrative, a hologram, a fantasy. In the rare case that we do end up making contact, or in the rare case that we actually form an online friendship with our Internet Crush, the candidate need not worry — in the deepest recesses of our hearts we are indeed aware that nothing will ever happen; so much expectation and drumming up will scare us away from pursuing any kind of IRL romantic venture. Seems bleak.

Skills: The ideal candidate will have a proven track record of maintaining a stylized and relatable internet social profile that spans from Tumblr to Facebook, and preferably, everything in between. He or she will likewise be fully familiar with internet jargon and appropriate emoticon usage, as well as well-versed in stylized chat methods i.e. lowercase/ uppercase use, effective employment of ellipses, and internet-laugh expertise. The Internet Crush should be able to develop a portfolio of perfectly executed photos of themselves that intuitively matches their status update, Tumblr, Twitter, and blogging styles and, as a portrait, creates a persona worthy of our crush.

Core responsibilities: Daily maintenance of social networking portfolio, appearance in our Gmail chat list.

Requirements:

  • Attractive personality/ physical features
  • Three-month to year-long commitment
  • Practically unreachable unless via flight or medium-length road trip
  • Previous experience is preferred
  • Maintenance of at least three social networking accounts. Preferred: Tumblr, Twitter, and Facebook

Compensation: Hits, a Twitter follow, a Tumblr follow, a Facebook friend request, Facebook status update ‘Likes,’ retweets, @mentions, Tumblr reblogs, Tumblr ‘Likes.’

For consideration, respond to this posting with your resume and cover letter. Calls and drop-ins are not accepted. We are a dog and cat-friendly employer. TC mark

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    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=227700865 Sheela Cheong

      just 1 2 b gotten

    • Alina

      You’re my internet crush.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

      damn

    • http://twitter.com/palespectre flipside of a memory

      Well you just described a normal crush to me.  (except my internet crush is not on many social networking sites)

      “Practically unreachable unless via flight or medium-length road trip”

      – that one seems to be my number 1 requirement these days.  How sad is that. *sob*
      This reminds me… I must wander off to a new internet crush anyway…

    • Ashleyecrandall

      Hi. I’d like to apply for gig. I live in LA in an undisclosed location where I am on speaking terms with the three homeless people that kick it there. I talk to other people too tho.
      FB: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=502724721
      Tumblr: http://fuckyouihopeyoudie.tumblr.com/ 
      Tumblr 2: http://lovefromourloinsontotheinterweb.tumblr.com/
      Twitter: http://twitter.com/fakeassfacts
      More shit: http://www.krop.com/ashleyecrandall
      My experience includes but is not limited to the fact that my junior/senior year high school math tutor (a woman I saw only the nights before exams and have not see in about 8 years) loves all up on my FB posts all the time.
      Thank you for your consideration and I hope to hear from you soon.
      Sincerely,
      Ashley

      • ??

        wait, what?

        • Ashleyecrandall

          haha, am I the only one applying? 

      • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

        I’ve reviewed the documentation that you supplied.  Okay, I just reviewed the Facebook photos.    All I can say is “Very nice.”  You’re hired or whatever. 

        • Ashleyecrandall

          hahahaha

    • http://www.nicholeexplainsitall.com EarthToNichole

      Never, under any circumstance, should you meet your internet crush in person. It is 100 % guaranteed to end in soul crushing despair/regret. I speak from experience.

      • Ummmm

        Shit, do tell. I am thinking of doing this, do you think it will end as badly if I just want to bone?

        • http://www.nicholeexplainsitall.com EarthToNichole

          In the interest of not being a total asshole I will refrain from giving the full details as mine was someone I met on this website (gasp). If you’re just looking for someone to do sex with, go for it! But if you expect to have anything in common with the person, or anything beyond sex, uh…proceed with caution?

        • Oliver Miller

          Christ.

        • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

          “If I just want to bone”–well, not for you it won’t.

          But that’s not an internet crush. That’s some person off the internet you just want to hook up with, which is a horse of a different color.

        • http://www.nicholeexplainsitall.com EarthToNichole

          In my case, it was a full on internet crush, but I think HE just wanted to bone. So we, uh, boned, and I realized I no longer had a crush, but DID still want to bone, but then HE had a crush….and then we both ended up hating each other for awhile.

        • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

          So you thought you had a crush, but didn’t. Next!

        • http://www.nicholeexplainsitall.com EarthToNichole

          No…read it again. You’ll get it, eventually. Maybe.

        • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

          My reading comprehension wasn’t the issue, but thanks!

    • mookie

      karley sciortino 4 ever

    • Anonymous
    • Becca

      I guess I’m going to be the little sliver of hope in this comments section but sometimes internet crushes turn into real life crushes who turn into long-term girlfriends. 

      Anyone more than two hours away is a long shot though. Literally.

    • Anonymous
    • Alice

      I met my long-term boyfriend on the internet. He lives in Canada, and I live on the other side of the continent in the US. I’m moving in with him in a month. 

      So rather than being so pessimistic about these things, give them a chance, because it might actually work out! :)

      • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

        Your optimism about a LDLTR is both endearing and really, really sad.

    • Anonymous

      Hmm, well I have an internet crush but we’re sort of bestfriends and we only im and he doesnt do any social networking. In fact, he’s a sort of 4chan computer programming nerd.

      Oh wells. 

      Things get along well though but that’s cos we talk on an average of bout 6-8 hours a day (inclusive of skyping)

      • http://twitter.com/palespectre flipside of a memory

        my type of crush!

    • Charlie.

      So what is the best crush to have, real life crush, fictional crush or internet crush? They all won’t blossom into anything anyway.

      • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

        You sound like you need a cookie–a Zoloft-laced one, if possible.

    • http://www.facebook.com/black.moon.ghost.girl Moon Temple

      Ha, internet crushes……….

      • http://www.facebook.com/ehalliday2 Ed Halliday

        Ha, facebook wedding events…………

    • Anonymous
    • http://www.twitter.com/mexifrida Frida

      It’s funny when the author of the article fits the description.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_FLSPLSRCTUUW3APCW7X7ZASL2Q Becka Ray

      Okay…so my girlfriend met her first girlfriend on the internet and it was a long distance relationship…they skyped and stufff…they dated for 6 months…and then broke up. They are now really good friends and my girlfriend plans on going down to where this person lives and visiting her (with me in tow)….so internet crushes can have all sorts of positive endings.

    • http://secretrevolution.net/index.php?usr_login=CSOUO&btn_submit=Find&t=finduser secretrevolution.net

      secretrevolution.net

      Now Hiring Crushes: The Internet Crush | Thought Catalog

    • http://wiki.hikari-project.com/index.php/User:Vern3468dsou Wiki.hikari-project.com

      Wiki.hikari-project.com

      Now Hiring Crushes: The Internet Crush | Thought Catalog

    • http://breeklab.com/groups/online-retail-therapy-for-the-mom-along-with-the-woman-inside-you/ breeklab.com

      breeklab.com

      Now Hiring Crushes: The Internet Crush | Thought Catalog

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