Thought Catalog

Now Hiring Crushes: The Mixed Signals Crush

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A new series on Thought Catalog.

Job Description: We are looking for a Mixed Signals Crush of our preferred sex to hang out with at least once every two weeks — preferably on the weekends — with whom we kind of want to be romantically involved with, but we really can’t tell. Because of pervasive ambiguity, fear of rejection, fear of losing not just the possibility of romance — but of the entire friendship itself — and fear of causing drama between our established group of friends, we’ll be too afraid to breach the question of amorous union with you. You’ll keep giving us mixed signals, and really, we’re just supposed to be friends, anything other than that isn’t even an option… right? The ideal candidate will be enthusiastic about his or her job while (seemingly) not knowing anything about it. He or she need not worry about unwanted affection, as we will most likely never make a move — you should be too freaking vague and mysterious for us to ever get up the courage.

Skills: Our ideal Mixed Signals Crush will have the ability to cycle through a repertoire of ambiguous body language and inscrutable physical contact that may or may not mean he or she is ‘down.’ The Mixed Signals Crush must also be able walk the line between semantic jousting and sexual innuendo. Likewise, the Crush must be excellent at making eye contact we can’t figure out is friendly or meaningful, and be proficient in curating cheap wine we can go half in on. Candidate will be superb at navigating situations in which s/he suddenly finds him or herself the only one in the room besides us. Our ideal Mixed Signals Crush will also be open to giving us emotional advice or chronically oversharing with us — especially in times of mutual alcohol consumption — in such a manner that we’re always confused about whether we’re bonding in a friendly way or having an elaborate game of emotional foreplay.

Core responsibilities: The Mixed Signals Crush will be expected to attend bimonthly social functions, work late hours, consume alcohol on occasion, and facilitate open communication. Ideal candidate should be better friends with one of our auxiliary friends than s/he is with us.

Requirements:

  • Single
  • Attractive personality/ physical features
  • Three-month to year-long commitment
  • Live within two miles of our office
  • Previous experience is preferred

Compensation: Validation, occasional drunken leering (our pre-apologies), (hopefully no) awkward dialogue, infrequent free drinks, admiration and respect, and approval conditional on the quality of your interaction with us and our pre-existing circle of friends.

For consideration, respond to this posting with your resume and cover letter. Calls and drop-ins are not accepted. We are a dog and cat-friendly employer. TC mark

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    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=503568460 Carmella Kaya Osborne

      fricking love… best article for a while.

    • Anonymous

      I have one of these! You can have him if you want–it’s not fun,  just #melodramatic.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1690980049 Uchenna Anyiam

      The whole time I was reading this I found myself thinking about one of my friends in particular… Hm…

    • Mashka

      ugh. my life. 

    • Mashka

      try having a “mixed signal” crush that convinces you he has serious feelings for you, hooks up with you and then gets back with his girlfriend less than a week later. THANKS BUDDY

      • mysticlipstick

        ass.

      • Guest

        that’s not a mixed signal crush…that is a douchebag crush.

    • Cdsashley721

      this is seriously the best article… spot on!

    • Anonymous

      Emotional foreplay. You nailed it.

      • guest

        I LOVE emotional foreplay.

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

        so much foreplay, makes me ill

    • Julia

      STP WRITMG MT LIFE

    • Jill

      This is the current situation with my roommate – so complicated.

    • Elizabeth

      Would it be too obvious if I posted this article on his wall?

      • Mashka

         hahaha I had the exact thought myself

    • Lily

      Oh BSG, you’re so good at understanding neurotics.

    • guest

      HA story of my life right now

    • Guest

      ew.

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