Top 10 Mistakes People Make While Drunk On The Internet

Perhaps you’re online after a night out with friends, trying to ‘extend the party’ to the online realm, or maybe you’ve had one too many glasses of wine at dinner. Perhaps you simply have nothing better to do. For whatever reason, you may at one point in time find yourself drunk on the internet. Here are 10 mistakes to avoid while drunk surfing.

1. ‘Carpet Bombing.’ Drunk people surfing the world wide web are perhaps the most notorious when they’re drunkenly over-commenting on Twitter, peoples’ Facebook walls, and blog arguments they don’t actually give a shit about while sober. Examples of ‘carpet bombing’ include excessive commenting on a particular blog with extremely enthusiastic or negative comments on every article published in the past month on said blog, excessive Twitter replying to the extent that the majority of replies are directed at completely unknown entities i.e. celebrities and internet crushes, and excessive ‘intruding’ on Facebook wall conversations with asinine, meaningless comments such as “yeah omg lol,” “hahahahaha,” etc.

2. Announcing to the internet that you’re drunk lol. Nothing gives away the fact that one’s night’s going, uh, in a pretty lame direction more than announcing on Twitter that what you’re doing with your evening is drinking by yourself in a dark room lit only by the soft glow of your computer screen.

3. Oversharing. Examples: “been one year since he broke up with me and I still want him back…,” “this is my first drink in 6 months. guess I just fell off the wagon,” “she won’t even touch me in bed anymore and she expects me not to care???” You get the idea.

4. ‘Breaking the ice’ on Gchat when it wasn’t meant to be. There’s nothing more unpleasant than idly browsing the internet when a drunk Gmail chatter who you know only vaguely chats you and is obviously desirous of an intensely earnest conversation about altogether remedial subjects as elusive and boring as How One Is Doing and How One’s Life is going. The real-life correlate here might be befriending a friend’s friend with whom you’ve never spoken previously with such drunken enthusiasm that you practically demand their number and verbally commit both of you to having brunch every Sunday for an indeterminate amount of time in the future.

5. Stalking exes. Besides famine, disease, miserable suffering, etc., there are few things in life as depressing as a bottle of whiskey, a dark room, and your ex’s Facebook profile. Just stop.

6. Talking shit on exes publicly. Likely to follow a drunk stalking session, drunk Tweeting about how much of a bitch your ex-girlfriend doesn’t actually make your ex-girlfriend look like a bitch, as you probably hope it does. It just makes you look like a sad, lonely alcoholic. Entirely unbecoming, really.

7. Extremely emo status updates. Similar to talking shit on exes publicly, in that no one really wants to hear it. In this case, though, you’re not even trying to blame someone for your unhappiness – you’re wallowing in it. Cheer up, drunk emo kid. Or, at least, close the laptop and turn up The Cure.

8. Excessive typos. I’m no grammar nazi, but nothing says you’re miserably depressed more than sappy emails, Gchat conversations, tweets and status updates full of your drunken typos. Real life equivalent here is, obviously, slurring your words.

9. Demanding video chats. Drunkenly demanding loose acquaintances to have enthusiastic video chats with you is an altogether unwelcome experience for said acquaintance. Society isn’t all that comfortable with video chatting yet, and this is especially true when some drunk ass fool starts your chat by simply ‘calling’ you with the video feature in Gmail.

10. Revealing your crush to your crush. Believe me – let it happen soberly, in real life. You’ll thank me later. TC mark

image – Declan Jewell

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  • Lucky

    This seemed like advertising for Google+ but it was funny and, sadly, spot-on.

  • http://twitter.com/nanabuuui Anna B

    reminiscent of my newsfeed after a Thursday/Friday night out. COLLEGE <3 

  • Grant Sorenson

    Leaving anonymous mean messages to people on Tumblr or Formspring but forgetting to hit “anonymous.”

  • Josh

    This is the best thing ever, lmao. 

    • Anonymous

      sarcasm?

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

        lmao throws me off too

  • mjo

    how has “posting naked pictures” not made it to this list? does it just go without saying….lololol

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=707272007 Alex Thayer

    5 and 8 are my only downfalls, and i haven’t 5’d in a year and some change.

    i feel proud of myself.

  • HEEHEE

    omg this is me all over the place, except my drunk persona is a literally the world’s biggest hipster and does all these things but each with at least 3 different meta levels of irony. fuckkkk

    but spot on and great writing and i <3 u

    • Guest

      I doubt you are the world’s biggest hipster

  • Suckmydick

    only you think that everyone has gmail asshole

    • http://www.facebook.com/TomSmizzle Tom Smith

      That is a strangely specific thing to get angry about

      • indi

        hahahhahahaha that comment was the best part of all of this

    • A. C.

      Are you Mark Zuckerberg?

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

      GET WITH THE TIMESZ

  • V. Funny.

    you should do one of these for peaking on caffeine/other stimulants. :D:D:D

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