If My Cover Letter For A Job I’m Unqualified For Told The Truth

To whom it may concern:

As a person who’s worked in two offices and various bullshitty freelance ‘jobs’ – most of which were terribly underpaid but could have, admittedly, been done by anyone with an 8th grade reading level – I am probably not qualified for the position for which I’m applying, and I guarantee you there’s an applicant who’s way more legitimate than I am. I’m completely aware that applying for the position you’re offering is a total long shot, not only because of my lack of qualifications, but also because I don’t even want this position; not really. I’m basically desperate for anything, at this point, and have accepted the fact that if I get a job, it’s probably going to suck.

Capitalizing on the fact that I know how to use the Internet better than old people, I hope to find a position in your company that pays me way more money than I need, will allow me to mostly ‘fake work,’ will not require face-to-face interaction with any of the company’s employees, will send me to cool places like Tokyo and Munich, allows dubious use of the expense account, forgives hangover performance, and is, in general, incredibly easy. With this goal in mind, I have attached a resume detailing my qualifications.

Here are a few of my significant characteristics that I’m trying to pass off as relevant to this position:

• I’m terrible in offices. Perhaps the best way to sum up what it’d be like to work with me in your office on a daily basis is the following small anecdote: in my two, embarrassingly short office experiences, I was told both times that I needed to work on my “fake smile.”
• I’ve been fired before. For sucking. Like, I was hired as a writer and they fired me for sucking. Sure, they TOLD me that they were just moving forward and didn’t need a writer any more, but I know they fired me for sucking.
• I’m very bad at not getting embarrassingly drunk at company functions.
• I generally grow to resent most of my coworkers.
• I may seem to have good, exciting, new ideas at first. Rest assured, though – they’ll run out. My mediocrity always finds a way to shine through.
• I have, basically, no experience doing anything this position requires. I *think* I can pull it off, though. It’s a shot in the dark though.
• I have no idea what half of your job description on Craigslist even means. If you grant me an interview and have anything resembling a bullshit detector, it’ll start going off when I’m a couple blocks away.
• Please give me this job, I’m so tired of making less than $15,000 a year and being a “Junior [___].” Someone get me out of fucking entry level! I haven’t had health insurance for FIVE YEARS.
• I’m likely to take any salary you give me. The position I’m in basically dictates I have no leverage with respect to employment negotiation.

Given how desperate I am for a job doing anything other than degrading work I’m embarrassed to talk about, I feel like I would be a pretty dumb choice for this position. Truthfully, I’m actually just hoping to bullshit my way into it and get at least two paychecks before you guys figure out that I have no idea what I’m doing. That’ll be rent money for a few months, and for that it’d be totally worth it.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to meeting with you.

Warm regards,
Brandon Scott Gorrell

(Oh. And I forgot to mention, I already resent you for having to suck up to you. Sorry.)