Judging Female Sexual Attractiveness Based On The Clothes They Wear

You may be saying to yourself, “Clothes? Really?” Really. I can’t really explain it, but clothes are a totally important part of the whole sex appeal game we all play. Actually – I probably could explain it, but the nature of this article suggests that I don’t dedicate long-winded, complex arguments to sociocultural analysis.

Anyway, women, the following is a guide for whether I would sleep with you, based on your clothes. Men, although I cannot presume you share my taste in women, the red flag clothes should be universal.

 
No, I wouldn’t have sex with you. Or… I wouldn’t be inclined to at first, at least. If you weren’t wearing any clothes, well, the premise of this article breaks down and then it just becomes a matter of other factors which I don’t think I should describe here for want of not appearing creepier than I already probably do. Anyways, booty shorts and stilettos are completely not my thing. Not that you’d even be interested in me, because I’m fairly certain you would not. My advice is to go find yourself an overly macho gym enthusiast or a dude with a Mitsubishi Eclipse into street racing.

photo: Miles Gehm[/div:Credit]
 
Negative. We will not be having sex. You wouldn’t want to have sex with me anyways, so you’ll probably find that agreeable, and you’re probably already clopping away in your big ass black boots, using your ’00-era Razor to call up your steampunk or nu-goth bro who paints his nails and wears a choker collar. Good luck with that whole thing.

photo: D.C. Atty

 
No way dude. We don’t relate at all. You don’t even want to know me. I bet you are literally incapable of seeing me.

 
Woah. No. I don’t think so, at least. Can’t necessarily tell what you’re going for there but I’m going to assume you are unironically trying to dress like a “hippy,” in which case it would suit us both if you took you and your guitar to a party where they were drum circle and hookah friendly. If you’re ironically trying to dress like a “hippy,” no, still – go grab an 8-ball and find Dov Charney and pitch your outfit to him while he touches himself, because that seems appropriate for you.

 
No thanks. You all probably think I’m a scrawny little “funny person” who’s kind of weird. That’s okay, because I’ve probably judged you as strange humans to which I’m pretty sure I can’t relate and with whom I find sex totally undesirable. In other words, we both know it’s not going to happen. Go ahead and pick yourself out a frat dude from the bar over there.

Um, obviously, no. We will not ever be having sex.

 
No. Go talk to the first type of girl listed here.

 
No thanks. I think you belong with the skater brah with the oversized hoodie, flat-billed cap and baggy jeans smoking dank outside with his bros.

 
No. I mean. I don’t think so. I doubt we’d be inclined to chat each other up. I guess could see this happening if I was pretty drunk.

I don’t know. I wouldn’t write you off immediately.

_____

The difficulty of the premise of this article has not escaped me. I believe the ages-old maxim “Dudes will fuck anything” is at least 80% – if not 100% – true, and so many of these could probably use certain qualifiers. Take into account level of inebriation, loneliness, and desperation for the comforting touch of a human being and this article’s premise breaks down completely! However, since we’re only operating on theory here, please accept without question the notion I’m attempting to sell you, because it basically mimics the piece to which this responds – a piece about judging male attractiveness based on the shoes (which is impossible to do if we were to apply that premise to the opposite sex, hence – clothes). Also, please excuse any inherent creepiness here, I assure you that I find the line between “funny” and “creepy” – especially using fair use images of real people (which, due to copyright concerns, is our only real option) – a difficult albeit sanctimonious threshold, and if I’ve crossed it, it was totally unintentional. Please read on.

_____

 
Without getting to know you first, you have a better chance than any of the girls above but probably less of a chance than all the girls below. I know I wouldn’t write you off immediately or anything like that. So, yeah.

 
I would have sex with you.

 
Yes, if I had to base my decision off this outfit alone, I would like to have sex with you.

photo: shlala

 
I would have sex with you.

photo: Ed Yourdon

I would have sex with you.

 
Yes, I would have sex with you.

photo: malouette

I would have sex with you.

 
You get an immediate “yes” and prompt a somewhat existential worry within me that I won’t ever get to be with a person who dresses as nice as you. TC mark

More From Thought Catalog

  • http://somuchtocome.blogspot.com Aja

    Though I’m not a heterosexual male, I see where you’re going here.

  • http://twitter.com/ingenuegle Egle Makaraite

    There’s hope for me yet!

  • http://twitter.com/karlusss Karl McDonald

    I see that you want to have sex with hipsters, and not have sex with non-hipsters.

  • http://twitter.com/karlusss Karl McDonald

    I see that you want to have sex with hipsters, and not have sex with non-hipsters.

  • Loljame

    i like this

  • Loljame

    i like this

  • Anon

    Herm. So… heterosexual/bisexual men like dresses.

    • Marcus Halberstram

      Absolutely. In true male, binary thinking, a nice dress can take a zero and make her a one.

    • Marcus Halberstram

      Absolutely. In true male, binary thinking, a nice dress can take a zero and make her a one.

    • Marcus Halberstram

      Absolutely. In true male, binary thinking, a nice dress can take a zero and make her a one.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jonathon-Ferrari/100001319787228 Jonathon Ferrari

    This is all nonsense.  Stop pretending clothes matter, because they don’t.  It basically comes down Body Mass Index, Personality, and Facial structure.  The rest are details.

    • http://twitter.com/nuclearcabbage Nive

      Finally, Some Truth.

    • Guest

      bro, you need to read “american psycho”

  • MP

    We have the same taste in women.

  • es

    Really? The girl with the pink cardigan and the rose skirt?

    • http://twitter.com/karlusss Karl McDonald

      Oh dude definitely.

  • Anonymous

    Feel like this entire article should be:

    1. yes
    2. yes
    3. yes
    4. yes

    etc. etc.

    Is that just me? Can I get any back up here? Don’t leave me hanging…

  • Natalie

    So basically you just want to have sex with hipster chicks? Why didn’t you just say so??

  • Nate

    So each time a TC writer publishes a piece you deem unworthy of your high intellectual standard, you’re the guy who goes ahead and publishes a mildly funny, none too relevant response to said piece? Guess that’s not a bad look. 

    • Brandon

      uh, this response was not an attack or some type of negative judgment on the last post. i liked the shoes post.

  • http://www.facebook.com/phillipmichael Phillipe Felut

    reminded me of my girlfriend with the last few.god bless the well clad ladies

  • YES

    they’re not all hipsters. they’re just girls who seem to take clothing as a measure of taste. 

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jonathon-Ferrari/100001319787228 Jonathon Ferrari

      Agreed. Poor, trendy taste.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jonathon-Ferrari/100001319787228 Jonathon Ferrari

      Agreed. Poor, trendy taste.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jonathon-Ferrari/100001319787228 Jonathon Ferrari

      Agreed. Poor, trendy taste.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jonathon-Ferrari/100001319787228 Jonathon Ferrari

      Agreed. Poor, trendy taste.

  • Jordan

    The bar with the logs on the wall is The Lodge in Orlando!   I’ve spent many a night in there.  Confirmed my initial suspicions via deft Flicky and FB “research”

    We like a lot of the same ‘good girl’ looks.  I’d yes to a couple of those high-heeled raunchy girls though, but not that MIA-lookin’ girl.

  • Anonymous

    Stereotype, stereotype, and more stereotypes –also the implication that people dress the same all the time.

  • Thono Slowknow

    Well, most of the girls you don’t want to have sex with are all obviously hotter (if also skankier) than the assorted hipsters below. But I thought this was a question of sex, not musical taste and whatever passes for personality in these 20-something alt-grrrls, so I don’t understand your choices at all. I find very few of them palatable — these hipster chicks have always seemed almost asexual to me.

  • http://twitter.com/IleneTheAleph Ilene P.

    Seems like you’re assuming things about girls’ personalities/interests based on their clothing choices &, by the transitive property, their attractiveness – something we all do all the time, even in non-do-I-want-to-have-sex-with-you situations. Also, it seems unscientific to judge girls in their party clothes against a girl chilling around on her bike or one cutely jumping in front of a fence in a professionally done photo.

    • Anonymous

      He’s not comparing their clothing though; he’s using their clothing as a determinant of (subjective) fuckability. 

      • http://staugustinian.wordpress.com/ STaugustine

        See the Shoe Article

      • http://staugustinian.wordpress.com/ STaugustine

        See the Shoe Article

      • http://staugustinian.wordpress.com/ STaugustine

        See the Shoe Article

      • http://profiles.google.com/flesheatingsheep Caroline Knowles

        Judging someone’s footwear and posting full body shots of girls and making critical remarks about them as sexual objects is another.

      • http://staugustinian.wordpress.com/ STaugustine

        But you can see that the premise of article A was stupid and this is a response to that article, however well it was executed.

      • http://staugustinian.wordpress.com/ STaugustine

        Also slightly curious how you’d suggest that anyone can produce an article about judging womanly “attractiveness”, as based on what women wear… and illustrate the article *without* “full body shots”. Explain.

      • http://staugustinian.wordpress.com/ STaugustine

        Also slightly curious how you’d suggest that anyone can produce an article about judging womanly “attractiveness”, as based on what women wear… and illustrate the article *without* “full body shots”. Explain.

      • Anonymous

        Pictures of clothes. Same as the shoe article.

      • http://staugustinian.wordpress.com/ STaugustine

        So, you mean, he could judge the style-choices of mannequins…?

      • srsly

        oh, come on. when women and men walk into a store, they aren’t looking at the clothes on real people. they are looking at the clothes on a hanger/mannequin. so yes, the style-choices of mannequins placed at a store that women would buy the clothes from. if it’s about judging clothes and not bodies in clothes, there’s no reason to include real people in the clothes.

      • http://staugustinian.wordpress.com/ STaugustine

        “when women and men walk into a store, they aren’t looking at the clothes on real people. ”

        Is the article about shopping for clothes?

        Oh, come on, Srsly. You want an article-poster to bend-the-fuck-over-backwards to avoid showing actual women wearing actual outfits in an article about how attractive/ unattractive the article-writer finds these specific outfits. Just how flamboyant are your fucking hang-ups?

      • Anonymous

        I meant to say I didn’t think what the women in the pictures were doing was important because the analysis wasn’t comparative; each picture was judged individually. I didn’t find this offensive at all– like, BSG wrote a companion post to the article about shoes based on the same premise, okay. I don’t think the shoe article was offensive either though; the tone seemed (to me) pretty tongue-in-cheek and in the same vein as the other stuff that’s on philolzophy.

    • http://staugustinian.wordpress.com/ STaugustine

      I suspect this is a satirical response to that asinine,  recent article about judging the sexual attractiveness of men based on their foot-wear.

      • Claire

        the two articles really aren’t comparable. Judging men by their footwear is clearly tongue-in-cheek and much less sexually-charged than this article, which judges women on their body, how much of it their clothes reveal, and even their class (notice that all of the women on the would-not-fuck list are in “trashy” clothes in clubs and parties, and the women on the would-fuck list are prancing around in fields and cities?). In addition, women have always been MUCH more sexualized than men in every context.

  • your cousin

    Oh thank christ, an article with pictures. Can you all do this from now on, please? The walls of text throw me into fits of narcolepsy.

    Nice article. I gotta go change.

  • http://mannaarie.tumblr.com/ Manna Arie

    u r cool

  • http://twitter.com/adamhump adamhump

    Brandon, I’m the girl second from the bottom. Let’s talk.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    Reminds me of the VICE do or not section… 

    Hair goes into a lot of these equations

  • http://twitter.com/ditges The Kristen

    Did we go on a bad date about two years ago? Where you talked no-stop about you hated girls who wore boots like “that” until I said I had the same ones? Or is that just how all reindeer-sweater-wearing-hipsters speak? I don’t know you for sure, but if we date again, I promise to only wear clothes from Urban Outfitters. :*)

    • Greg

       burn

  • A girl

    Just an observation – it seems like the girls that you don’t want to sleep with are the ones who have dressed in a way that makes it seem like they’re trying to sleep with you. Does that translate? 

blog comments powered by Disqus