An Interview For Potential Girlfriends

In which the author imagines the hypothetical situation where he interviews someone for the position of his girlfriend, and the interview goes pretty well.

Me: Ah, hi! You’re [name], right? Ah, ehm, yes, well. It’s really nice out today, isn’t it?

You: [Warm but detached response regarding your name and the weather. Body language/ tonal cues indicating awareness of small-talk, desire to honor it yet shirk it as quickly as is comfortably possible. Positive, expectant, rapt demeanor.]

Me: Ok well my name is Brandon, and I’ll be interviewing you for the position of My Girlfriend today. So before I start, just so we’re on the same page, let me tell you a little about the position for which you’re interviewing.

The My Girlfriend position has a significant number of duties that we expect the qualified candidate to fulfill on a consistent basis. And without even getting into these duties, I should preface them with the fact that a key word here is “consistent.” In the past we’ve hired people that initially seemed like totally great hires, but were eventually unable to perform even the most basic tasks that the position requires. While we do understand that this position can be emotionally dynamic, taxing and at times unpredictable, consistency remains one of the main traits we’re looking for in a potential hire.

Anyways, on to the job description. In a My Girlfriend, we’re specifically looking for someone with a few years of experience in the field. Ideally, they should be strong communicators, intelligent, and able to relate on a realistic, down-to-earth level that doesn’t involve pervasive delusions of self, cliché or fantasy notions of reality, and discomfort with earnestness. We’re also looking for someone who’s basically over their Quest For Cool and is experienced enough to value ability to relate over superficial factors such as status, dress, level of irony, etc. Finally, the successful candidate will be reasonably comfortable and excited about sex with the company.

Anyway, without making this interview run on too long, that’s sort of a general overview of the position. Did I explain it well enough? Do you have a pretty good idea of what the My Girlfriend position entails?

You: [Verbal/ tonal/ body language affirmation and indication of earnest pique of interest and desire to quickly share your own thoughts about relationships, reality, honesty, and your own goals with the My Girlfriend position. Small speech on “completely getting” the problem of consistency in relationships and the strange, almost tangential effects that time has on the bond/ love between two people. Speech includes recognition (/gentle rebuttal) of the fact that asking and hoping for/ expecting consistency is somewhat paradoxical or perhaps just unrealistic, which, ironically, is what company expects the successful candidate not to be (i.e. unrealistic). Speech meanders into wondering aloud about the process by which two people grow apart yet still completely love each other; a twinge of genuine sadness/ emotion is shown as the wondering aloud reaches the fact that the law of cause and effect is actually completely horrifying, if one starts thinking too hard about it.]

Me: Yeah, I don’t get it either. I can completely relate to what you’re saying though. What you said really makes me want to say a lot to you, but I’m not, because I don’t want this interview to run on too long. I hope you understand. So. Who are your favorite artists?

You: [Somewhat quick list of musicians and authors in a slightly dismissive, endearing manner before a segue into an explanation of the idea that artistic tastes are “sort of important but not really. Like… music and film and literature and all that are fine but I honestly don’t give a shit about trying to connect ‘over film,’ or whatever. I don’t get ‘connecting over film.’ I’d much rather connect over the feeling we create via our interaction. Over the way we make each other feel. If we coincidentally like the same artists, fine. Seems like I honestly don’t care that much, about that, though.”]

Me: Yeah that’s totally fair. I agree. What are you like after a long day of minor disappointments? Do you come home and act like a total asshole to your boyfriend? How do you deal with it?

You: [Express that you’re not the type to do that; that you know that perceiving patterns such as “The Universe Hates Me Today” is irrational and foundationally pointless. Add that you do, “however,” expect comfort and that you want to be able to depend on that comfort.]

Me: Are you a type that ‘clings’? In other words, would you forbid me from seeing my friends if, for example, you were feeling upset about something? Would you text message me a totally unreasonable amount of times when I’m hanging out with my friends, in essence trying to have a conversation with me while I’m away? That type of thing?

You: “No, I would want you to be happy. I wouldn’t ever want to prevent you from being around your friends.”

Me: If I expressed that, for example, I’ve been really unsatisfied for the past week, with you, would you dramatize to such an extent that instead of being able to discuss it, I was the one that ended up having to comfort you? In other words, will you consistently deny the fact that I have a problem or an issue with you (not that I’m expecting to have a lot, but it happens, of course) by ‘making’ my problem with you a problem for you, thus causing my needs to go unmet and ironically ‘forcing’ me to comfort you for me having problems with you? Do you see what I’m saying?

You: [Indication that you understand. Expression that you will try not to do that, but that everyone’s human, and that you can’t promise to not be irrational sometimes, because everyone – even the interviewer – can be irrational sometimes.]

Me: True. Do you have trust issues? Are you jealous? Do you have an alcohol or drug problem? We prefer you aren’t a regular smoker (social smoking is totally good though), are you a regular smoker? Do you have anger management issues?

You: [Thoughtful indication that you’re pretty sure your answer is “no” to all of those questions.]

Me: How do you feel about sex?

You: [Statement that you “love” sex.]

Me: I just realized something. It’s that this position also requires a certain amount of surprise. For example we want someone who can overturn our logic sometimes; someone who’s actually challenging and maybe actively challenges us. Someone who can be unpredictable and unknown sometimes. Someone who can say something that will suddenly swell the situation with meaning such that we literally remember that moment for the rest of our lives. And so this interview may be a bit impossible, or may at a basic level–

You: [Completely unpredictable, penetrating remark, obviously made unintentionally. Obviously unaware how good I think it is.]

Me: [Eyes widen.] TC mark

image – bpsusf

More From Thought Catalog

  • http://somuchtocome.blogspot.com Aja

    Patiently awaiting Kat George’s counter An Interview For Potential Boyfriends. . . unless, I missed it and it already came out.   It’s interesting to see how other people’s needs stack up again my own.  I liked the end. 

  • http://somuchtocome.blogspot.com Aja

    Patiently awaiting Kat George’s counter An Interview For Potential Boyfriends. . . unless, I missed it and it already came out.   It’s interesting to see how other people’s needs stack up again my own.  I liked the end. 

  • http://somuchtocome.blogspot.com Aja

    Patiently awaiting Kat George’s counter An Interview For Potential Boyfriends. . . unless, I missed it and it already came out.   It’s interesting to see how other people’s needs stack up again my own.  I liked the end. 

  • Jordan

    The ending was pretty good, a bright mark on what was overall pretty taxing (and I wasn’t even being interviewed!).

    It made me wonder if I want the same things in a relationship, because although I would never (be able to) put it in these words, does that make it any less true for myself?

  • gazeclear

    dear bsg: i don’t know you, but you really need to stop writing “hypothetical” girlfriend articles. they are incredibly  tiresome and offer nothing. if you have a girlfriend, why do you keep writing about “pretend” girlfriends that don’t exist? that is all.

    • http://www.oneyearintexas.com Perfect Circles

      This is obviously BSG’s real girlfriend writing.

      • BOOOOOOO

        if I was this guy’s girlfriend, I would’ve dumped him about 5 articles ago..

    • dude

      or you could just like, pass on reading them, instead of, you know, reading them for some reason, then taking the time to shit on them with uncritical negativity that does little to enhance any meaningful conversation the pieces might promote.

      • Craig Duncan

        Sometimes the most meaningful conversation that is born out of a piece like this is the type of criticism that prevents someone from posting something truly awful and half-baked like this article. The audience is the one being subjected to this “writing” and has a right to speak up and give whatever opinion it is that they have on it. Otherwise it’s like getting punched in the face and being told that you can’t punch back.

      • Craig Duncan

        Sometimes the most meaningful conversation that is born out of a piece like this is the type of criticism that prevents someone from posting something truly awful and half-baked like this article. The audience is the one being subjected to this “writing” and has a right to speak up and give whatever opinion it is that they have on it. Otherwise it’s like getting punched in the face and being told that you can’t punch back.

      • Craig Duncan

        Sometimes the most meaningful conversation that is born out of a piece like this is the type of criticism that prevents someone from posting something truly awful and half-baked like this article. The audience is the one being subjected to this “writing” and has a right to speak up and give whatever opinion it is that they have on it. Otherwise it’s like getting punched in the face and being told that you can’t punch back.

      • gazeclear

        oh hi dude, i didn’t realize i could only comment if i “like” something. my bad. i didn’t need to read it to know that i didn’t want to read it. kthxbye. 
        ps no “shitting” just offering a tip. there is nothing meaningful to be said about it anyway.

      • dude

        you didn’t read the article?

      • Gazeclear

        nope, and i would like the 1 minute i spend skimming it for redeemable qualities back.

  • http://twitter.com/buytoiletpaper Meaghan S

    And this has been another creative/gimmicky installment of:  Forever longing for the girl-in-the-mirror/girl-in-my-head/girl-who-is-really-the-me-i-want-to-be/girl-no-one-could-ever-be-for-me.

    If you know all the right answers, date yourself.

  • https://unemploymentisnotsexy.wordpress.com/ To

    this was taxing as hell to read, but good nonetheless

  • Craig Duncan

    I’m sorry, but . . . This is the kind of writing that makes me feel truly embarrassed for the writer because said writer will come to realize in ~1-5 yrs. that what she/he wrote a few years prior was so embarrassingly bad and a waste of everyone’s time that they should have kept it hermetically sealed in their moleskine or burned it before anyone else got a chance to read it. With that said, keep writing, man, but have some scruples about what you decide to share with everyone else. The internet is not your dumping ground.

  • Craig Duncan

    I’m sorry, but . . . This is the kind of writing that makes me feel truly embarrassed for the writer because said writer will come to realize in ~1-5 yrs. that what she/he wrote a few years prior was so embarrassingly bad and a waste of everyone’s time that they should have kept it hermetically sealed in their moleskine or burned it before anyone else got a chance to read it. With that said, keep writing, man, but have some scruples about what you decide to share with everyone else. The internet is not your dumping ground.

    • klaus

      In 5 years he’ll have a great girlfriend and you’ll be Craig Duncan.

      • Craig Duncan

        Awesome, then things will have worked out for the both of us.

    • Guest

      actually the internet is literally his dumping ground, bro…

      • Guest

        i would go so far to say, as someone who often doesn’t like his writing, that the internet being bsg’s consistent dumping ground is one of things that makes his poetics interesting… in that he’s willing to risk embarrassment in laying his bare, frank, direct, seemingly honest thoughts out on the line like this, time and time again. most people wouldn’t have the courage to write about themselves at this level of intense, flaw-revealing frankness over and over again, and most people would come off sounding terrible as well, if they did. so his style becomes interesting in that he writes like this to an excess, where other people/writers would predictably shrink away. it’s admirable in that it seems to consistently experiment with behavior at a level most writers would shy away from. it’s less writerly and more ‘behavioral experiment’ maybe, or something, idk

  • http://maxwellchance.wordpress.com Duke Holland of Gishmale

    The concept of interviewing someone for My Girlfriend position just seems so wrong and unromantic. Too similar to internet dating. 

  • christine

    i used to really like TC and now the same 4 people post things all the time and it’s beginning to all sound the same. sorry guys.

  • Random

    I’m liked this and the one about applying to be someone’s gf, plus I think Brandon has some of the best writting on this site.

  • Jrein93

    I thought this was mildly cute and just okay at first, but the “eyes widen” at the end was perfect.

  • Lambrini Pobgenius

    Are you actually kidding me? What has happened to TC?

  • guest

    did you masturbate while writing this?

    • klaus

      I’m masturbating right now.

  • Fatninjas

    yet another self indulgent piece on tc

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=40304029 André Gooren

      yet another vapid comment on tc

      • Craig Duncan

        She/he’s got you beat when it comes to the word count, brother. Maybe you might elaborate on why it’s vapid so as not to appear vapid yourself. Just a suggestion.

  • Guest

    I enjoyed your piece. I just want to offer an unsolicited comment. I’m sure you’re successful in your relationships and I’m sure you live a very happy life. There were times that the article irked me a bit. Perhaps we have very different notions of what makes a good GF/BF etc, but I do feel like the majority of considerations in your piece came out of negative past experiences or general stereotype. I hope that when you do take someone out and get to know them, that how much they text you when your away or their ability to “dramatize” doesn’t cross your mind. You should be getting to know the person for themselves, and not as a comparison to some created memory of what a bad significant other does. Be on a search for what makes you happy first.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=40304029 André Gooren

    There seem to be a number of people who are just ‘hating on’ every article on this site regardless of the objective ‘quality’ of said article.  I realize that the overall ‘quality’ of articles is not what it once was but don’t just dismiss something because it bears some resemblance to a piece that you didn’t ‘like’/thought was a ‘piece of shit.’  BSG’s articles are routinely good and often great and even if you don’t dig the content, you can’t deny that his pieces are always well-written, smart, and funny.  This is a perfect example of the sort of content that all you ‘haters’ claim to be pining for (e.g. TC isn’t what it used to be; it changed; it used to be good but now…).  However, when stuff like this gets posted you immediately cut it down.

    Also, since when is being earnest in a humorous way such a bad thing?  Haters gonna hate.  

  • BOOOOOOO

    ew. you must be devoid of emotion and creativity if you want your love life to be like an interview..

  • jaymoney

    BSG, I’m sure you mean well, but this article makes you seem very immature and inexperienced in real relationships. 

    Obviously this is coming from problems or annoyances you’ve had in the past — your attitude seems to imply that these problems all result from her personality issues and the problem is finding the right girl who is free from these problems. Hate to break it to you, but you’re the one who’s stuck in delusions and fantasies about some perfect girl who comes with no baggage and inspires you and wants to have sex with you all day long.  This is roughly on par with young girls who dream of a strong but sensitive man to come sweep them off their feet and ride with them into the sunset.  In all fairness, it’s not entirely your fault — movies are filled with prototypical beautiful women who are cute and sexy and perplexing and sweep away your problems with a smile.  

    In reality, there are some things that can be screened — drug abuse, violent histories, smoking, etc. — but many behaviors that annoy men and women in relationships arise not because of a specific person but out of the context of the relationship — instability or game-playing causes insecurities about the relationship and annoying behaviors, poor communication leads to people not dealing with their problems which leads to a buildup of anger and resentment, etc. etc. 

    You don’t end up in a perfect relationship by finding a perfect woman with no problems. You end up in an imperfectly perfect relationship by finding someone who complements you, who loves you and you love her back, and you give and take and then you work at it and you keep working at it until the very end. 

    • Craig Duncan

      Thanks for this comment. You said everything that I was too tired to say. It feels good knowing that there are people out there like you; it feels good to know that it’s okay to be tired every now and again.

      • http://www.remylexington.blogspot.com Remy Lexington

        I just liked all of these. booya!

    • Guest

      >Hate to break it to you, but you’re the one who’s stuck in delusions and fantasies
      > about some perfect girl who comes with no baggage and inspires you and wants
      > to have sex with you all day long

      Yeah.

      I thought this part…

      “intelligent, and able to relate on a realistic, down-to-earth level that doesn’t involve pervasive delusions of self, cliché or fantasy notions of reality”

      …was funny in contrast to the rest of the writing, in that the majority of it is literally a prime example of  pervasive delusions of self, cliché or fantasy notions of reality. Wasn’t sure if he did that intentionally, though, so didn’t make any judgements. 

  • Thomas

    Holy shit people are taking this article way too seriously. I thought it was funny. Loved it.

  • Thomas

    Holy shit people are taking this article way too seriously. I thought it was funny. Loved it.

  • Thomas

    Holy shit people are taking this article way too seriously. I thought it was funny. Loved it.

  • Anonymous

    You: Yeah that’s totally fair. I agree. What are you like after a long day of minor disappointments? Do you come home and act like a total asshole to your boyfriend? How do you deal with it?
    Me: [Points out that it’s a loaded question, and that the examiner can’t expect to get answers out of any candidate, other than giggling and joking denial. Being realistic, it’s difficult to imagine that anyone would not be prickly and/or distant and/or asshole-ish, the factor in this case is the extent to which such behaviour is carried.] 

    *is amused by article*

  • dip

    you should be banned from any post that has the word girlfriend in the title

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