Things You Can Do To Make Me Avoid You

The first thing you can do to make me avoid you is to demand that attention be focused on you at all times. Bonus avoidance if you make your demands unconsciously and belligerently – if you’re so self-centered and absorbed with tales of past conquests that you don’t even realize that you’ve long since worn out any potential interest I may have had in you and replaced it with dread and the feeling that I definitely don’t want to hang out with you again.

I’m probably not going to want to hang out with you again if every time we hang out you’re looking at your Blackberry the whole time. I get that we’re in the information age and everything but I don’t get the point of hanging out if you’re just going to be chilling with someone online the whole time. This is fine – hang out online, you should just stay home, though. Honestly seems kind of abusive to trick someone into coming somewhere who expects to interface with you and actually just be online the whole time.

What’s also ‘abusive’ in some capacity is to tell me things that I can’t tell our mutual friends. I understand the whole bonding nature of secrets but outside of high school bonding over secrets becomes a bit weird. Unless it’s something like cancer or relationship infidelity or serious life issues or whatever, disallowing me from speaking about certain things isn’t a rule system I want to be ‘forced’ into.

I’ll probably start avoiding you if you’re bad to other people, too. There’s a hair in your food at Chipoltle? Ask for a new one, but don’t act like the employees just murdered your cat. Believe me: hair in food is an accident, and yelling at people for accidents is retarded. I’m really not into bitching out service employees, or bitching out anyone, for that matter (there are, of course, extenuating circumstances to this), so if you go around treating bus drivers, servers, baristas, and etc. like an asshole, I’ll definitely think you’re an asshole. Mean people suck.

Chances are high I’ll think you’re an asshole if you talk shit on our mutual friend as well. Shit talking celebrities, memes, songs, famous writers and etc. – that’s okay; it’s unavoidable. And I get that shit talking is a bonding thing – I get that you probably just want to be on a team with me; an Us Against Them sort of thing. But talking shit on people we know is sort of creepy, because when we hang out with the poor girl who you secretly hate, I’m forced to see you act really nice to her and like you’ve never had a bad thought about her. This will invariably dilute my opinion of you, and you might just start seeing less of me.

Finally, I’ll probably want to avoid you forever if you’re the type of person who hangs out with people because they’re Cool. I accept the notion that there exist Cool and Uncool people, but contrary to your beliefs, people can be stratified in different ways. There are different categories people fall into. I don’t want to chill with you if you’re the type of person who hangs out with people because they’re Cool, because, ultimately, if you only hang out with people who you think are Cool, you’re going to reject people because they’re Uncool, which in my opinion is… really Uncool. TC mark

image – Bundesarchiv, Bild 183-1990-1108-011 / CC-BY-SA

More From Thought Catalog

  • PUBLICPERV

    this looks like it was too easy to write.

  • http://twitter.com/unreuly roselle m. gonsalves

    You know what's really uncool? Using the word “retarded” as a pejorative.

    • PhermonousFan

      I think you're awesome for using “retarded” as a pejorative. Sometimes it's just the best word and should be used. Fuck people and their PC bullshit. No, I don't care if your best friend is 'mentally handicapped'.

      • inflammatorywrit

        I can think of 7 other adjectives off the top of my head that could replace the use of “retarded” in BSG's sentence and work just as well. Just saying.

      • http://www.facebook.com/sasjam Sas Jam

        Such as?

      • inflammatorywrit

        Really? Okay.
        Here's the original sentence: “yelling at people for accidents is retarded.”I would say that ridiculous, idiotic, unreasonable, absurd, irrational, moronic, ludicrous, or asinine make his point just as clearly.

      • http://www.facebook.com/sasjam Sas Jam

        Ah well, if you just clicked over from thesaurus.com to dictionary.com you'd also see that “retarded” also has more than one meaning. Unfair for the mentally handicapped to hog that word to themselves when other situations find it applicable- especially for the sake of not being able to use it. (Same applies to words like “pervert” or “queer”, etc) I'm not about playing favorites here.

        (*protip- check out that episode of South Park where they redefine the word “fag”. Sprinkle in a lil' satire and no one has to have their feelings hurt/morals compromised.)

        I shall end this with a winky face so as to convey my lack of preachiness/conviction.
        ;)

      • inflammatorywrit

        I don't need to go to dictionary.com to know that there is a difference between the verb “to retard” and the adjective “retarded” (and I resent the implication that I went to thesaurus.com in the first place!). I also don't know if “queer”and “retarded” are comparable. Queer is definitely still used pejoratively, but I think there's been a positive reclamation of the word “queer” by the gay community, and I don't know of any such movement by the mentally handicapped.

        I don't watch South Park. Do you know of any relevant Always Sunny episodes?

        Here's a kiss because I don't think you sound preachy at all, and it wasn't my intention to sound that way, either. :-*

      • http://www.facebook.com/sasjam Sas Jam

        I can dig.

    • Kelsea

      You realize that retarded was a word before it was used to describe mentally handicapped people, right?

      • PhermonousFan

        Did you misunderstand that I was talking about the two most obvious colloquial uses of the word retarded in the contemporary world? Was I supposed to point that out for a pedantic retard like you?

      • overmodern

        The words “idiot”, “moron”, “imbecile”, and “cretin” were also former words describing a certain IQ level and are no different from the word “retarded”.  Just as nobody in the medical community uses the word “idiot” to describe a person with a developmental disorder, nobody in the medical community uses the term “retard”, either.

        Be knowledgeable before acting PC and self-righteous.

      • Danielle

        THANK YOU

      • dip

        Dont be so retarded about this

  • Mgm

    You shouldn't describe an action as “retarded”. That's offensive.

  • Jake

    next article  by bsg i wish would be “reasons life is worth living” or something philosophical 

    this was good

  • http://fastfoodies.org Briana

    alright, so here's my question to humankind:

    if you find a hair in your food, is it really necessary to get a new order? like, just take the hair out. i get that it's universally 'gross' to have hairfood…but why? what's so gross about one piece o' hair?

    am i just a fucking cave(wo)man?

    • http://www.facebook.com/sasjam Sas Jam

      Depends on the restaurant.
      Any place with skanky attired waitresses? Keep the hair. Start a collection.

  • Pfft

    you seem high maintenance, and probably pretty uncool.

  • Lieb

    you seem to be a charming fellow with a winning personality

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    “I’m probably not going to want to hang out with you again if every time we hang out you’re looking at your Blackberry the whole time. I get that we’re in the information age and everything but I don’t get the point of hanging out if you’re just going to be chilling with someone online the whole time. This is fine – hang out online, you should just stay home, though. Honestly seems kind of abusive to trick someone into coming somewhere who expects to interface with you and actually just be online the whole time.”

    My girlfriend hates it when I go on my BlackBerry while she is talking/snuggling/eating/singing/sitting/drinking.

    • http://fastfoodies.org Briana

      'cool story, bro'

      as some would say.

  • http://www.facebook.com/jeffreyjamesskatzka Je Sk

    :)

  • nobody

    i love robin gibb circa 69

  • Kevin Lenard

    I'm struggling to understand why I'm reading this on ThoughtCatalog?  Slow day for submissions?  Brandon, you had the bad luck (poor judgment?) to spend too much time in the company of a girl who is either a narcissist or a high-functioning autistic (or both).  She doesn't choose to be entirely self-focused and insensitive to others, she is merely hard-wired for a lack of real empathy and to talk about what interests her most: herself (women between 5 and 35 spend a LOT of time focused on this subject during what I call their “Princess” and “Queen” phases: http://bit.ly/mdhsPv ).  When she 'acts nice' in front of this mutual friend she hates, she's not doing so because she understands that doing otherwise would hurt the girl's feelings, she's doing it because experience has taught her that exhibiting her own dislike will not benefit her, 'acting nice' will.  You've learned about a really nasty percentage of the population who are low EQ (some are also high IQ which makes them interesting to talk to, many are not), now move on, but if you are going to share with us on here, please make it interesting/insightful/humorous/surprising, not just reportage.

    • Alex Keen

      You make several big assumptions in this response, firstly that this is an article about an individual person. As far as I read this, the “you” in the title is plural. This is about behavioural traits, not an attack on an individual. And secondly, even if it were, you have no grounds to assume that it's a woman he's writing about. Thirdly, 'has a low EQ' is just a nice way of saying 'is an asshole'. Being inconsiderate might be due to some mental disorder in some cases, but it's not an automatic release from the responsibility to be a decent human being.

      As for your blog post, it's a horrorshow of stereotypes and clichés and saying “Before you jump down my throat on this point, yes, I'm generalizing” doesn't justify your misanthropic rantings at all. I see nothing that marks your blog out as an exceptional example of journalism, making your attack on this article seem unjustified and indicative of severe arrogance. In fact I think your tendency to reduce human behaviour to the product of biological functioning and your attempts to catalogue and categorise it in order to take advantage of it in 'the dating game' are highly indicative of traits like Asbergers or high-functioning autism which you mentioned. Maybe you're projecting?

      Or maybe you're just an asshole.

      • http://justonecynicsopinion.blogspot.com/ JustOneCynic

        Oh, Alex, I AM an asshole.  Always have been.  I'm also very high up on the high functioning autistic spectrum, though not high enough (according to my therapist) to be diagnosed as having Asperger's. Quite high IQ, average EQ.  Does being an asshole give me an automatic release from the responsibility to be a decent human being?  Certainly not, but then I've never been accused of having a low EQ, I tend to be quite sensitive to the emotions of others (so maybe I'm lying about the asshole designation just to make you feel your labelling of me is justfied). 

        As for a 'horrorshow', you, my young commenter, have crammed in some odd assumptions into a very short space.  It feels a bit like you make these kind of 'hater' replies (sorry, apt demonstrations of your “rapier-like wit” and the depth of your superior intelligence) often?  You've judged my blogging to be a desire to be a journalist, my thoughts on the stages of life that women go through to be 'misanthropic rantings' (?), my quite justified criticism of this post merely chronicling the behaviour of someone who is extremely self-absorbed and insensitive, rather than injecting any insight or thought-provocation you've called an 'attack', and you've decided that I'm trying to get the upper hand 'in the dating game' by pondering the origins of our sometimes inexplicable and counter-productive behaviour…

        Wow, Alex!  You've been busy judging, assuming, critiquing, attacking, commenting, but where are your blog posts?  Where are your 'deep thoughts'?  I've got three blogs and hundreds of thousands of words up on a ton of curious topics.  I applaud Brandon for this effort and have urged him to add more depth to the next one, as he did in “5 Things You Can Do…”  Come on, our avid critic, warm up those fingertips and let's see some insight from you!

  • Nicoleinparis

    I liked the article until the second to the last point.  Talking shit about a mutual friend is not that bad.  Sometimes we just gotta vent about what someone did.  Just because my friend did something outrageous and I process that with another person, does not mean I am fake when I see her next time. 

    You can still like a person and not like what they do.

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