The Jealous Boyfriend

The Jealous Boyfriend does not understand the concept of trust when it comes to the possibility of anyone – even his most trusted friend – ‘boning’ his girlfriend or becoming a confidant who will turn his girlfriend irrevocably against him. Why anyone, especially a friend, would attempt to turn the Jealous Boyfriend’s girlfriend against him appears initially as a mystery, but if we look rationally and work with the facts we have, we can easily see that the situation occurs simply because Jealous Boyfriend’s worldview is one in which people are not to be trusted and “love” is a somewhat superficial concept (in that it can’t stand up to conniving individuals). When in public, the Jealous Boyfriend is constantly on edge, detecting the slightest glance from passersby in his girlfriend’s general direction. What fuels the Jealous Boyfriend’s extreme jealousy is not hunger for control or power, but a worldview that places little faith in love and loved ones, coupled with an extreme level of insecurity regarding his own social and relationship stature.

• Most likely to be spotted at: A club that requires a dress code
• Favorite drink: Bud Light, Jägermeister, Jäger bombs, any alcoholic drink with “bomb” in its name, Four Loko, or Monster Energy Drink
• Favorite website: An online poker site, Yahoo! News, or College Humor

The Insecure Boyfriend

The Insecure Boyfriend may be jealous, but unlike the characteristically Jealous Boyfriend, the Insecure Boyfriend’s insecurity is ultimately of a more narcissistic and self-obsessed manner. While outward displays of masculinity, affability, confidence and power may be a regular part of the Insecure Boyfriend’s behavioral repertoire, the Insecure Boyfriend in fact has low self-confidence and extremely low self-esteem, both of which aggregate to produce a constant, needy second-guessing of his girlfriend’s love and loyalty to him and the belief that if she cheats on him he will have “deserved it” or it will have “made sense.” Additional typical behavior associated with the Insecure Boyfriend includes: worrying incessantly about response time between phone calls, voicemails, text messages, emails, or IMs and a tendency toward indecisiveness and statements such as “I don’t know, what do you want to do?” and “Whatever you want is fine, I don’t care.”

• Most likely to be spotted at:A neighborhood bar or alone in his room in front of his laptop
• Favorite drink: Any hard alcohol, which is had in excess upon each instance of feeling completely abandoned by his partner
• Favorite website:Gmail, for its chat feature, and Facebook, both of which enable him to digitally cling to his partner

The Flaccid Boyfriend

The Flaccid Boyfriend shares many attributes with the Insecure Boyfriend, yet is unique in that he is so accommodating to his partner so as to appear as having no personality whatsoever. Rather, the Flaccid Boyfriend appears simply as an extension of his partner’s persona and will, and is most likely to find himself in a relationship with an individual who has a dominant personality and is accustomed to maintaining control, structure and order in their own relationships. The Flaccid Boyfriend is most likely seen engaging in a number of the following behaviors: running “errands” for his partner while his partner goes out with friends, plays video games, or otherwise uses time in such a manner that making someone else run errands seems more like an “abuse” than a necessity, making unusual sacrifices for his partner’s happiness that do not appear to be in any way reciprocated by his partner, and/or neglecting the friends he had before his relationship. People who were friends with the Flaccid Boyfriend before the Flaccid Boyfriend engaged in a relationship with his partner will be severely disappointed and most likely baffled by the transformation that the Flaccid Boyfriend underwent; he is no longer even recognizable or relatable, as he exists solely for his partner, and not in any sense himself.

• Most likely to be spotted at: The post office, the grocery store, the laundromat, or in a car, driving somewhere to pick something up or otherwise execute some other agenda that is entirely his partner’s
• Favorite drink: Whatever his partner’s drinking
• Favorite website: Porn when his partner’s out drinking with his/her friends

The Jerk Boyfriend

Like the Insecure Boyfriend, The Jerk Boyfriend is obsessed with himself. However, the Jerk Boyfriend is unique here because he maintains an impression of himself so grand and one-sided that it can not be said to reflect reality except by his friends, who are either at the same level of delusion as him or are simply his Yes Men. The Jerk Boyfriend seems to feed off of others’ pain and is perhaps an emotionally needy individual, but what he craves most is validation for his ego. The Jerk Boyfriend is often thought of as the most successful and respectable of the different types of boyfriends there are, and this may be the case because the Jerk Boyfriend appears to maintain his sense of self at all costs; his ego, persona and fuel for these entities are indeed more important to him than his partner or the health of his relationship.

• Most likely to be spotted at: The most relevant dive bar or house party
• Favorite drink: Inexpensive beer
• Favorite website: You don’t know? Pfffff.

The Reasonable Boyfriend

The Reasonable Boyfriend is perhaps the boyfriend most open and willing to discuss – at a level that assumes equality, self-worth, respect and a conscious recognition of the value of maintaining a relationship in which both parties feel comfortable – relationship issues without becoming defensive, irrationally angry or abusive. While this sounds good on paper, it can be the case that The Reasonable Boyfriend is not as emotionally available as the others in this list. Others in this list are apt to love hard; to love in a blind and non-strategic and all-or-nothing way; to not be aware of the future and what it might hold and as such fall intensely and recklessly and without precedent. The Reasonable Boyfriend, because of his nature, is perhaps unable to achieve this level of intensity, and is instead apt to seek compromise, endlessly, relying on logic instead emotion, navigating emotional issues with rationalism, and making up excuses for the loss of passion and immediacy that seasoned relationships so often experience.

• Most likely to be spotted at: Out to dinner with his partner, at a neighborhood bar with his friends, or at a party with his partner and his friends
• Favorite drink: Cocktails?
• Favorite websites: Reddit, New York Times, NYMag