Problems Unique to Long-Term Relationships

Do we want to be in a long-term relationship, or do we want to be single forever? Do we want all those nights alone, or do we want the constant demand of responsibility for another person’s needs, desires, and – ultimately – happiness? Perhaps by illuminating some of the problems unique to LTR’s, we can better judge if we’d like to have one. I have a feeling the answers aren’t going to be so cut and dry, though.

That “What’s Wrong?” Can Turn Into a Major Argument

“What’s wrong,” you ask your partner after (perhaps incorrectly) perceiving that something about their manner just seems off, like maybe you did something to hurt their feelings, or maybe they don’t love you as much anymore… like maybe you’re going to lose them. “Nothing,” your partner will respond, failing to make eye contact with you, or touch you in a reassuring way. “Nothing’s wrong. I’m just tired.” “Yeah, but… you were tired the other day and you weren’t acting like this. Are you sure there’s nothing wrong? What’s wrong?” “Nothing’s wrong, I told you,” your partner shoots back, visibly irritated. “Well, why are you upset now? Why are you getting upset about me asking if something’s wrong?” “NOTHING. IS. WRONG,” your partner says, now red in the face. The ‘argument’ escalates further until you’re spewing out all your insecurities about the relationship and how s/he’s not meeting your needs, then you actually transition into this lecture about how your partner is way less considerate than you are and about what Love and Relationships are supposed to look like. All because of “What’s wrong.”

The Couple at the Bar With Nothing to Talk About Scene

Picture it: a late-20s guy and a late-20s girl, sitting across from each other at happy hour, waiting for their happy hour-priced appetizer to come, vodka tonics in hand, just looking at each other. One says something, the other misunderstands, the first corrects the misunderstanding, and the other says “Oh, I thought you said…” The first anwers, “Nope, that’s not what I said…” The couple falls silent once more. Both just want so badly for the appetizer to come so they can start stuffing their mouths for an excuse not to talk, and in the meantime, are forced to avoid eye contact, quickly smile when eye contact is accidentally made, and try to think of something to talk about. The two are stymied further when the server comes over after ten more minutes to inform them that sorry, they’re actually out of what they ordered today, but can she get another appetizer for them? Happy hour prices will be honored. The whole scene is fairly excruciating for the two, and induces both to not focus on ‘the joys’ of being at a bar with the one they love but on the fact that they have nothing to talk about and that this actually represents an existential red flag: Unsatisfaction.

The Incessant Need to Feel Satisfied

If the two parties in a long-term monogamous relationship are at all aware of the concept of an existence limited by time and the fact that ‘to commit to someone’ = ‘to believe that the relationship will last until one person in the relationship dies, thus excluding – theoretically – any chance of romantic union with an individual outside the relationhip and implying that this person in front of you – this face, these breasts, this mouth, this ass, this voice, this brain, this set of problems, this quirk, this nervous tick, this required anxiety medication, these parents, etc. – is undeniably going to be a constant which you will face for no less than 12 hours a day and will actively demand attention for the rest of your life,’ then there is often this pervasive, incessant feeling in the relationship that the couple must feel satisfied, and that if the couple does not feel satisfied, then something is wrong, and there is cause for great, Wagnerian existential despair, because the relationship is theoretically one they have chosen to live the rest of their lives in. This issue is further exacerbated by one of its natural consquences: the hyper-awareness of whether or not one is fully satisfied. This awareness in turn causes the ‘user’ to be intensely critical of himself, his role in the relationship, his partner and his partner’s role in the relationship, as well as analyze the relationship by comparing it to cultural narratives for happiness, satisfaction with one’s long-term mate, and other couples. In sum, all this hyper-awareness, overanalysis and incessant judgment basically leads to a big, revolving ball of metaphysical shit that really can dampen the mood at the dinner table.

The Terrifying Duality of Commitment to Commitment

As explained above, commitment in itself is sort of an epic life change if you are to adhere to its requirements. So in essence your commitment itself is… a commitment. Like, you have to commit to being committed. I can’t tell if I’m being redundant or not – probably. The idea I’m unsuccessfully trying to get across is that committing is freaking terrifying, and not committing is equally horrendous. What if you don’t commit? The narrative is that you’ll eventually get too old and too set in your ways to have the savvy, prowess and/or desire to date and find a suitable mate and that you’ll spend the rest of your days an unsatisfied spinster/ creep and die a cold death alone and without anyone to pay for the funeral. What a terrible but ultimately convincing narrative. But commitment is just as scary.

The Mutual Experience of Boredom

“What do you want to do?” “I don’t know, what do you want to do?” “I don’t know… I don’t want to do anything. I’m not actively sitting here wanting to do something. If I wanted to do something I would do it.” “Well… what should we do?” “I don’t know what we should do.” “Well, what do you want to do?” “I told you, I don’t like, want to do anything. I don’t have something for us to do, I’m sorry.” “We should do something though… we can’t just sit here.”

After a certain amount of time in a relationship, there is just like, not that much to do anymore. You’ve already done all those crazy things together just to prove that you were a person capable of doing crazy stuff, you’ve already stayed up all night fucking, you’ve already drank each other under the table on numerous occasions, you’ve already explored drugs together, you’ve already started your own clothes-hawking side business together. Yet there remains this expectation that you must be doing something all the time, and if you’re not… if you find yourself without anything to do at all, bored and listless, it’s that red flag again: Unsatisfaction. TC mark

More From Thought Catalog

  • http://heheheheheheheeheheheehehe.com/ tao

    i feel interested in reading more

    feel like this, with some graphs or diagrams maybe, would be a sweet poster or laminated 'card,' or something, to have and read sometimes

    • Salsa

      no i think your example qualifies as an actual card

    • Fuckfart

      Idiot.

  • http://brianmcelmurry.blogspot.com/ Brian McElmurry

    Dude #1 is so true. All this is true. Almost fucked either way. I guess you're at least loved and love.

  • http://www.upbsel.blogspot.com Alice May Connolly

    Nailed it.

  • http://twitter.com/simbelsim simbel

    Eh, second whiny article about poorly executed relationships between immature people with no personalities on Thought Catalog over the course of two days.

    It's not like all my relationships have been perfect that I dare to criticize these posts. It's just that the relationships written about are so obviously flawed that I don't see why the descriptions of the problems try to sound like objective truths.

    • http://twitter.com/simbelsim simbel

      Not a bitch though; I do still love TC.

      • Brandon

        do tell how these problems come from relationships that are obviously flawed, i'm interested

      • http://twitter.com/simbelsim simbel

        I think Christopher's comment sums it up nicely already. You seem to blame long-term monogamy, whereas what I see is two people who don't connect at a very deep level, who have grown bored of each other and have nothing interesting to talk about. Plus commitment issues.
        There's nothing about these problems intrinsic to and necessarily stemming from monogamy, or long-term relationships in general.

      • Robin

        To say people in such situations are “immature people with no personalities” is ridiculous though. I dare say plenty of your friends and family have found themselves in relationships with phases of the above at times.

      • http://twitter.com/simbelsim simbel

        Good point, thank you. The statement you quote was indeed a bit harsh; I think I wrote it more with the previous article in mind (why being in a relationship sucks or something to that extent).

      • Robin

        :) Understandable.

  • Clf

    “awareness” might not be the word

  • JD

    #2 is difficult to read and makes me cringe – probably because it's what i fear most. How utterly awkward and bleak.

  • anonymous

    i've been in a 7 year relationship, this has been my first and only relationship, i don't really see my commitment as a commitment, because i never had the struggle of not committing to a person previously.

    i have learned the mutual experience of boredom is solved by seperate computers.

    i love your article, thanks so much for sharing.

  • Blork

    everything is so bleak. it is so bleak and miserable. there is no joy in this bleak existence.  that awkward couple is a bleak metaphor for the bleakness of this bleak bleak world

  • bdon

    This is a pretty miserable portrayal  and not in line with any of my experiences dating my boyfriend of 5 years which has also been long-distance at times…these people sound boring and awful no wonder it's reflecting on their relationship.   and not in line with any of my experiences dating my boyfriend of 5 years which has also been long-distance at times…these people sound boring and awful no wonder it's reflecting on their relationship.

    • faith

      sweet.

    • idk

      did you have a stroke halfway thru

  • http://christophermluna.com Christopher Michael Luna

    Traditional monogamy certainly has its drawbacks, though I think what you're describing is what happens after infatuation wears off if there's no deeper connection between people.  My wife and I change so much that getting bored with each other isn't really an option.  I don't know, most of this seems to boil down to two people who are bored with each other.

    I think we can find new ways having committed relationships that don't suffer from the traditional problems, though, if you find a partner who values truth and experimentation over social norms.

    • http://www.upbsel.blogspot.com Alice May Connolly

      My boyfriend said to me once that it's easy when you are continually amazed by your partner and continually allow yourself to be.

      • kharlamovaa

        I totally agree. After 3 years, even when we have our down-times and get angry and frustrated and bored with each other, we always crawl up to fascination all over again – it's just about paying the proper attention and talking to each other.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=707272007 Alex Thayer

    as someone that has never been in a committed “long-term” type of relationship, i can can confidently say that i have had the opportunity to witness all of these situations, and think of witty narratives to write about them, while never actually writing said narratives.

    for your wherewithal and “ability-to-be-prolific”, i commend you, Brandon Scott Gorrell

  • Ell

    All of these sound like my relationships at about the 1-year point. 

    My boyfriend and I (4 years and counting) went through each of these and owned them thoroughly. Except I guess we still take turns doing the “what's wrong” runaround every few months.

  • http://thetangential.com Becky Lang

    the people who disagree with this are in denial

    • Hollysayso

      or happy.

  • Amy

    The “What's Wrong” is accurate, but avoidable. Communication y'all.

  • Heyberna

    You're single.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1642773144 Andrew Garton

    Everything in this article is bullshit. Even in a weak relationship, all of the above can be avoided with good communication, and the will to understand what your partner wants.

  • Caitlyn

    Oh hi, this is my life. Thanks for posting this.

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