What Type of Disapproving Commenter Do You Want to Be Today?

I am sorry for the inevitable alienation that will arise between Thought Catalog’s readership and me as a result of this article, and in advance, for all minor spelling and grammatical errors – please bear with me. I am a flawed human being.

iStockPhoto

What type of disapproving commenter do you want to be today? There are so many options. I guess it depends on how you’re feeling. Or, maybe – how many friends you have. How depressed you are. Oh – sentence fragment! Comment that this piece has a sentence fragment, and as such, is, well, stupid, and should be considered as such, because anything containing a grammatical error is undeniably, objectively bad. This will make you the Commenter Who Comments Merely To Establish That There Is A Typo Or Minor Grammatical Error in An Article, which, if you need a metaphor, can be accurately visualized as one of those weird tunnel robots in The Matrix whose sole purpose is to seek and destroy humans. (Instead, you just go around the blogosphere and ‘annihilate’ blog posts and their respective authors upon discovery of a misused comma.) So consider being the Commenter Who Comments Merely To Establish That There Is A Typo Or Minor Grammatical Error in An Article!

Or… wait. Maybe I should backtrack. Maybe this post is total vacuous apathetic 20-something angst ridden confused bitter juvenile hipster bullshit. You could totally point that out in the comments section! Without any qualifications, of course. Or anything else, for that matter. Then you would be The Commenter Who is Upset About An Article Seeming ‘Hipster.’ You could just write one line – Nothing like another hipster bullshit piece perfect for this magazine’s target demographic. Oh, how sharply you put it, and how intellectually robust your critique, how information-dense and completely meaningful your quip. This is perhaps the best type of commenter to be, because it is perhaps the easiest. All you have to do is be vaguely sarcastic, overtly negative, use the word “hipster,” and you have an immediate, relevant and viscous platform on which others can side with you. And then you have a team! The This Article Sucks team.

Maybe I’m missing something. Maybe this article was simply TL and you DR (but you took the time to comment “TL;DR”). This would be the perfect place to comment “TL;DR.” Or, more appropriately, “TL;DR (BTTTTC’TL;DR’).” Being the Commenter Who Didn’t Read An Article Because It Was Too Long is a very, very simple (both intellectually and ‘technically’) way to side with others on the This Article Sucks team (or be the first to start the This Article Sucks team). Because, as told, it’s great to have people on your side, and it’s especially great when everyone agrees with you.

“And then you have a team! The This Article Sucks team.”

What type of disapproving commenter do you want to be today? Perhaps you want to be the Extremely Serious Commenter Who Apparently Lacks Any Semblance of a Sense of Humor. Assuming this role will quickly establish you as an activist for political correctness and all things super-serious. Someone writes an article making fun of all races – including his own? Crucify him. A male writes an account of getting a blow job and publishes it on the internet? That is a total, completely misogynist, freaking egregious shit-in-the-face to all women on the entire planet. The article should be taken down immediately! You will reconsider reading our magazine if it does not get taken down immediately! Moreover – this guy who wrote this piece must be seriously, disturbingly obsessed with his penis. Oh my god. He’s completely obsessed with his penis! He is disturbed. Give us three drawn out paragraphs on it.

But, seriously – what type of disapproving commenter do you really want to be today? There are so many options. One of the best is to simply be the Commenter Who Doesn’t Care About an Article But Cares About Commenting on the Article That He Doesn’t Care About the Article. Paradoxical as this commenting role may sound, this type of commenter exists in significantly high numbers throughout the blogosphere, and as such, you’ll have absolutely nothing to worry about when it comes to getting others to side with you on the This Article Sucks team.

Or – here’s one more: does an article you come across simply irk you? Maybe you read an article today and for some reason it just offended you – but you can’t understand why. You can’t put your finger on it. Taking this into account, today would be the perfect day to be the Commenter Who Straight Up Ridicules The Author of an Article in a Manner Only Vaguely Related To The Topic Of the Article. Don’t worry – the general populace still hasn’t reached the social intelligence of someone that’s graduated grade school, so it’s perfectly fine to simply call the author of an article, for example, ugly, and tell them not to have babies, if you feel abstractly offended by her piece, even if you’re not in grade school anymore. The beauty of the internet.

So what type of disapproving commenter do you want to be today? There are so many I haven’t covered – the Commenter Who Comments Only To Say An Article Was Objectively ‘Pointless,’ the Commenter Who Thinks An Article is Poorly Written, the Commenter Who Is Incredibly Offended By The Editorial Direction of A Magazine And Comments That ‘This Magazine Has Gone to Shit’ and That He Doesn’t Read The Magazine Anymore, the Commenter Who Comments on an Article To Tell Us Why She Didn’t Read the Article, and a whole lot more. So, what will it be? We prefer, generally, the Commenter Who Provides Clear, Reasonable Statements in Support of Her Comment but of course, it’s for you decide. TC mark

More From Thought Catalog

  • PERFECTCIRCLES

    As TC's most prolific and least emotionally resonant commenter, I'm happy to see none of these apply to me.

    I'm NOT this theoretical commenter.

    • http://twitter.com/kyleangeletti Kyle Angeletti

      i for one, enjoy your take on the comments section.

  • azi

    so gay

    • jake s

      this is a cool new brand of commenter!

      • http://kumquatparadise.tumblr.com aaron nicholas

        i feel like i need to rebrand for Q2 2k11

    • http://kumquatparadise.tumblr.com aaron nicholas

      why do you read thought catalog azi?

  • http://twitter.com/dementia_inc dementia inc.

    I call dibs on the The Commenter Who is Upset About An Article Seeming ‘Hipster.’ !
    Even though I cannot provide reasonable and clear support…

  • Dan

    Commenter who comments to point out that he likes the article about commenters (and secretly feels shame related to the general thrust of the article and therefore feels the urge to make that slightly less secret)

  • Fullmeltbubble

    u blow dude…..suck my tweeny little penis u poser. oh yeah and your syntax is garbage you wanna-be author.

    • PERFECTCIRCLES

      This is exactly what the article was about!

      • http://www.twitter.com/adamhump Adamhump

        damn

      • Jenna

        BSC- you forgot the “i state the obvious with an exclamation point!” commenter.

      • http://kumquatparadise.tumblr.com aaron nicholas

        and the “person who hits like on a comment as an act of solidarity and/or laziness” commenter

    • http://kumquatparadise.tumblr.com aaron nicholas

      u trollin boy

    • http://kumquatparadise.tumblr.com aaron nicholas

      also, why do you read thought catalog?

  • http://twitter.com/phmadore phmadore

    Not sure where this will make me fall, but I like anything that brings emotion out in the following individuals: Tao Lin, Megan Boyle, or BSG. It's nice when you guys don't seem so disaffected and full of shit.

    • http://twitter.com/phmadore phmadore

      So, therefore, and you've earned it:

      'sweet'

      • Brandon Scott Gorrell

        sweet

  • Abcdefg

    Too long, did not read.

    • PERFECTCIRCLES

      This is exactly what the article was about!

    • http://kumquatparadise.tumblr.com aaron nicholas

      i can't tell if you are being ironically funny or seriously spiteful

  • Camron

    oh you mad?


  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Carlos-Ortiz/1279921705 Carlos Ortiz

    I like to comment on stories that I enjoy reading and stating why I liked them and sharing my similar experiences or thoughts surrounding the theme or events, and I like it when the author or someone else replies, even if it's just a gratitude reply which doesn't 'mean' much to me but I understand and appreciate more than just getting a like, which are in turn better than nothing.
    So I guess I'm the commenter reaching for a human connection of substance while considering ideas and digesting thoughts and experiences.

    • PERFECTCIRCLES

      Carlos you said it.

      • CAPTAINPENISHELMET

        I LOVE YOU PERFECT CIRCLES

    • http://twitter.com/Dan_Hoffmann Dan Hoffman

      Carlos, you have left some respectful and encouraging comments on my articles. Thank you. They mean a lot.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Carlos-Ortiz/1279921705 Carlos Ortiz

        I am glad Dan, I now feel like I should have read more of your articles in the past, which looking at your Thought Catalog history seem like interesting ones that I skipped due to arbitrariness in face of a large selection, or having missed them entirely.

  • Lani

    So you guys don't like when your readers comment? Get rid of the comment function on your website. Thought Catalog seemed like the type of place where we could have an open and honest debate. If you want to write unchecked, why don't you all just go to print.

    • Guest

      “So, what will it be? We prefer, generally, the Commenter That Provides Clear, Reasonable Statements in Support of Her Comment but of course, it’s for you decide.”

      read the whole article before interpreting the point of the article

      also read the title of the article more carefully

    • lani

      Oh wait that's right, that business is dying…

    • TaraMae

      Commenter Who Replies Only To Vigorously Defend Anyone's Right To Comment Like A Total Asshole And Calls It “Honest Debate”

  • http://hbgwhem.tumblr.com/ HBGWHEM

    bro what about commenter who goes ” i like this article! I tried it out with my boyfriend that i met on dirtyspamsexcumdream dot org add me on there! =p” that type of commenter makes up ~91% of the yahoo commenting community

  • http://www.theuglynewyorker.com Stephanie Georgopulos

    slow clap for bsg! love this hard.

  • http://twitter.com/phmadore phmadore

    And I mean, just from an objective standpoint, “commenter” should be followed by “who,” not “that.” I don't think this necessarily lessens the value of your criticism here, though your earlier statements in the post do show you to be devoid of the age-old writerly wisdom: don't start nutin' ain't be nutin'. That is, if you do your best to have a grammatically flawless argument, you can be sure that you won't be getting criticized on that; you'll be getting criticized on its merit. 8th grade grammar was hard for me, too, BSG, I was I was way too fucking high all the time and the dude was a prick — still, though, seriously! It can't be commercially beneficial to be shilling out shitty grammar like that. So don't do it.

    • Brandon Scott Gorrell

      yes, it is mostly 'commenter who' but i slipped on the last paragraph, forgot to change, will change now

      i almost always just write '[person] that' and always have to go back and change it

      defending myself for making minor grammatical mistakes that no one necessarily cares about

  • madison

    For the record I had a point. I found the fact that this girl didn't care about her life offensive. I felt like I backed it up well and told you in the mean time how much I usually enjoy your articles. I just don't like the idea that some girl allowed her ex boyfriend to beat her up because he was angry and she was bored.

    As a rape survivor, it bothered me.

    • madison

      Sorry I lack of sense of humor about it….

    • madison

      I know she wasn't saying I wasn't tough enough to defend myself but it felt that way. It also felt like she was promoting toughness in society. I don't know I have bigger things to think about than this girls crappy writing, like the stupid shit congress is doing. Why don't you have someone write an article about that instead of letting some girl talk about when she allowed her ex beat her up.

      Brandon I know this is about me so really want something positive to come out of it.

      • Mrich

        B r a n d o n

  • http://www.facebook.com/minscoe Michael Inscoe

    This is funny. I enjoyed reading it.

  • http://twitter.com/ncnsstnt Bobby

    Aww, so cute. When you grow up you're gonna be a real fine writer, young man. Just keep at it. And way to brandish your insecurities right out there like that. Going for the whole ironic strength thing. I loved the concept of 'This Article Sucks' team. I am not on that team. Call me the commentator who is way older than you and will talk like your old dad, like you care. Hipster.

    • http://kumquatparadise.tumblr.com aaron nicholas

      why do you read thought catalog bobby?

      • http://twitter.com/ncnsstnt Bobby

        To feel fucking old, apparently. And to see how fucked up the generation or 2 below me is and in retrospect how fucked up I was at that age. And to finally drive home the point that I have not evolved as much as I would like to think. Other than that, I like the format and think the concept is cool. Maybe I'll find something on here that resonates with me on a more authentic level, maybe not. But I applaud writers writing. Good for them.

      • cheer up, bob

        lets see a smile

      • http://twitter.com/JosephErnest Joseph Ernest Harper

        seems like a weird article to post this on man.

  • alikat

    Brilliant. The only one you left out is the Commenter Who Trashes Previous Commenters So That The Comment Thread Deviates From The Article Itself And Degenerates Into A Veritable Diarrhea Of Sophomoric Ad Hominem Rejoinders”

  • shoehorn

    i will probably end up using “shit-in-the-face” irl. made me man-giggle.

  • Jody Fossler

    thought catalog is a sin. commenting negative energy onto a sin is redemptive.

    • http://kumquatparadise.tumblr.com aaron nicholas

      why do you read thought catalog jody?

      • Jody Fossler

        religious purposes.

      • http://kumquatparadise.tumblr.com aaron nicholas

        seems as good a reason as any. i can dig.

  • http://twitter.com/kyleangeletti Kyle Angeletti

    was expecting to see something like this.

    trolls gonna troll though.

  • http://newhandsweepstakes.com/writings/this-is-your-cat-on-drugs/ Brian McElmurry

    Seems highly relevent. Enjoyed this.

  • Madamexpsychosis

    tl;dr

  • CAPTAINPENISHELMET

    SEEMS BLEAK!

  • ricardo

    i <3 tc even if you dont <3 me

  • Student

    it's so easy to be an asshole when you're promised anonymity…

blog comments powered by Disqus