What Type of Disapproving Commenter Do You Want to Be Today?

I am sorry for the inevitable alienation that will arise between Thought Catalog’s readership and me as a result of this article, and in advance, for all minor spelling and grammatical errors – please bear with me. I am a flawed human being.

What type of disapproving commenter do you want to be today? There are so many options. I guess it depends on how you’re feeling. Or, maybe – how many friends you have. How depressed you are. Oh – sentence fragment! Comment that this piece has a sentence fragment, and as such, is, well, stupid, and should be considered as such, because anything containing a grammatical error is undeniably, objectively bad. This will make you the Commenter Who Comments Merely To Establish That There Is A Typo Or Minor Grammatical Error in An Article, which, if you need a metaphor, can be accurately visualized as one of those weird tunnel robots in The Matrix whose sole purpose is to seek and destroy humans. (Instead, you just go around the blogosphere and ‘annihilate’ blog posts and their respective authors upon discovery of a misused comma.) So consider being the Commenter Who Comments Merely To Establish That There Is A Typo Or Minor Grammatical Error in An Article!

Or… wait. Maybe I should backtrack. Maybe this post is total vacuous apathetic 20-something angst ridden confused bitter juvenile hipster bullshit. You could totally point that out in the comments section! Without any qualifications, of course. Or anything else, for that matter. Then you would be The Commenter Who is Upset About An Article Seeming ‘Hipster.’ You could just write one line – Nothing like another hipster bullshit piece perfect for this magazine’s target demographic. Oh, how sharply you put it, and how intellectually robust your critique, how information-dense and completely meaningful your quip. This is perhaps the best type of commenter to be, because it is perhaps the easiest. All you have to do is be vaguely sarcastic, overtly negative, use the word “hipster,” and you have an immediate, relevant and viscous platform on which others can side with you. And then you have a team! The This Article Sucks team.

Maybe I’m missing something. Maybe this article was simply TL and you DR (but you took the time to comment “TL;DR”). This would be the perfect place to comment “TL;DR.” Or, more appropriately, “TL;DR (BTTTTC’TL;DR’).” Being the Commenter Who Didn’t Read An Article Because It Was Too Long is a very, very simple (both intellectually and ‘technically’) way to side with others on the This Article Sucks team (or be the first to start the This Article Sucks team). Because, as told, it’s great to have people on your side, and it’s especially great when everyone agrees with you.

“And then you have a team! The This Article Sucks team.”

What type of disapproving commenter do you want to be today? Perhaps you want to be the Extremely Serious Commenter Who Apparently Lacks Any Semblance of a Sense of Humor. Assuming this role will quickly establish you as an activist for political correctness and all things super-serious. Someone writes an article making fun of all races – including his own? Crucify him. A male writes an account of getting a blow job and publishes it on the internet? That is a total, completely misogynist, freaking egregious shit-in-the-face to all women on the entire planet. The article should be taken down immediately! You will reconsider reading our magazine if it does not get taken down immediately! Moreover – this guy who wrote this piece must be seriously, disturbingly obsessed with his penis. Oh my god. He’s completely obsessed with his penis! He is disturbed. Give us three drawn out paragraphs on it.

But, seriously – what type of disapproving commenter do you really want to be today? There are so many options. One of the best is to simply be the Commenter Who Doesn’t Care About an Article But Cares About Commenting on the Article That He Doesn’t Care About the Article. Paradoxical as this commenting role may sound, this type of commenter exists in significantly high numbers throughout the blogosphere, and as such, you’ll have absolutely nothing to worry about when it comes to getting others to side with you on the This Article Sucks team.

Or – here’s one more: does an article you come across simply irk you? Maybe you read an article today and for some reason it just offended you – but you can’t understand why. You can’t put your finger on it. Taking this into account, today would be the perfect day to be the Commenter Who Straight Up Ridicules The Author of an Article in a Manner Only Vaguely Related To The Topic Of the Article. Don’t worry – the general populace still hasn’t reached the social intelligence of someone that’s graduated grade school, so it’s perfectly fine to simply call the author of an article, for example, ugly, and tell them not to have babies, if you feel abstractly offended by her piece, even if you’re not in grade school anymore. The beauty of the internet.

So what type of disapproving commenter do you want to be today? There are so many I haven’t covered – the Commenter Who Comments Only To Say An Article Was Objectively ‘Pointless,’ the Commenter Who Thinks An Article is Poorly Written, the Commenter Who Is Incredibly Offended By The Editorial Direction of A Magazine And Comments That ‘This Magazine Has Gone to Shit’ and That He Doesn’t Read The Magazine Anymore, the Commenter Who Comments on an Article To Tell Us Why She Didn’t Read the Article, and a whole lot more. So, what will it be? We prefer, generally, the Commenter Who Provides Clear, Reasonable Statements in Support of Her Comment but of course, it’s for you decide. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

I am the co-publisher of Thought Catalog. Follow me on Twitter. I also use a pen name called Holden Desalles.

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