The 10 Commandments For Having a Girlfriend

  1. Thou shalt not attempt to prove thy girlfriend’s emotions logically incorrect. Thy girlfriend finds this to be one of thy most frustrating and alienating behaviors, as this only illustrates thy unwillingness to recognize her feelings, and that thou is actually just trying to tell her that her feelings do not exist. Furthermore, as a general rule, thou shalt not rely too heavily on logic when addressing any and all emotional issues; emotional issues, by their nature, are not logical. Instead, it is most expedient to meet emotional issues with emotion of thy own – positive emotion, preferably – and if thou feels no emotion at all, well then, thou may be in for a long discussion.
  2. Thou shalt make a sincere, sustained attempt to be emotionally available as much as possible, even in the face of extreme difficulty, because thy emotional availability is what sold her on thee in the first place. If thou cannot be emotionally available (which is understandable, as one cannot be emotionally available at all times), thou shalt at least cue thy girlfriend in as to why thou is not emotionally available and ask for her patience and understanding.
  3. Along the same lines, thou shalt keep an open line of communication as much as is possible. If thou finds this difficult – for keeping an open line of communication can be a difficult task – thou shalt remain undeterred. Keeping an open line of communication will reinforce the positive aspects of thy relationship and strengthen mutual problem solving skills, as well as condition the two of ye to be consistently open and honest with each other.
  4. Thou shalt not pretend to be someone else for thy girlfriend’s benefit, for this can only lead to secrets, shame, and thy own alienation and estrangement, which is a recipe for extreme dissatisfaction if this Maker has ever heard of one.
  5. Thou shalt not engage in point-by-point ‘takedown’ arguments with thy girlfriend, for they are, ironically, pointless. Further, thou shalt minimize bickering matches, because their existence only indicates problems of a deeper nature, and it is here that thou should explore. In other words, if thou finds himself consistently getting pissy about thy girlfriend’s genuine mistakes or altogether innocent behavior, thou shalt not blame it on her.
  6. Thou shall throw the concept of ‘fairness’ out the door; fairness does not apply in this realm. No two people are alike, and, for example, thou being okay with thy girlfriend crying and getting upset over a trivial matter does not directly indicate that thy girlfriend in turn should be okay with the same behavior from thee. Put simply, thou shalt not operate on a ‘tit-for-tat’ or ‘I did you a favor, now you owe me a favor’ mentality. That is for the outside world, and ideally, thy relationship takes a significant amount of its strength from the idea that it is the two of ye against the world.
  7. Similarly, thou shalt not perceive lying, betrayal or other negative behaviors as grave black/white, never-to-be-forgiven indicators that thy girlfriend has turned completely against thee. Furthermore, thou shalt never expect thy girlfriend to atone for offenses against thee or feel that she deserves to be treated badly because she has done something to insult thee. Such a mindset is the type of mindset a parent takes when dealing with her child; I the Lord Your Savior am the only One to which thou and thy girlfriend shall atone.
  8. Thou shalt not enter into a state of despair upon not being able to ‘solve’ or ‘figure out’ thy girlfriend’s emotional problems that she tells thee about. Most of the time, thy girlfriend prefers that thee simply is there for her, cares that she feels bad, and can empathize; so it is okay if thou does not have solutions all the time.
  9. Thou shalt not, in any case, treat thy girlfriend’s problems as ‘crimes’ against the relationship, for this will only alienate her and make her feel as if she cannot confide in thee, and thus must confide in someone else (perhaps a future suitor).
  10. Thou shalt probably just go with her to see her family if she wants thee to, even if it sucks ass and feels like a total waste of time. TC mark

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  • Lazyroar

    Wait, so, you are commanded to keep open communication with your girlfriend, but your girlfriend is allowed to lie and betray without without feeling what they did was reprehensible? Bull-shit. Both people in a relationship should be required to maintain the same standard of openness.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_FQBOL3ZHPHDYFGRD53EVFREV4A El puto

      I agree with you, but it isn't reality in the heterosexual world. if you want the same standards, try homosexuality.

      • Lazyroar

        The stupid… it burns…

  • kit

    Whipped.

  • Laura

    This is banal, brain dead crap.

  • http://brianmcelmurry.blogspot.com/ Brian McElmurry

    Funny and true. lol'd on 10

  • Mmeng84

    As a grown women, I have to say…WTF? This sounds like an earnest attempt at empathy, and making an effort is really the only thing that matters. I just think, this sounds like stuff you should learn when you're a kid. How do you even have good workplace morale if you can't a) figure out how you're feeling when so-and-so did such-and-such and b) deal with it in a calm non-reactionary way. If you're dealing with someone who's skilled at relating their emotions in a calm and concise way, that's half the battle. And learning how to figure out how you feel and explaining it (it's not a debate) is just this incredibly basic necessary ingredient for good relationships. This is why some stoic masculine ideal is retarded, it makes girlfriends pissed off and feel like mothers, and makes men behave like grown-up children.

    • shoehorn

      good… workplace… morale ?
      wrong generation

  • flawedsquares

    I'm pretty sure Biggie's 10 Crack Commandments are better relationship advice than this.

  • Katie

    All this guy does is talk about having a girlfriend.

    • Brandon scott gorrell

      perhaps you could take a look at my other 130+ articles on this website and then get back to me on your findings

      • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_FQBOL3ZHPHDYFGRD53EVFREV4A El puto

        My initial belief was that Katie's comment pertains to only this article and not any of your other 129+ articles. However, as of Sunday at 5:21pm CT, should one decide to click on the link/your name near the title, two out of your 10 most recently submitted articles (this one included) have the word 'girlfriend' in them, with both offering suggested rules and guidelines for success in said endeavors. Far cry from 'all' but she did pick up on some type of trend. No negative comments from me though – sure beats the hell out of ryan o'connell's shit. no offense of course. lol

      • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_FQBOL3ZHPHDYFGRD53EVFREV4A El puto

        And btw – I appreciate the comedic underlining in the majority of your contributions. lol

  • poob smoad attorney at law

    The problem with dating an asian is that #10 never ends

  • natural

    gay

  • TSF

    i'm enjoying all the devices you've found to repackage the same article, may i recommend “A Recipe For Having a Girlfriend” (add one cup emotional unavailability…) or “The Girlfriend Equation” (emotional unavailability + constant arguments = ?!?!?)

  • http://twitter.com/JosephErnest Joseph Ernest Harper

    I can relate to some of this. But I'm sure my girlfriend can too. Do you think, Brandon, this should be “The 10 Commandments For Having a Girlfriend/Boyfriend”? Like isn't it a bit 'off' to prescribe these only to 'chicks'?

  • Peterswersey

    Stop sucking.

  • angiephone

    Could we get some lesbian relationship advice? I would read the hell out of that.

  • Looknseas

    You should read John Barth's The End of the Road, bro, for a new perspective on relationships, maybe.

  • EmiliaBedelia

    Never make a girl feel like she has a check her emotions so as to cohere to masculine aloofness.

  • Catt

    >Thou shall throw the concept of ‘fairness’ out the door

    What? Excuse me? I had been okay with this list until that point, but… that's bullshit. One of the most important aspects of a strong relationship is fairness.

    • Brandon scott gorrell

      i don't think so.

      a romantic context to me means that favors should not be treated as favors; you do something for your girl/boyfriend because you love them, not because you 'owe' (fairness) them a favor

      one of the ideas of love that seems to be thrown around a lot is simply that you do things for someone selflessly, which, you know, means that basically you don't expect anything in return (expecting something in return would be a traditional/basic way of 'doing' fairness)

      i wouldn't necessarily want to be in a relationship where strict rules of fairness were imposed, seems like that would leave a lot less room for expressing your love for someone, because rather than being able to 'do something' for your partner you're actually just 'paying' for things in transactions like 'i did this, now you have to do this,' basically just exchanging one thing for another, just like you exchange money for food, your time/effort for money at a job

      if i wanted a completely fair relationship then i would just simply buy one, like i would buy a wife and make sure each service we offered each other was paid for one way or anything; that is what a truly 'fair' relationship would look like

      and that is why a relationship where things are governed according to some fair trade system where basically the both of you are keeping a mental tally sheet of who's done what for who and who is indebted to who seems undesirable to me

      what if you lived with your partner and s/he was sick with the flu and you guys needed milk, bread and eggs but you were the last one to go get milk, break and eggs and so it's his or her turn to get them, because that's fair, but your parter is so sick that s/he is going to get out of bed, what are you going to do

      are you going to make them go, because that's fair? what about for example if you never went down on your boy/girlfriend because you didn't like to but s/he liked to go down on you and so s/he did, would that be a fair situation? would you stop them because it wasn't fair?

      fairness is like an outside system that i think doesn't necessarily need to be imposed on a relationship. perhaps i should not have written that the entire concept of fairness should be thrown out the door, but then, i did qualify it.

      • brandon scott gorrell

        “s/he can't get out of bed”

        not “s/he is going to get out of bed”

      • Falconeer

        This is a weird argument, because its dealing with relative terms. My definition of love is different then yours; mine holds that when you love someone, you just do things, it doesnt matter if they pay you back. So, being in love means that both people are selfless to each other. This also requires a societal vacumn to function. I think I disagree with your idea of a fair relationship. Relationships need some sort of unspoken system. I know I do things and expect returns, but I never outright say it, because its just accepted between both of us; she does it too. Its just natural, because I know when I owe her something and I then pay her back. You seem to think a fairness system is one that is drafted up on the 4th date, with signatures, and a notary. Its just accepted in a relationship; we're human, we are all a little selfish. And because of that, we recognize others selfishness. The fairness system is just inherently understood.

      • Catt

        I do agree that an absolute tit-for-tat system isn't feasible in a relationship. But that doesn't mean that fairness isn't necessary. You say “what … if you never went down on your boy/girlfriend because you didn't like to but s/he liked to go down on you and so s/he did”. That doesn't apply here, because that's a matter of one partner enjoying something another partner doesn't. However, I would argue that it is important for both partners to do things the other partner enjoys. For example, if you didn't enjoy going down on your partner, you ought to find something else that you do enjoy doing that would pleasure your partner. Otherwise, at least in my eyes, you're being selfish, in that your justification for not pleasuring your partner is “I didn't want to”.

        In response to your argument about your partner having the flu, I would have to ask – what if you had the flu? Wouldn't you expect your partner to be willing to pick up the slack? And wouldn't they expect you to be willing to do the same? That's what I mean by fairness. Not an exchange of actions, or of favors, but a willingness to do things for your partner that you expect them to be willing to do for you.

        I suppose what I'm trying to say is that fairness is important – not absolute fairness, not tit-for-tat fairness, but a general feeling that your sacrifices for your partner are being reciprocated. You say that in a relationship “you do things for someone selflessly, which … means that basically you don't expect anything in return”. But that's just not true. Yes, it's romantic to say so, but if you were with someone who never did anything for you, would you really enjoy that relationship? A good relationship needs two partners who are both able and willing to give and take, not one or the other.

      • Brandon scott gorrell

        i agree with you for the most part. i think i meant 'absolute fairness' in my article, which is, unfortunately, something people sometimes expect in a relationship, and so i was addressing that definition of fairness. i think that in general people are happy if there is an equal cost/benefit ratio to the dynamic of their relationship, but i think this is something usually unconscious and not articulated. i think when 'absolute fairness' comes into play, things start feeling petty and wrong. i think cohree's comment touches on what i've just said as well.

      • Catt

        That I can understand. Thank you for clarifying.

  • MErtandMarcus

    Fuck this the woman is supposed to suffer and do it quietly.

    • Corhey

      You know, this guy has a point. I mean, what are women for?

  • http://www.facebook.com/gregpphoto Greg Petliski

    The One Commandment for Being Gay: Give Good Blowjobs.

  • http://www.smokingonanemptystomach.blogspot.com Jordan

    i enjoyed reading this and honestly 'found' some of it helpful, i think

    good job brandon

  • B. Shaksbeard

    “Thou” is not a third person pronoun, dude. Thus, “Thou is…” is grammatically incorrect. It's the early modern equivalent of saying, “You is…” (as in, “You is so educated. I ain't never met a man like you,” uttered whilst chewing tobacco dressed in cut-off overalls and a flannel bustier.”Thou art…” is what you were looking for). Also, learn the places of thou, thee, thy, and thine. It would have made this article not only more comprehensible, but a fun read. As it is, it doesn't completely make sense.

  • http://setoshino.wordpress.com Setoshino

    Reblogged this on The World Without Us.

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