Guidelines For Living With Your Girlfriend

Here are some of the least known – but most effective – guidelines for shacking up with your female other half.

Minimize eye contact. Yes. When living with your girlfriend it is important to establish mental boundaries to stymie emotional connectivity and feelings of passion. Minimizing eye contact with your girlfriend will effectively distance the both of you as well as create a sense of estrangement in which you both are likely to begin feeling as if you do not “know” each other anymore (like – she’ll say, with pleading, sad eyes, “I feel like I don’t even know you anymore. What’s happening to us?”) Minimizing eye contact further adds to feelings of suspicion and jealousy, especially when executed after nights out or unexplained three-day absences.

Tips:

  • Just when she enters the room, turn your back to her.
  • Conduct all conversation – which should also be minimized (see below) – on a couch that’s next to a window. Look out the window at all times, whether you’re being addressed or doing the addressing.
  • Alternatively, keep your laptop open and near at all times. Whenever she’s in the room, appear interested in something on the laptop screen.

Steer all conversation toward a situation where conversation isn’t happening anymore. Living with your girlfriend, it is important to keep communication to the bare, bare (barest) minimum. This will allow secrets to be kept, shame to develop, and an almost complete disregard for each other’s emotional needs to blossom. Moreover, avoiding conversation will slowly but surely drive a large wedge between the two of you and will result in the sort of long term ‘conditioning’ that is key to survival in any relationship that appears as if it’s setting itself up to be “for the long haul.”

Tips:

  • If the two of you are sitting on the couch, not knowing what to do but feeling like you have to do something, just suggest a mutually quiet activity, like using the internet on different laptops or reading.
  • Again, have your laptop open at all times. If a pause in your conversation occurs, quickly begin checking the internet. If she tries talking, hold up your hand. “Hold on,” you say. “I… got an email.”
  • If you guys need something from the store, always volunteer to be the one to get it, immediately. Walk to the store as slowly as possible, and be sure to have a long conversation with the store clerk.

Don’t cook/ clean/ maintain your apartment by default. Living with your girlfriend necessitates that your primary stance on every domestic responsibility is simply that it is not your responsibility. Your stance is sort of like a preemptive strike in the whole responsibility war – you preemptively remove even the possibility of any work on your part. This will not only stir up feelings of unfairness and exploitation, it will also effectively isolate your girlfriend as well as make her feel like the only reason she’s in the relationship is to cook for you and clean up after you.

Tips:

  • Reinforce the notion that you won’t be taking responsibility for anything by stating that it’s good she’s cleaning today – you’re going to play basketball with your friends. So, it’s, you know, convenient.
  • Leave dirty clothes, half eaten meals and trash strewn about your apartment.
  • Just act like you take it for granted (i.e. “You’re going to clean today, right? And can you do fried chicken for dinner? Thanks babe.”)

Use excessive movies and six-season long TV shows like LOST to fill the time you spend with her. This technique successfully combines minimizing eye contact and blocking communication while allowing you to maintain the innocent, harmless appearance of being interested in film or addicted to one of those shows with lots of plot twists. Those shows are pretty cool and so it also like, relieves boredom. Excessive film and TV will create a vacuous hole in the place of what used to be your relationship, as you previously used this time to talk about your feelings and cuddle. It will moreover make both of you less able to open up around each other and instead feel the ‘need’ to quell silence with media, creating a sort of 24/7 mental noise machine that effectively blocks all chances at introspection and emotional discovery.

Tips:

  • Download every season of LOST and just get her hooked on it, like a pimp does his whore. Drill new episodes into her head nightly. Pretty soon she’ll be begging for it.
  • Use Hulu, PBS.com, and other free streaming video websites.
  • Kill yourself. TC mark

Related

More From Thought Catalog

  • 27sandgranola

    Is it really inappropriate to send this to my parents who as of Monday are separated? Yes?

    • Brandon scott gorrell

      yes.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Kick-Start/100000820826715 Kick Start

      Or HOW TO KEEP YOUR BITCH IN CHECK– http://goo.gl/obiC

  • http://brianmcelmurry.blogspot.com/ Brian McElmurry

    Will do

  • https://twitter.com/#!/nvvmxac danne rassle

    congrats dude you took this to a whole new level

  • AaronWB

    Sounds like you need an SAHG.

    http://www.brokelyn.com/how-to

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    this is really helpful

  • Anon

    Cute. You should stick with satirical writing.

  • Guest

    Spot on and hilarious. Good job. You forgot: 'answer questions exclusively with one word answers' and 'don't shower' – two great additions.

  • Brittany

    i want to read the serious version of this, i need real tips yall

  • 2ci

    brandon…

    that lost bit was so fucking ace and true

    like really true

    brandon…….

  • maha

    brandon scott gorrell is cool.

  • nichole beattie

    awesome

  • Anonymous

    This really gives me some insight, as I'm preparing to move in with my girlfriend, thanks for the tips

  • 3w

    you guys are as@holes, satire writing or not

  • PERFECTCIRCLES

    Exposing someone to LOST, knowing how it ends, is as bad as physically or emotionally abusing them. Do not do this. But do everything else listed here.

  • http://thetangential.com Becky Lang

    insist on watching tv together all the time, in silence, so that you both also lose your individual lives and hobbies.

  • Jscreisen

    Another: leave the house without letting her know or saying where you're going. BTW, this all applies whatever age you are.

  • moemoe

    my boyfriend did every single thing on this list except the very last tip. damn.

    • Brandon scott gorrell

      have we… met before?

      • moemoe

        haha..
        but yea it's possible. seattle is small.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Kick-Start/100000820826715 Kick Start

    Or “How to keep your bitch in check” ://goo.gl/obiC

  • savagegirl

    More typical phallocentric bullshit. Again, out of some kid not smart enough yet to know that in life it's not getting stuck with somebody but being alone that is the nearly universal fear of most people as they age. Go ahead, treat every girl you live with like that..and decades later you will still be alone, just like the guy I lived with that treated me that way-something like seventeen years ago. For a long time I felt sorry for him, but when I heard he was referring to my partner as “that guy who stole my girlfriend” at least a decade later, after we were in it as a team for that decade, I realized that he was a controlling, selfish dickhead. I'm not saying you are, but you're certainly not funny.

    • Brandon scott gorrell

      regardless of whether you find me funny or not it seems you both recognize and refuse to recognize my intent of 'satire' with this piece, and so your comment confuses me.

      • savagegirl

        Perhaps I lack tolerence for 'satire' that mostly just looks like snarky misogyny. I see a stiffness in my response that indicates anger. Rereading your essay and two others that had me jacked to write you a pissy response, I looked more closely at your wording and postures. Here's my problem, I see precious little humor with a lot of ….well typical phallocentric bullshit.

      • Bobsaget

        What kind of sandwich is a phallocentric?

    • BD

      You need to take a shit and calm down. This is satire.

blog comments powered by Disqus