Five Ways To Be Incredibly Annoying in a Coffee Shop

1. Stare at your laptop and laugh loudly in a repeated manner for over ten minutes. Have your headphones on. Navigate your way to YouTube and start to laugh loudly with confidence, repeatedly, over an extended period of time. Forget the fact that you’re in public and make no efforts to hide your ape-like hooting. Remember you’re in public and glance to your left and right. Affirm that what you’re watching is indeed funny with those trying not to let on that they’re uncomfortable because they know you keep looking at them. Feel like they think it’s funny too, and that they approve of your laughter.

2. Come to the coffee shop with a group of six people or more and sit at two tables you’ve moved together and have a very loud group discussion. Coffee shops are the perfect place for your sober six to eight person gatherings that happen in the daytime, especially if you want to be annoying. Ensure that poignant jokes are made that cause your group to erupt in laughter so sharp it causes those enjoying coffee around you to jump in shock. To be the most annoying, make sure the tables you put together are in the very middle of the coffee shop, and make sure your collective noise is so loud that one can hear it outside the cafe.

3. “Rock out” animatedly to music no one can hear while using your laptop aggressively. Put your oversized headphones on, listen to Eminem, start up World of Warcraft, get in the “zone,” and begin to very enthusiastically bob your head to what everyone in the coffee shop assumes is probably death metal, Insane Clown Posse, or Eminem. Assume a “hard” facial expression. Continue for an extended period of time.

4. Be vaguely acquainted with someone, see them, say “hi” to them, then sit somewhere in their line of sight with your laptop and stay there for as long as they stay there. Better yet, sit at the table opposite them, so whenever they look up from their laptop, they see your face. It’s very important that you stay within their line of sight – otherwise they’ll be able to forget you’re there, to forget whatever uncomfortable memories they have of you that keep you at the distance of “vague acquaintance.” If you see them and don’t want to be annoying, just look away. They’ll return the favor. Take your cue and leave, otherwise both of you will be too distracted by trying to act like you haven’t noticed each other to get any work done.

5. Repeatedly glance at certain people in the coffee shop for what seems like no apparent reason. If you find yourself bored, pick a number of people to consistently glance at. Be sure to look away just as they notice that you keep looking at them. If you do make eye contact, however, it’s fine – you’ll be just as annoying. Both of you will be locked in this weird thing where sometimes you two look up at the same time and make eye contact, and it won’t stop until one of you leaves. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

I am the co-publisher of Thought Catalog. Follow me on Twitter. I also use a pen name called Holden Desalles.

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