Drowning is one of the scariest concepts to me. To reach up and up and up as you feel yourself running out of air. That was me and as I approached 30. I found myself succumbing to the waves, allowing them to take me over. I decided that maybe this was just my fate—thank God it wasn’t.
As I approached 30, I found myself drowning in loneliness. I had begun to isolate myself in bitterness, attempting to create distance so that I could soak in the loneliness. I jokingly told my friends to refer to me as Mara, the name Naomi told everyone to call her to symbolize her bitterness. I was setting myself up for a decade of lonely feelings as I went into my 30s still single.
Ten days before my 30th birthday, I decided to write down what I wanted for myself in my 30s. I wrote pages and pages of reflections about my 20s (good and bad) and hopes for the next decade. One recurring feeling that I identified from my 20s was romantic turmoil and disappointment. I had an expectation of lonely feelings in my 30s as my biological clock continues to tick and the dating pool becomes more and more shallow. As I wrote, I decided that alone would not be lonely for me. I changed my mind.
I made a decision that I would spend my 30s on the other side of lonely. I built a wall brick by brick separating me from loneliness. I sat with my back against that wall for days, grieving my permanent divorce from loneliness. The tears I cried after building that wall watered the ground on this new path. This is how I know there will be growth on the other side of lonely.
On the other side of lonely, I found the peace of knowing that no matter who I don’t have, I have myself.
On the other side of lonely, I found the freedom to move how I choose to.
On the other side of lonely, I found my creativity running wild waiting for me to show up.
On the other side of lonely, I found friendships full of romance (if you haven’t had romantic friendships, you’re missing out).
On the other side of lonely, I found confidence that requires no validation.
If you are alone, you don’t have to be lonely.
Breathe through that shit.
Write through that shit.
Talk through that shit.
Sing through that shit.
Dance through that shit.
Walk through that shit.
Go through that shit.
Grow through that shit.