It’s been a while.
Longer than I can even remember and a lot longer than I’d like to admit. Sometimes I lay awake at night and think about if things would be different if we still had the relationship we used to. Sometimes it breaks my heart that I don’t feel close to you and sometimes I don’t care at all. But you already know that. You’ve seen and felt the conflicting struggles I have with my faith every single day.
Truth is God, my heart is broken and tired. I know, I know, everything happens for a reason and I should have grasped that by now but it’s not sticking this time.
I’ve looked past the misfortune in my life too many times before and recent events are breaking me little by little. I feel like a water balloon that is one drop away from forcefully spilling its contents all around the surrounding area. Piece by piece these situations have bundled themselves in case packed tight – ready to explode with each new thing thrown at me.
I’m at an all time low.
I’m at the point where I’d rather give up on us. I’d rather turn away from you and go on with my life than struggle to keep from drowning in the everlasting flood of these always changing emotions. But then something catches me and makes me inch my way back. Right when I think I’m at a good point with you, boom, something crashes my way.
There’s always someone worse off than me – I get it. But unfortunately no matter how many times I tell myself this, my heart still aches with disappointment. I’ve poured out my heart and soul to you, begging you to answer my prayers. With every unanswered prayer I’ve slowly drifted away, sometimes with absolutely no intention to return. Lately I feel like it’s been more take than give on your part. I’ve given up on praying and asking for help because it always seems to end in disappointment.
I’m sorry for not trusting your way. I’m sorry I’ve been so selfish. I think about rekindling our relationship fairly often.
Occasionally something I read or hear sparks something inside me and gives me hope in our future. Don’t give up on me God. I’m trying my best to get through this rut and move on. I want to be back where I was with you – seeing all of the good things you’ve given me, not focusing on the misfortune.
It’s hard and I have failed many times before, but I have faith that one day I will put my trust in you again and let you heal my hurting heart.