You see, I needed to write it down. I needed to explain it. I needed to make an attempt to get you to understand the sheer disappointment and disgust and distrust that you’ve made me feel.
For some reason I thought you were above this. I thought I could rely on you. I thought that the level of our issues would never reach or surpass this point. How could the very person who made me feel alive again suddenly make me feel like I need to disappear? How could the person who fueled me with new confidence replace it all with self-doubt? With anger?
How could you cause me so much pain?
I never used to think about you with anybody else. Now I can’t stop. I’ve spent hours looking in the mirror, tracing over the lines that make up my own body, trying to find each and every flaw that you may have noticed and lingered on. I’ve replayed every intimate moment with you in my head, attempting to understand how I never picked up on your dissatisfaction. I’ve compared myself to every woman from your past, making sense of all of our differences. Making sense of why I didn’t take up enough space in your mind, even for a brief moment, to block out the need for another naked body. One you had already seen. I have cried over the simple fact that I’m me and not them.
Did you get that? I’ve grimaced, held myself tight, and sobbed uncontrollably because I am who I am and not someone else. Pathetic.
Betrayal can only be felt and experienced if trust was present, and therefore it is a loss. I lost. I lost the ability to trust you with my heart. I lost the illusion that things would never be this way for us. I lost the ability to feel comfortable in my own skin because mine wasn’t the only skin you wanted to see. I lost myself to the pieces of my consciousness that constantly began to remind me that I wasn’t attractive enough — that I wasn’t enough. Not in that moment. Not for you.
But I am enough for me. Your betrayal is still sweet, despite the bitterness of it all. It will teach me how to love myself again. It will remind me who I am and what I have accomplished. It will motivate me to be better, not different.
I forgive you. I forgive myself. But I will never forget.