Latest Posts

You Don’t Need Anything

The way I see it, every object you own is connected to you by a string like the house in ‘Up,’ and each string is tied to a fishhook embedded in your abdomen.

Download The Death Alert App

Every time anyone anywhere dies, your phone issues a bloodcurdling shriek, and the deceased’s name, age, and cause of death appears on your screen.

Why You Should Work From Home

You can complete your work, unencumbered by the psychic incursions of non-self animals, uninterrupted by the social compulsion to greet and discuss weather/traffic/Amanda Bynes.

Where Is My Cat?

How do other cat owners/companions allow their cats to roam the earth without supervision, knowing they could dive under a lawnmower after a cricket?

Break Up With Your Boyfriend Now Please

As our friendship escalates in intensity, I feel that I, being your borderline platonic/romantic companion, am obligated to advise you to terminate your relationship with the Anonymous Nobody Male.

My Most Expensive Date

When the waiter arrives, she orders soup, a Caribbean roll, a Ring of Fire roll, a spicy tuna roll, and a Dr. Pepper, and I frantically scan the menu, adding up the prices as she orders.

7 Dumbest Things People Buy

Once again, Corporate America tries to sell us on the notion you need a specific item to fulfill a given function when you can use practically anything soft to substitute for a pillow: a pile of grocery bags, pumpkin guts, leaves, even your own arm.

How To Be Healthy

To ensure a long and pleasant stay on this plane of existence, you must fastidiously maintain your organic machinery as a mechanic would an expensive European concept car.

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