Monologue Of A Willfully Malicious Landlord

*Based on real emails

To: Brad Pike
From: Property Management Company
Subject Line: Regarding Your Tenancy And Lease Violations

Recently, we received several complaints regarding parties and disturbances. These included loud music, shouting, and overcrowding the back porches; all typical behaviors associated with celebratory events in which multiple inebriated people gather (i.e., parties) as well as the more ominous and mysterious “disturbances” (i.e., paranormal activity). While we choose not to identify the complainant, a safe guess would be the grim faced family of four who chose to live in an apartment building filled with college students. You’ve seen them glaring from their minivan, warning their children away (“They don’t want to play with you, Terry,”), and glancing through your kitchen window with the horror of one who stares into a hellmouth.

But how, you ask, could they have complained when you so rarely throw parties and when you do, they’re quiet and indoors? Answer: these complaints were not actually directed at your apartment. We, your humble friends at “Property Management Company”, thought it best to formulate the most inflammatory, misleading subject line possible to get your attention.

As it turns out, the complainants couldn’t identify the exact apartment from which the noise originated, so we’re sending out this terrifying mass email to all of our tenants. Yes, every tenant in the building will get an email with the subject line “Regarding Your Tenancy and Lease Violations”. What a whirlwind of emotions you’re probably feeling: fear of imminent eviction, followed by confusion, followed by relief, followed by gratitude for your continued housing, followed by fury at being lied to by your landlord. We’re only halfway through this email, and you’ve already experienced all the twists and turns of an American Horror Story episode.

So now that we have your attention, we’d like to ask you to spy on your fellow tenants. If you hear a party in the building, don’t knock on the door and politely ask them to keep it down. That’s the response of an empathetic human being who understands we must all live on this same planet together, that any act resulting in increased suffering is to be avoided. Instead, grab a video camera and gather evidence regarding their lease violation. You know, like a crazy person. Go upstairs and film the partygoers while shouting, “VIOLATIONS OF GOD’S WILL! THEY RUB THEIR GREASY GENITALS ON YOUR CONTRACTUAL AGREEMENTS! SEND THESE GODLESS ANIMALS INTO THE STREET! UNLEASH YOUR WARRIOR ANGEL ARMY TO BURN THEIR SOULS TO ASH!”

Alternatively, you could call the police on your neighbors without warning. What a great idea, to stick these people you live near and make eye contact with on a daily basis with a $100 fine. And if we discover a noise complaint was reported, we will promptly issue a Notice of Termination of Tenancy, meaning they will be unexpectedly homeless. Wouldn’t that make you feel powerful? Wouldn’t that swell your guts with demonic energy? To cast someone out into the cold Chicago night, crafting such profound misery with so little effort? Mmm, sometimes, I evict people for no reason at all, just to feel something. One time, I set an apartment building on fire, then billed the tenants for damages. Honestly, I don’t care whether anyone lives or dies, not even my own husband.

Anyway, I’d also like to discuss the broken bathroom sink you’ve called us about 4-5 times. I believe twice now we sent over a repairman, who assures us he stared blankly at it, twisted the knobs, and rifled through his toolbox. So the matter, as far as we’re concerned, is concluded. Expect your faucet to continue gushing gallons and gallons of water down the drain for the next three to four months while somewhere an orphan Sudanese girl dies of thirst. I promise you she exists.

Furthermore, you’ve probably noticed the laundry machines no longer take coins. Instead, they require a $5 laundry card, which you can only load with cash (has to be cash) at our offices, which are only open from 9-5, which is the time when everyone is obviously working. Even if you do get here before our office closes, I’m going to pretend to be on the phone for 20 minutes. After that, I’ll say, “One second. I have to ask Bill what the password is,” and then I’ll go stand in an empty conference room until you leave.

We implemented this new card system because who cares; f—k you and your whole family; god is dead; the universe is chaos. Please be sure to photograph any wet clothes you have mildewing in the washing machine due to you forgot to load enough money on the card for the dryer. If you email me the photographs, I’ll gain greater status in the eyes of Satan, which would really help me out. Cindy in HR’s going to sacrifice her new baby on Friday, so I don’t want to fall too far behind IRT demon hierarchy.

Thank you for your cooperation,
Bathsheba Sherman
Property Management Company
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