If you’re a serious gamer like me, you’ve been following E3, the annual Electronic Entertainment Expo in LA, where game developers and publishers show off their next-gen games and hardware to thousands of journalists. And oh man, this one was particularly momentous, with new consoles on the horizon like the PS4 and the Xbox 1, and Sony, Microsoft, and Nintendo all vying for gamers’ interest. But what games stood out as the show favorites? Which ones will merit your 50-60 dollars and countless hours of playtime? I’ve played the games, and here are my picks:
Every year, EA puts out a Cookiesport game even more photorealistic than the last, but this one for the X-Box 1 is staggeringly gorgeous with mouthwatering cookie cars and, new to the series, brownie cars. You can drive a Chocolate Chip Cookie, an Oatmeal Raisin Cookie, or even the recently released Fried Double Chocolate Chip Fudge Cookie. Cookies crash in an explosion of crumbs and fudge, revealing an enhanced particle effects system for this next gen game. And unlike the much derided Cookiesport 4, the new control scheme feels like you’re really driving a cookie. Cookie Turismo, watch out!
Cookie Fantasy VXJ
The highly anticipated new installment to the hit RPG franchise promises a sprawling new story of Cookies versus Milk and introduces peanut butter chips, frosting, and butter to the upgrade system. Gamers at the Cookie Fantasy booth couldn’t stop upgrading their cookies with more damaging sprinkles, sweeter M&Ms, and crunchier almonds. Of course, as usual, the game ends after 200 hours when you feed your cookie to The Fat God who lives in the volcano to prevent the apocalypse, but some things never change.
Magical Cookie High School Love Forever Sim
At Cute Cookie High School, you can meet over 400 delicious cookies like Susan the Sassy Snicker Doodle, Brienne the Bitchy Biscotti, or Gretchen the Goddamned Animal Cracker. After giving them gifts (various types of cookies), the cookies will agree to go on a date with you. Answer their questions correctly (e.g., “Do you like cookies?”/ “No.” / “That is so mean. I don’t like you anymore.”) and, after a few dates, if you play your cards right, they’ll take you to their bedrooms. Where you eat them. Alive.
Cookie Kill Squad
Cookie Kill Squad puts you in the role of Sergeant Choco Chip, head of an elite squad of cookies, battling an invading army of godless alien vegetables. One of the main launch titles for the PS4, CKS features frenetic 1st person shooter action and is clearly designed to compete with X-Box 1’s Cookie Combat Force 6. Based on the demo I played, it’s clear CKS has surpassed CCF in both graphics and gameplay; these cookies are larger, tastier, and more appetizing than any of the cookies CCF has to offer. Your mouth will gush saliva by the gallon when you play this game.
Killer Cookie Fighter
Delectable Interactive has rebooted this classic arcade game from the early 90s with a graphics overhaul and a revamped control system, allowing cookies longer and more ferocious bite combos. Don’t worry; all your old favorites are back: Cavalluci, Macaroon, Chip, Nilla, and even the dreaded Gingerbread Man. They also revealed a few new characters including the quick and agile Teacake and the morbidly obese Wafer. Killer Cookie Fighter also adds weapons like gumdrops and frosting you can use while attempting to devour your opponent before he/she devours you. Don’t let your kids play, though. The ESRB rated the game Mature for violent content involving cookies.
Cookie Gear Soft: The Phantom Cookie
Hideo Cookiejima’s new game takes place 30 years after the previous installment, when Soft Cookie is old and tired of fighting. Just as he’s about to retire from DOUGH, the terrorist organization known as CARAMEL attacks Chicago with its army of Cookie Gears, giant robotic cookies, prompting Soft Cookie to put his retirement on hold. Cookiejima said to expect over 1400 hours of cutscenes with less than 30 minutes of actual gameplay.
Cookie World 3D
Everyone’s favorite game of E3, Cookie World 3D is a platformer in which you play as a cookie who lives on a giant cookie in space, surrounded by other giant cookies. As you jump from one giant cookie to other giant cookies, collecting smaller cookies, you earn more cookies to upgrade your cookie. If you upgrade your cookie by enough cookies, you can even add a cookie on top of your cookie. The more cookies you collect, the faster you open up more cookies for you to travel to and earn more cookies. But make sure to avoid enemy cookies who want to eat your cookie! The goal of the game is to rescue Princess Cookie from the Evil Cookie while preventing his army of cookies from eating all the cookies. Cookie.