Thanos’ OKCupid Profile
By Brad Pike
My self-summary
I am the Supreme Being in the universe and am incapable of error J. That’s really all you need to know, but I shall elaborate further. Being my mate would be the most significant achievement of your short, inconsequential life. Your inadequate human mind would be crushed by my ageless magnificence, as would your body because I’m colossal (not overweight, mind you, just physically voluminous, so don’t be a jerk about it, okay?).
I grew up on Titan, one of Saturn’s moons (seems unlikely when contemplating satellite photos of its barren surface, but it’s true). A nascent scientist, I vivisected countless hapless innocents, many of whom died during my experiments, which, I suppose, sounds bad. Full disclosure: I’ve committed genocide a couple times; I destroyed Rigel III as well as my home Titan, killing my own mother in the process. So I hope that’s not a deal breaker.
My Myers-Briggs is INTJ.
What I’m doing with my life
I’m attempting to achieve godhood, so that I might wipe out all life in the universe — for life is pollution, a stain on the universe’s beautiful, dead void. Hopefully, once I murder every living thing in existence, the female manifestation of Death might finally show me some affection. I’m also thinking about going back to grad school to get my PhD.
Things I’m really good at
All things, for I shall soon gain divinity, and then my abilities shall be limitless. Sports — I’ll be the best. Painting — I’ll be the best. Dancing — I’ll be the best. However, at this point, if I had to put something at the top of the list, it’d be mass murder. One time, I murdered half the universe with a snap of my fingers. I also bitchslapped Captain America to death because I’m Thanos the Mad Titan. I hope this knowledge engages your endocrine system for mating purposes, for my intention is to perform biological imperatives upon your person following a perfunctory series of encounters involving pasta.
The first things people usually notice about me
You’d really have to ask other people :P, but I’m a giant purple monster with arms like elephant legs and furrowed metal eyebrows/horns. My chin looks like your Earth prune or maybe a raisin LOL. When I enter the club, females will often note my prune chin with a disdainful gaze, and then I must vaporize them with my eye lasers. Only the blood and entrails of my enemies can scrub clean my tarnished ego.
Also my smile. People love my smile, for my teeth are large and white and glinting in a manner not at all ominous.
Sometimes people mistake me for someone named Rosie O’Donnell. I do not know this person, but, let me be clear, I am not her; I AM THANOS THE MAD TITAN.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Books: Atlas Shrugged, the Necronomicon, the Hunger Games.
Movies: Schindler’s List, Hotel Rwanda, The Last King of Scotland, Downfall.
Shows: Top Chef, Frisky Dingo, The O’Reilly Factor, Game of Thrones.
Music: Cannibal Corpse, Necrophagist, Mastodon, Slayer, Dark Tranquility
Food: Blood, Entrails, Pizza.
The six things I could never do without
Cosmic Cube
Infinity Gauntlet
The love of that hauntingly beautiful mistress Death (but not in a Goth way)
Power
Omnipotence
Total Supremacy
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Trying to kill myself. I desperately want to die, but Death is all like, “Get away from me, you creeper,” and I’m like, “Let it happen,” and she’s like, “Rape! Rape! Rape!” and then, before I know it, I’m waking up in a resurrection cocoon on a space station.
On a typical Friday night I am
Molding reality to suit my whim or battling The Avengers (if you call crushing puny ants a battle, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, MY WIT IS INFINITE AND UNPARALLELED). One time, I transformed Thor into glass, and then shattered the glass with my fist because I’m Thanos the Mad Titan, and that’s my prerogative.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
When Death spurned my advances, I used the power of the infinity gauntlet to fashion a hot female version of myself named Terraxia, and then I had sex with her. Admittedly, it was an all-powerful deity’s form of masturbation, a blow-up doll made flesh. BUT THANOS HAS NO SHAME AND WILL NOT APOLOGIZE FOR HIS INDISCRETIONS.
I’m looking for
Someone who’s a skeleton and wears a black cloak and is the female embodiment of death.
You should message me if
You don’t want to die in the imminent universal holocaust. AND YES, THAT IS A THREAT. I AM THANOS THE MAD TITAN, AND YOU WILL DIE IF YOU DO NOT DATE ME J.