I Have To Tell You How I Feel About Your iPad

Oh, I see you have an iPad. Reading a book on there, huh? Checking your emails? Playing Temple Run? That’s cool. Yeah, I don’t need one of those because I don’t subscribe to the hyperconsumerism pervading every aspect of American culture. I’m psychologically resistant to Apple’s ceaseless barrage of advertising. It’s just so unnecessary, you know, so superfluous to my daily life, and it’s like, hey, the Native Americans didn’t need iPads, so why should I? Ancient Sumerians managed to live perfectly happy lives without WiFi enabled tablets, carving cuneiform into stone tablets, harvesting crops, worshipping Enlil, lord of the ghost-land. Mayans didn’t need the Star Walk app to map the stars, devise their doomsday calendar, or rip the hearts from children offered up for sacrifice. Humanity has become so excessively reliant on technology — I mean, yeah, I have an iPhone obviously, but I could live without it. The iPad, on the other hand, is a symbol of Americans’ addiction to newer better gadgets, an embarrassing indicator of one’s suggestibility to advertising. Not you, though. I’m sure you really need it.

You’re looking away from me. Have I offended you? Just so you know, I’m not saying the iPad isn’t a great thing for you to have; I’m just saying, for me, it’s totally unnecessary and a waste of money. I’m sure you’re an investment banker or a business executive, someone who needs constant in-depth data updates on stocks and profits and — oh, you’re not? You’re a student. Ah. Well, what do I know, right? I’m just some guy sitting next to you at the airport.

The screen’s so bright, phosphorescent even. I can’t understand how you read books on there with that screen scorching your retinas for hours at a time. Seems like the radiation deluge passing through your forehead would eventually seed your temporal lobe with a hundred gooey white tumors. I hope in ten years, you don’t end up at a neuro-oncologist’s office — bald, emaciated, crying into your wife’s shoulder while the doctor looks away uncomfortably. Although based on the amount of light emitted by the screen, seems like a strong possibility. Seems highly likely. I’m no medical professional, though. Just thinking out loud.

I have a Kindle; cheaper, easier on the eyes, more compact. But it’s not for everybody, of course. Like I’m sure you think the iPad is a superior reading tablet even though I read an article in Consumer Reports about how the Kindle is much better for reading than the iPad. Then again, they’re just self-anointed “experts.” I guess they tested each device, compared and contrasted the reading experience, carefully evaluated the pros and cons, and then wrote up an analysis in favor of the Kindle, but that doesn’t preclude the notion that people can still prefer reading on the iPad. It’s whatever. You seem to like it.

I already own a laptop, so an iPad would be redundant. I see you have a laptop in your bag there — not that I’m snooping; just happened to notice it — and maybe you find the iPad fulfills some supplementary function, but it seems like a laptop, although slightly more cumbersome, compensates with greater capabilities. That’s just me, though.  That’s just my opinion.

People with iPads always want you to look at their iPads. ‘Hey! Look at me! I have an iPad, and am therefore a more significant human being than you! I’m in the 21st century, and you’re a sad relic of a bygone era! An anachronism! A vestigial individual! You should probably kill yourself because you don’t own an iPad! Kill yourself! Kill yourself! Kill yourself!’ That’s what iPad owners always say. They get up in your face, wave the iPad around, and tell you to kill yourself — not that you’re doing that; you’re a nice person who happens to own an iPad — and it’s like, okay, I get it, you have an iPad. Do you have to bring it out in public just to prove you’re better than me? People should keep their iPads in their bags and never bring them out because it’s obnoxious and condescending — not you, though; you’re fine. But whenever anyone uses an iPad in front of me, I want to snatch it out of their hands and run off with it. I want to steal their iPads. Stab them in their eye sockets and steal their iPads.

Actually, you know what? F-ck you. F-ck you for having an iPad, you piece of sh-t motherf-cker. I should have an iPad, not you. I should be the one watching Squid and the Whale on the airplane, reading a comic book on the train, and playing Angry Birds in the waiting room at the doctor’s office. People should never have things I want but don’t have. People should only have less than me because I’m me, no one else, just me. My consciousness lives in this body, and so I’m the one who matters most. All these meaningless non-me people should only have less than me because I don’t receive sensory input through their bodies, just my body, and it’s un-American that I shouldn’t have everything I want when I want it how I want it. I shouldn’t have to be perpetually slightly less than fulfilled my entire life. If I’m to continue existing on this planet, I need all the tools available to reach perfect contentment, complete satisfaction, or it’s not worth it to continue walking around, looking at things, acting like a person.

And so I need you to give me your iPad. Give it to me now. Don’t you look at the security guard because, I swear to God, I will plunge this car key into your eye socket, twist it around like I’m unclogging a drain, and laugh the whole — oh sh-t. Be cool, okay. My daughter’s back from Cinnabon. This conversation never happened, okay? TC mark

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image – Apple.com


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  • MP9090909

    Wow, sounds like a hyper-critical, jealous hipster. Thought Catalog, what is happening to your supposedly thought-provoking content?

    • elle

      the tag is ‘this is sarcastic’ dude

      • MP9090909

        I don’t read text smaller than 12 pt.

      • guest

        Sounds like your own problem.

      • Anonymous

        or subtext?

      • IffyI Huiht

        It’s not about the font size of the tag. You just don’t pick up on Obvious even when the last paragraph has completely reversed from the “critique”…

      • http://raymondthimmes.com/ Raymond Thimmes

        I just realized there are categories… and this is under “humor”

        lolz can I haz brain now?

  • Carly

    i agree with you but…. you have an iphone!!!!!!

  • http://twitter.com/jadika Jade Thompson

    I thought this was hilarious.

  • Kasi

    ^^I’m preeeeetty sure this is just bashing people who say they hate iPads, but just really want one… not someone who actually hates iPads.

  • Jaxx

    HA! That’s exactly how I felt. Until I got one. As a gift, though. I’d never spend that much money on one. 

    • http://www.facebook.com/sarah.n.knutson Sarah N. Knutson

       Does whoever gifted the iPad need a new friend/family member? Because I volunteer for that gig.

  • Adamcrittenden

    Haiku #?

    I thought I was better
    than this, but then I pulled out
    the flash drive from my asshole.

  • http://twitter.com/SoosSahar ..

    I fucking hate iPads… got one from a research I was doing and it just sits there on my disk with dust all over this bitch while I work on my (beloved) IBM piece of cowshit laptop… yep. 

    I do have an iPhone though, so maybe I should shuttup :P

    • annie

      yeah probly

  • Anonymous

    So, uh, you have a thing for hurting people through their eyes. Noted.

  • Anonymous

    iPads are just like Kitchenaid Stand Mixers.  Not exactly necessary and a total status symbol.  But of course, I wouldn’t turn one down if offered to me.

  • http://raymondthimmes.com/ Raymond Thimmes

    yeah!!!! kill ipad owners and their pretentious lives!

    Sent from my iPad

  • guest

    bitch bitch bitch boring

  • http://twitter.com/gyonis Ghassan Yonis

    Love it!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=292901677 Lauren M. Cevallos

    Hahaha, you sir have a similar pacing to my own inner dialogues.

  • Michaelwg

    Thank You! The first paragraph I was thinking “Oh look, someone denouncing Apple while probably owning 5 other competing products cuz their sooo, like, not into materialism” but as soon as you mentioned the iphone I figured it was satire. Well done.

  • Anonymous

    Read this on my iPad….

  • ana gaby matz

    I read it all in the Gretchen Wieners’ voice from Mean Girls

  • http://twitter.com/JonTargaryen Carly Fowler

    Of course I don’t need an ipad. But I wouldn’t mind jacking one before my daughter comes back from cinnabon. Didn’t really need the cinnabon, either. 

  • http://twitter.com/ca5eyjones Casey Jones

    This was fucking hilarious

  • ipad<3

    I feel bad, I almost want to give you $600 to get yourself one.

  • Iamdolt2000

    Kill yourself! Kill yourself! Kill yourself!

    Common Mac Euphemisms 101

    My R2 unit is from the Dagobah system, which is much more interesting than China, but also just as far away.

    One thing I do love about iPads is that they are always coming out with new versions, leaving the masses in the technological dust.

    Great article Pike nasty

  • ACH

    it drives me nuts when people who play draw something on their ipads brag about how gifted they are at it. drawing on an iphone keeps things interesting. 

  • CutterM

    I read this entire article in GLaDOS’ voice…

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  • http://www.facebook.com/seahistory Samantha Fritsky

    Hahahaha, brilliant.

  • Hilary

    ” People with iPads always want you to look at their iPads.”
    so right. also agree with you that if you have a mobile and a laptop, ipads are redundant

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