You Are Kissing The Wrong Mouth

I arrive back at the party to discover my girlfriend hugging some guy in the backyard, and it seems to me like an inappropriately passionate hug. Their faces approach each other on an impact trajectory. Eyes close. Hands grip waists. ‘Seems overly friendly to me,’ I think to myself. ‘Seems ominous.’

My friend Matt says, “Brad, we should leave. You don’t want to see this,” because he assumes we’ve already broken up, but, no sir, we have not.

“I want to witness this atrocity,” I say.

Their faces move closer, ever closer together — then moosh! Face mooshing!

“Hmm,” says Matt.

I stride up through the crowd and lean in close, maybe a couple inches away from ground zero of Ultimate Perfidy. Moist smacking, sucking, spitting noises, fingers running through hair — for the longest time, I hover there, eyes narrowed, hands on my hips, and I’m wondering how long will I stand here before they notice me? I survey the people around me, searching for some kind of validation that this is actually happening. Does anyone else see this? I am watching my girlfriend kiss this anonymous nobody male right in front of me. They are still kissing. Still kissing. The mind detaches from the situation, not because I’m so devastated, but because it’s too cinematic to be real, too much like a scene from a book.

Morbidly fascinated, I want to see how close I can get inside the smooch zone before my presence is detected. Then I go, “Hello! It’s me, your boyfriend!”

She looks up, and I gaze into the dead eyed stare of the chronic blackout drunk. “Hiiiiiiiii!” she says, and attempts to throw her arms around me.

I repel her lunge, and say, “No, we’re done, see? You just made out with some guy in front of me. So, like, that’s not good.”

Meanwhile, the anonymous nobody male sidesteps out of frame, lost to time and memory, though he needn’t have worried. By his dumbfounded expression, it’s clear he had never met my girlfriend before this moment and is therefore exempt from my ire. Most likely, he was as surprised as I was to have this lady all up in his mouth.

I begin to unload my moral outrage onto her while she stares blankly back like a television tuned to static. “How could you do this to me? Why would you do this? What were you thinking?” and many other questions are asked without any discernible response. Occasionally, she leans in to try and kiss me, but I recoil, saying, “No! Does not want!”

Although I can feign astonishment, all signs pointed to “potential two-timing harlot” from our earliest encounter. At a Halloween Party, she flitted up to me dressed as a fairy and, without a word of introduction, proceeded to suckle my neck flesh. Then she vanished into the crowd, leaving me thinking, ‘Wow, what a nice girl with lovely qualities. She must have a sparkling personality.’

On our first date, I drove up to discover her deep in discussion with a tall man on a bicycle.

“Who was that?” I asked when she got in the car.

“Oh, that was Darren. He kept me company while I was waiting for you. Gave me his phone number to hang out sometime.”

“How nice of him! What a friendly man!” I said in boisterous confusion/ fear.

At parties, I would often lose track of her, only to find her again, conversing with some anonymous nobody male. Often, in my opinion, the guy seemed focused on the conversation about bunnies or pancakes to a greater degree than the subject merited. Fortunately, I never get jealous; I comfort myself in the notion that any girl who consensually dates the pale terminal cancer patient/ concentration camp ghost has a peculiarly idiosyncratic taste in men only I can fulfill. Grown men who still get carded at the movies do not come around often. We are a rare and exotic breed like arctic tigers or white rhinos.

In the middle of my tirade about her inexcusable infidelity, she suddenly registers I’m yelling at her. She does not know why. She does not understand the content of my words. She only recognizes a vitriolic tone being directed at her, and that the tone initiates bad feelings, which she wishes to extinguish. So she shouts, “F-ck you! You don’t know! You don’t know anything! F-ck you!”

“No, this is wrong!” I say. “I’m the victim here, and you are the morally bankrupt person!”

“F-ck you! You’re such an asshole!”

“That doesn’t make sense! I’m the good person in this scenario!”

“F-ck you!”

After what seems like hours of this, I finally head home. The next morning, she calls me: “Hey, can you give me a ride to work?” It’s as though the previous night had never happened. Her tone is so nonchalant, I become suddenly certain the whole incident was a dream or a vivid hallucination.

“My dear, do you remember what happened last night?”

“No, what happened?”

“Oh sweet Jesus…”

“Is it something bad?”

I realize either she doesn’t remember any part of last night or she’s an extremely convincing liar. When I detail her crimes against humanity, she cries, apologizes profusely, and expresses horror at her behavior. Am I going to break up with her? Is this the end of our relationship? That would be the reaction of a reasonable person with self-respect and dignity. But I don’t want to break up with her, so I justify it like so: I wouldn’t punish Jason Bourne for the murders he committed before losing his memory. Neither would I punish Bucky Barnes for his time as the world renowned assassin Winter Soldier. They weren’t in their right minds; they were brainwashed by evil organizations to kill without remorse. Replace Treadstone/ the Soviet Union with alcohol (and whatever mysterious pills she may have taken in conjunction), and my girlfriend is no different. Plus, here’s something I can hold over her head forever for when we get into arguments.

My mistakes here are so great in volume, severity, and blatancy, I need not even bother spelling them out. In a bad relationship, reality can become a funhouse mirror of twisted logic and wacky rationalizations. I’d had my one chance to get off the train to Crazytown, and I wouldn’t get another. TC mark

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  • Antoine

    You are an idiot and your girlfriend is a whore

    • Anonymous

       You’re using the word “whore” wrong.

      • Raymond Thimmes


      • Apologize4nothing

        Easy to be judgmental over the Internet but listen to me, crazy women are the best in bed. They are usually vapid and self absorbed, do not fool yourself thinking she is spontaneous continue the relationship find another girl and sleep with her when you do not feel like masturbating trust me she will not know you have moved on. women hate the crazy girl because once she sobers up the wedding bells arrive in 3 months.

      • Anonymous

        You are a silly, silly person. 

    • JenniO

      Yea, his EX-gf is a whore, but he’s not an idiot. He was simply aiming to tell a story that anyone can relate to. Including myself. He acknowledged that she had issues, and that her overt flirting with others showed she had little respect for him as a partner. No, he’s not an idiot. He’s simply a human being that has probably grown and learned a shit ton from this experience. 

      • Antoine

        It doesn’t say in the article that it is his ex gf. A girl having issues is one thing, a girl who flirts with random dudes she meets in the street and makes out with equally as random dudes at parties is just a slut, that’s not an issue that’s just what she is. You don’t try to make a girlfriend out of a hoe you know what I’m saying? You say that he was grown and “learned” from this experience? How? By accepting the fact that she’s a whore and that he can use it as a blackmail device to win arguments in the future? okay.

      • Antoine

        also, nice tumblr lol

    • A-W

      Woah. Someone needs some neck suckling.

    • Asdf

      Hey, can you give me a ride to work?

  • Anonymous

    I’ve read and reread and I’m still not certain how you’re the victim. Decisions, you made them. Person with a wandering mouth, who she is.

    What’s wrong with that?

  • Robin

    At a Halloween Party, she flitted up to me dressed as a fairy and,
    without a word of introduction, proceeded to suckle my neck flesh. Then
    she vanished into the crowd, leaving me thinking, ‘Wow, what a nice girl
    with lovely qualities. She must have a sparkling personality.’

    LOL. It’s funny how the male brain will work at times.

  • peet

    you’re a goddamn idiot for still dating this girl. grow a spine, you deserve the existential hell you’re about to live through

  • Poly Ester

    this is hilarious. 

  • Anonymous

    I hope you have a good seatbelt for that ride.  And while you’re going through that hell, keep an eye out for your self-worth; maybe it’s around there somewhere.  Good luck with that.

  • Alexandria Adair

    I liked it

  • Danielle

    Well-written, good sir.

  • Trololo

    Is this the same girl featured in the terrifying breakup story?

    • Brad Pike


      • beatrice

        Ahh and life makes sense again

  • Anonymous

    I liked this. When you’re in the throes of a bad relationship, anything will make “sense.” It’s like being in a bad decision coma.

  • Kim

    I would love to know if she sees what you write. Ha! This is great. It’s never too late to get out. Oh, and girls who don’t lie can be just as good in bed, and are better at everything else. True story.

    • Tara


    • Raymond Thimmes

      true story

  • Rich Pulvino

    “Chronic blackout drunk.” 
    Get this girl some help.

  • Jennifer Sussex

    Can’t help but feel slightly concerned with her well-being as in, if she is drunk enough to make out with abject strangers, than hope u gave her a ride home. 

    • Jennifer Sussex


      • Jennifer Sussex

        forgive the atrocity of a typo, thought catalog.

    • J_Kitz

       She definitely sounds like she could be putting herself in danger. Hope she gets help in the future

  • Jess Hurst

    Lord, I don’t know which of you I feel m0re bad for.

  • Raymond Thimmes

    I like that you can admit you’re in a damning relationship but are still able to be with her. I’m not up to vindicating you just yet, I don’t know you, but I do love your style and I must say, I’d probably do the same.

  • Sophia

    “In a bad relationship, reality can become a funhouse mirror of twisted logic and wacky rationalizations.” Amen to that.

  • Sarah

    Brad, I say this out of love. The MPDG is not real. You may initially mistake someone for one, i.e. the fairy straight out of a Zooey movie who kissed your neck, but endearing quirkiness usually fades to does-not-have-her-shit-together and will-embarrass-you-in-public.

  • Anonymous

    Bourne and Bucky had those things done to them. She did this to herself. I would definitely dump her. Try to find someone that won’t surprise you at a party with her tongue in someone else’s mouth. Worse comes to worse you don’t find a nice girl and you know what?  there are still plenty of other slutty girls like this one you can hop back on. Win-Win situation

  • Krisss

    Might this be the same one  you slept with and broke up with post-coitas? You know the one…I believe she was running after you naked in the parking lot of her apartment building?

    ‘Cause I can totally see that.

  • Scott

    This has a really good title, yo.

  • karyn

    “No! Does not want!”

  • Jean

    Great article, I really enjoyed reading this. Also, great reminder of why I stay away from party girls that habitually forget the events of Friday and Saturday nights. 

  • Anonymous Hippo

    I heard that Bali is a nice place. 

  • Anonymous

    All I could think of was: “There will always be women in rubber flirting with me!!!” and then Brad singing a duet with Idina Menzel.

  • beatrice

    Then comes the constant delusion of how being in a relationship is still better than being single.

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