Drive Would Be Better With A Fat Ryan Gosling

*Spoiler alert*

Has anyone heard of this guy Ryan Gosling? He’s been in a few movies I think, kinda handsome or whatever, looks like he might cry at any moment like the mom from 7th Heaven. You know who I’m talking about? No? Okay well, the director of Drive wants to blow this man hard — with teeth even — and he dragged me along for the ride. This movie should’ve been called Ryan Gosling’s Vacant Stare. This movie should’ve been called Extended Nondescript 80’s Music Video. This movie should’ve been called Eye Rape Ryan Gosling For Two Hours (If That Appeals To You — or Don’t Cause I Mean, It’s Whatever). It felt like Lost in Translation had a three way with Collateral and Snatch — but a loveless apathetic three way in which none of the participants are really into it, but some creepy old guy paid to watch them, so they’re like, ‘Let’s just get this over with.’

That was a sort of harsh dismissive way to start a “review.” This movie has a 93% on Rotten Tomatoes, which disturbs me because it makes me feel like my reaction is incorrect or that I failed to view it in the right mindset. I want to be a part of the zeitgeist, I want to like good things, and honestly, I enjoyed a huge portion of the first half of the movie. The opening scene with its suspenseful slinking car chase reassured me that this would be a realistic tightly crafted action flick. Then it slowly devolved from a Pains of Being Pure of Heart music video into a gory pulp flick with close-ups of heads exploding, heads getting stamped to bits, and filleted arms spraying blood, and something about this tonal shift — the hyper stylized nature of it, the coldness, the emptiness, the pointlessness — caused me to recoil.

Ryan Gosling just doesn’t seem like the kind of guy who stamps on heads till they crack open like pumpkins. Even when Carrie Mulligan’s boyfriend confronts him about spending time with his girlfriend while he was in prison, he retains a dopy smile on his face; in fact, the camera locks onto his dopy smile for a disconcertingly long time. Even when he’s about to take a hammer to a guy’s jaw, there’s no trace of anger or concentration. His near muteness, his perpetually blank expression — it didn’t strike me as cool so much as dumb, like one of those austere hipster kids who seems mysterious but actually has nothing to say for his existence other than, “So what’s your major?” That’s probably an overreaction, but it seems true. Maybe I’m just jealously lashing out at Ryan Gosling due to bitterness/ loneliness/ out of control cynicism; it’s hard to tell.

Also, the women in this film have nothing to do other than look pretty. Carrie Mulligan exists solely to be coveted and defended chivalrously. Christina Hendricks exists (SPOILER ALERT) solely to be super fine before having her head blown off like a ravioli filled balloon. When Ryan Gosling calls to say, “I’m off to kill some gangsters. Probably won’t be coming back alive,” Carrie Mulligan stares vacantly into space and says, “Okay.” That’s all you have to say? “Okay”? How about, “Hey don’t do that. We can just go to the police, explain what’s happening, and get ourselves into witness protection,” or “Please don’t! I love you! Let’s run away together!” No, just, “Okay, I don’t have a single thought in my pretty little head other than a vague gloominess.”

To combat my growing indifference, I imagined Louis C.K. cast in place of Ryan Gosling, a middle-aged man who’s terrified of everything, confused by the plot holes, wondering why Albert Brooks won’t just take the million dollars and leave him alone — I mean, he keeps trying to give them the money, and they keep trying to kill him for the money. It’s nonsense. Louis C.K. would’ve acknowledged this; he would’ve called Albert Brooks and said, “Look, just take the money and leave me alone. I mean, if you’re going to try and kill me even if I give you the money — and why would you risk that after I killed like five people — I’ll just dump it all off the balcony of a football stadium while yelling ‘Make it rain!’ because f–k you, man.” Casting Louis C.K. would also lend the romance a more poignant tragic quality because, of course, Carrie Mulligan would have no attraction to a middle-aged comedian who spends ten minutes describing his balls. After all, I don’t think there’s anything particularly surprising or interesting about two attractive people hooking up, although if you can place yourself vicariously in the position of either Carrie Mulligan or Ryan Gosling, which I can’t, I’m sure it’s comforting in a fluffy sugar-sweet way like a bowl of warm marshmallows on a cold night.

Then I imagined a fat Ryan Gosling driving a smart car with a concentrated facial expression, fat Ryan Gosling smiling creepily at Carrie Mulligan, fat Ryan Gosling shooting guns and stomping on people’s heads, fat Ryan Gosling trying in vain to fit a mask over his enormous head, fat Ryan Gosling wearing skinny Ryan Gosling’s much too small scorpion jacket, fat Ryan Gosling ranting in Alfred Hitchcock voice at Walter White, fat Ryan Gosling chasing after Albert Brooks, getting winded, sitting down, laying down, taking a nap on the beach, roll credits. It was perfect.

In conclusion, Drive left me feeling dismayed and disheartened, but worst of all: it caused me to contribute to the gallons of (virtual) ink already spilled in regards to the man-god Ryan Gosling. It had to happen sooner or later I suppose. Might as well get it out of my system now. TC mark

image – Drive

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  • Anna

    “Maybe I’m just jealously lashing out at Ryan Gosling due to bitterness/ loneliness/ out of control cynicism; it’s hard to tell.”
    You are. 

    And that’s where I stopped reading. 

  • Anna

    “Maybe I’m just jealously lashing out at Ryan Gosling due to bitterness/ loneliness/ out of control cynicism; it’s hard to tell.”
    You are. 

    And that’s where I stopped reading. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/judegitamondoc Jude Gitamondoc

    You’re spot-on right about one thing. This: “…it makes me feel like my reaction is incorrect or that I failed to view it in the right mindset.”

    And that’s where I stopped reading, too. :)

  • http://twitter.com/randi_beers randi beers

    if you’re generally jealous of ryan gosling, you probably shouldn’t be reviewing this movie. it’d be like me writing “black swan would be way better with fat natalie portman.” sure, it’d be funnier, but, what?

    i’m also afraid that your plot holes aren’t plot holes. why wouldn’t ryan gosling go to the police? because obviously, if he appeared out of nowhere, is a preternaturally and dangerously good driver and has the emotional and psychological capacity to not just kill, but mulch an enemy to the pulp, he’s probably running from something. but that’s just a guess.

    albert brooks is an earth-walking monster. gosling and albert brooks are two sides of the same coin: ruthless and willing to kill anybody whom they perceive to be a threat. this is why they they can live the dangerous lives they lead and still be alive.

    and drive isn’t a feminist movie, but it isn’t necessarily misogynistic, either. gosling doesn’t actually say, verbatim, to carey mulligan: “yo, i’m going to go out and kill some gangstas! see you never! peace!” and mulligan doesn’t reply with, “okay?” i’m pretty sure (although i’ve only seen the movie a couple times, so don’t (attempt, haha) to quote me on this, gosling actually doesn’t say anything to mulligan about his plans, and has to attempt to explain everything after shit has hit the fan. then he stomps that guys head in in front of her and, well, that pretty much kills their relationship. because she is a smart, resilient woman and is able to reason, “dude’s hot, but dude C to the RAZY! Peace.”

    in conclusion, i’m sorry the fact that you are jealous of ryan gosling (i get it! he’s hot!) and that it ruined your experience with, actually, a fantastic, stylistic, and complex movie. and we’re all pretty sure gosling is a good actor. that’s just fact. van gogh? he could paint a mean chair. gosling? he’s somewhat of a chameleon. i mean, did you even SEE the creepy jack nicholson shining face he makes after he kills the two men with semi-automatic weapons? holy frijoles. it’s creepy! and gosling is a good actor! let him have his day in the sun!

    ps. louis c.k. should totally remake driver. i would pay to see that. dear hollywood, if you’re listening: that’s what i want for christmas next year. thanks!

    • http://www.facebook.com/brad.pike Brad Pike

      -“Jealous” probably wasn’t le mot juste for my feelings concerning Ryan Gosling. I think I just got sick of hearing about his face, looking at his face, writing sentences about his face, etc.

      -I absolutely would see the fat Natalie Portman version of Black Swan.

      -I didn’t say it was misogynistic. I just think if you put Carey Mulligan and Christina Hendricks in your movie, give them something to do.

    • http://www.facebook.com/brad.pike Brad Pike

      -“Jealous” probably wasn’t le mot juste for my feelings concerning Ryan Gosling. I think I just got sick of hearing about his face, looking at his face, writing sentences about his face, etc.

      -I absolutely would see the fat Natalie Portman version of Black Swan.

      -I didn’t say it was misogynistic. I just think if you put Carey Mulligan and Christina Hendricks in your movie, give them something to do.

    • http://www.facebook.com/brad.pike Brad Pike

      -“Jealous” probably wasn’t le mot juste for my feelings concerning Ryan Gosling. I think I just got sick of hearing about his face, looking at his face, writing sentences about his face, etc.

      -I absolutely would see the fat Natalie Portman version of Black Swan.

      -I didn’t say it was misogynistic. I just think if you put Carey Mulligan and Christina Hendricks in your movie, give them something to do.

    • http://www.facebook.com/brad.pike Brad Pike

      -“Jealous” probably wasn’t le mot juste for my feelings concerning Ryan Gosling. I think I just got sick of hearing about his face, looking at his face, writing sentences about his face, etc.

      -I absolutely would see the fat Natalie Portman version of Black Swan.

      -I didn’t say it was misogynistic. I just think if you put Carey Mulligan and Christina Hendricks in your movie, give them something to do.

    • Na

      I like you a whole lot.

    • Na

      I like you a whole lot.

    • Na

      I like you a whole lot.

    • Na

      I like you a whole lot.

    • Na

      I like you a whole lot.

  • Lowkneel

    drive was the single most boring gratuitously violent action movie ever made. b-roll late-eighties miami vice music video credits, a fake relationship created out of glances and synth tones. carrie mulligan was the worst possible choice for that role- and i like her- but if you’re not going to write any dialogue anyway might as well cast someone who at least looks the part, not just the twee it girl of the moment.  if her bosom heaved any harder i think she would have propelled herself off screen. albert brooks’s boss/partner was maybe the ugliest person i’ve ever seen! his face was super distracting. and bookending with the song “a real human being and a real hero” doesn’t make your undeveloped character one.

    • lisa

      not to beat a dead horse, but zero dialogue doesnt make your movie edgy avant garde cinema. street toughs from LA doesnt make your movie gritty. i get the “unnamed driver” thing but it doesnt distract from the fact that not a single one of the characters was developed in any real way at all. clips of actors making awkward eyes at eachother set to a score is not oscar bait. it’s a way to not hire a screenwriter and pull a “Springtime for Hitler” over on us all 

      • https://twitter.com/iamthepuddles Jordana Bevan

        tell that to twilight :(

      • https://twitter.com/iamthepuddles Jordana Bevan

        tell that to twilight :(

      • https://twitter.com/iamthepuddles Jordana Bevan

        tell that to twilight :(

    • Na

      Okay, I laughed at the bit about Carey’s bosom, but the rest of this comment (your opinion) is irrelevant. Pointing out someone’s ugly face just because? Please do not review movies. 

      Oh, and I accidentally liked your comment when I meant to hit reply.

  • https://twitter.com/iamthepuddles Jordana Bevan

    I STOPPED READING AT THE END BECAUSE I’M NOT AN ASSHOLE THAT DISRESPECTS ANYONE WHO DISAGREES WITH ME.

    I mean, it’s kind of a good (and ohmygod violent) movie, but we should all be honest here and accept that if the plot was entirely the same (so none of Brad’s delightful “so fat he can’t catch the bad guys” alterations) but Mizter Gosling was indeed fat, we’d hate it — or it would indeedy be better.

  • http://twitter.com/2lost2survive JCramps

    Brad,  I respect your opinion and enjoy reading most of your articles, but your ideas on bettering the film make me want to jump off a cliff. Or push you off of one, I’m not sure.

    • http://www.facebook.com/brad.pike Brad Pike

      Hey don’t. Don’t do either one of those things.

    • http://www.facebook.com/brad.pike Brad Pike

      Hey don’t. Don’t do either one of those things.

    • http://www.facebook.com/brad.pike Brad Pike

      Hey don’t. Don’t do either one of those things.

    • http://www.facebook.com/brad.pike Brad Pike

      Hey don’t. Don’t do either one of those things.

  • Your secret admirer

    Brad,
    Hi. Can I marry you? Can I foster your sperm in my egg and give birth to our child? Is this remotely creepy or awkward? Sorry, but not realllllyyyy.

    • http://www.facebook.com/brad.pike Brad Pike

      You can do all of those things.

  • AnotherCreep

    I’m jealous of Ryan Gosling because Brad Pike wrote about him.

  • AnotherCreep

    I’m jealous of Ryan Gosling because Brad Pike wrote about him.

  • AnotherCreep

    I’m jealous of Ryan Gosling because Brad Pike wrote about him.

  • AnotherCreep

    I’m jealous of Ryan Gosling because Brad Pike wrote about him.

  • AnotherCreep

    I’m jealous of Ryan Gosling because Brad Pike wrote about him.

  • http://rayguntest.tumblr.com Raegan

    I thought this was hilarious AND I loved the movie. Well…Ok I thought it was really funny until the last paragraph

  • You sadden me Brad

    Brad, it seems like you had something else in mind before seeing ‘Drive’ and it upset you because it didn’t turn into what you’d wanted it to be. 

    I knew nothing of the movie and enjoy the ethereal feel to it. You’re right tho, it did play out like a music video but I just thought that had more to do w/ how the music carried the movie and not the other way around. 

    All around I’d give it an A. Sure I enjoy Gosling (liked him more in Ides of March) but I think the way you described his character (What’s your major?) is half true. It did seem like he wasn’t really a fully mature individual, but I thought that’s what added to his character. It made me believe that he was capable of all those things because he was a muted sort of kid. 

    I would highly recommend this movie to anyone who watches it. Very ethereal, calm pace, and great music to accompany the mood in all scenes. 

    Sorry Brad, you just lost a reader.

  • You sadden me Brad

    Brad, it seems like you had something else in mind before seeing ‘Drive’ and it upset you because it didn’t turn into what you’d wanted it to be. 

    I knew nothing of the movie and enjoy the ethereal feel to it. You’re right tho, it did play out like a music video but I just thought that had more to do w/ how the music carried the movie and not the other way around. 

    All around I’d give it an A. Sure I enjoy Gosling (liked him more in Ides of March) but I think the way you described his character (What’s your major?) is half true. It did seem like he wasn’t really a fully mature individual, but I thought that’s what added to his character. It made me believe that he was capable of all those things because he was a muted sort of kid. 

    I would highly recommend this movie to anyone who watches it. Very ethereal, calm pace, and great music to accompany the mood in all scenes. 

    Sorry Brad, you just lost a reader.

    • http://twitter.com/no_cazador hunter ray

      He lost a reader because you don’t agree with one movie review? Really?

    • http://www.facebook.com/brad.pike Brad Pike

      I’d like to think my “review” conveyed that I’m a minority opinion, that most people will probably enjoy this movie, and that my ability to compose a scholarly analysis of a film is extremely limited.

  • bro

    real talk halfway through this article i got bored, opened a new window, and began masturbating to internet pornography

    • http://www.facebook.com/brad.pike Brad Pike

      I’m gonna be honest: nothing I write will ever make you as happy as masturbating to internet pornography, so you can stop now.

  • Guest

    ***Carey Mulligan

  • LS

    brad pike has a superficial thought about something and he wants YOU to know about it

    for actual drive commentary, plz see: htmlgiant

    • http://www.facebook.com/brad.pike Brad Pike

      If my life were a movie, that would be the tagline.

  • LS

    brad pike has a superficial thought about something and he wants YOU to know about it

    for actual drive commentary, plz see: htmlgiant

  • LS

    brad pike has a superficial thought about something and he wants YOU to know about it

    for actual drive commentary, plz see: htmlgiant

  • LS

    brad pike has a superficial thought about something and he wants YOU to know about it

    for actual drive commentary, plz see: htmlgiant

  • Keltydennis

    “Noooooooooooo not another article about Ryan Gosling noooooooooooo” was my initial reaction to this. But I read it anyway because it’s by Brad Pike. However much I hate movies in which looking at pretty people is one of the main plot lines, it’s not constructive to say Louis C.K. would make it better because Louis C.K. Would make almost every movie better.

  • Ian

    I really liked Drive, but still found this hilarious.

  • http://twitter.com/benhRjr ben Raifsnider, jr.

    i haven’t seen Drive yet, so i have no opinion about the movie but i do think that every action movie ever made should be REmade starring Louis C.K.

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