Cat President

First, cats start talking. Subsequent investigations reveal that the scientists we trusted to accurately evaluate the feline brain were bribed or threatened by cats to produce assessments indicating IQs lower even than dogs—a plan designed to manipulate our craving for petting induced oxytocin in order to achieve a lifetime of easy food, comfort, and safety. This changed after an underground movement among cat society toward a more active role in global affairs reached a fever pitch. At this point, cats begin campaigning for their civil rights as self-aware, cognitively commensurate American citizens. New studies reveal that cats can stand on two legs indefinitely, produce vocalizations roughly equivalent to humans, and actually enjoy wearing clothes, particularly Italian knit sweater vests.

Caught between sentimental affection and fearful confusion, Americans—and the rest of the world—struggle to cope with these revelations. A Newsweek poll indicates 60% of people find cats even more adorable than before while the other 40% are dramatically more leery. Cat activists describe this latter reaction as a subtle form of interspecies racism, drawing comparisons to the Nazis and the Ku Klux Klan. Later, a prominent U.S. senator is found filleted like a fish in his upstairs bathroom after making inflammatory anti-cat statements on Fox News. Controversy erupts as news pundits and commentators attempt to discern where cats fit into American society or whether such untrustworthy nonhumans belong here at all.

Meanwhile, cats begin constructing a system of plush dormitories connected by plastic Discovery Zone style tubes, a network interweaving through our own human neighborhoods in an unobtrusive and yet unsettling way. A bill restricting cat habitation to certain specific zones is introduced, debated, and ultimately thrown out by congress for fear of violent reprisal. The CIA devises response strategies should cats attempt an armed overthrow of the U.S. government, but can see no practical way of overcoming their superior stealth, speed, and cunning.

Cats begin raising mice as livestock and building the infrastructure necessary for aquaculture. For the first time, formerly domesticated cats use miniature toilets or, if nostalgia overcomes practicality, a Cat Genie litter box. Their population explodes with no one to neuter or spay them, and unchecked sexual appetites spill out into the streets. Hateful lovemaking fills quiet neighborhoods with agonized hissing and shrieks long into the night—and no cop would dare issue a noise citation for fear his family would be found eviscerated and soaked in cat piss.

Nevertheless, many communities welcome the cats, seeing them as adorable hardworking peers, even volunteering to help construct recreational centers (buildings designed to look like Rubik’s cubes and filled with cardboard boxes, soda can tabs, and houseflies), clean litter boxes, and operate Psychological Wellness Centers where human volunteers pet cats for an hour or two at a time to dispel “deep feelings of existential despair and/or malice.” They also build View Rooms, glass cubes suspended over busy highways between two plastic access tubes where cats can peer down on the activity in haughty judgment of all mankind. These humans are known to cat society as “familiars.”

Just as presidential elections ramp up, congress passes the 28th amendment to the constitution, granting cats American citizenship and equality under the law. To everyone’s surprise, a cat named Murphy Brown catapults to the forefront of the Democratic primary thanks in large part to write-ins from fellow cats and old spinster ladies. Murphy Brown’s platform strongly emphasizes naps, laps, snacks, and campaign finance reform. He speaks of the need for cooperation between humans and cats—particularly as 18-hour sleep schedules have slowed cat progress to a crawl. He also speaks of a desire for equality, an abandonment of the overt racism in employment restrictions like minimum height and maximum fur limits. He’s the smartest president America had ever seen although it’s sometimes hard to tell as he occasionally slips into cat-speak and begins meowing for several minutes before transitioning back into English.

It’s a landslide victory for Murphy Brown. A cynical nation weary of the same old human candidates sees Murphy Brown as a symbol of hope for a better tomorrow. His first speech as President of the United States revolves around reduction of greenhouse gases, repairing America’s decaying infrastructure, a constitutional amendment legalizing gay marriage, and publicly funded head-rub services. But then, in the middle of his speech, Murphy Brown scampers off the podium into the audience after a speck of light reflected by a news camera lens. As the camera moves, the speck moves, sending the newly elected president scurrying about the crowd in a matter unbecoming a leader of the free world. Political commentators are quick to question whether a president so distracted by a speck of light can stay focused on the hard issues. The internet explodes with new memes depicting the president’s lapse in decorum. #catpresidentmakesmelol is a trending topic for weeks afterward.

Fortunately, over the following six months, Murphy Brown institutes nearly all his promised policies. Cat accessible toilets are installed in every public bathroom. Grocery stores rename the pet food aisle “Feline Necessities” and move the dog food two aisles over. One room in every office is converted—by Federal law, mind you—into a nap room where employees can take twenty minute naps as necessary. Clothing sizes come in large, medium, small, cat, and baby kitten. Everyone is required to pet a cat once per day, but not too much. Those who pet cats too hard or too frequently receive a $200 citation for heavy petting.

In time, Murphy Brown ushers in an American renaissance, the most economically prosperous and artistically productive time in the nation’s history. History books refer to him as the greatest president ever—and the only president who publicly licked his genitals during speeches. TC mark

image – Chris Erwin

More From Thought Catalog

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  • Tony Robbins

    found n0 mention in a search of  the phrase ‘President Cat’. did not read.

  • Ricco Suave

    Fucking horrible. Absolutely. Maybe I’m not high enough for this or something, but GOT DAMN. This got published? 

  • http://twitter.com/faheimm Marina Faheim

    brad pike, i love you.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    found nothing about ‘thumbs’

    • http://www.facebook.com/brad.pike Brad Pike

      Shit! None of this makes any sense if I don’t mention how they did things without thumbs! No wonder Ricco Suave thought the article was retarded!

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

        I don’t read anyone’s comments aside from mine and replies to mine, so you’re good. Just kidding, he’s a douche.

      • rose georgia

        it’s okay guys, cats already have thumbs

  • SusanDerkins

    But for real though. 

  • http://twitter.com/straponheart Evan Hatch

    shit’s wack yo

  • http://hereisafantasy.com Here is a Fantasy

    I’d be in the 60% of people who find cats even more adorable than before. 

  • Ricco Suave

    easily one of the worst articles I’ve ever read. TC is scraping the bottom of the barrel for entries I see… either that or everyones high at the office today and thought it’d be HILARIOUS to publish a retarded article about a cat President. 

    • http://www.facebook.com/brad.pike Brad Pike

      I have ten more articles like this lined up: “Cat Teacher”, “Cat CFO”, “Cat Doctor”, “Cat Fireman”…so no, I haven’t scraped the bottom of the barrel yet. The bottom of the barrel is “Cat Graphic Designer”.

      • Ricco Suave

        No, Brad. You missed the point (or are deliberately playing a different angle to avoid the point) that you as a writer are the bottom of the barrel for Thought Catalog. I guess ‘cat-lovers’ might have taken this article with a little more humor in mind, but I for one dislike house cats. Maybe that’s the root of the problem, maybe it’s the fact that you just shit this poor little mess of words out and TC picked it up and served it. (via the proverbial dinner table we TC readers sit around)

      • RICCO

        Also, way to cover your back by tagging ‘J/K’! This was your labor of love, admit it.

      • http://www.facebook.com/brad.pike Brad Pike

        They made an ABC Family movie about you and me: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5G_nssxPfAs&feature=related

      • RICCO SUAVE

        It’s been nice talking with you, Brad. I would also like to make an attack on your personality and your Texan self but I just don’t want to waste any more precious time. Submitting Dog President article to the Tangential. IN YOUR FACE DOUCHE!

      • http://www.facebook.com/brad.pike Brad Pike

        They talked about your disorder on NPR the other day: http://judykat.com/ken-judy/tag/online-disinhibition-effect/

      • RICCO SUAVE

        Ah, so you have hurt feelings because an anonymous commenter is berating your shitty article? I mean, I’m anonymous. I could be your dad. He probably thinks your writing sucks too (or at least the subject matter). Do you do this for a living? Didn’t mean to insult your livelihood, son.

      • nicole

        Ricco Suave is a douche. Glad you can be the bigger person, Brad. Clearly this kid has issues…
        Your articles are hilarious :)

    • http://twitter.com/mung_beans 371747

      *Rico Suave

  • Guest

    absolutely positively 100% without a shadow of a doubt, this is genius. there are no words, just laughter and heavy nodding in agreement

  • Georgia Wiggs

    This was utterly entertaining! I often amuse myself with thoughts of a world like this. So thank you very much for writing them down :)

  • Lisapk64

    Oh lighten up Rico! It was a nice article well written! Sometimes we need to step away from life a bit and enjoy a great fictional laugh! It was adorable and just what I needed in this moment in my life! Brad your great I loved this a lot so thank you for writing it and thank you TC for publishing it! Smiles Lisa.

  • stef

    I read this article giggling hysterically whilst peering over at my own cat with an increasingly growing sense of suspicion and malaise.

  • Fuck Ricco Suave.

    Love this! Genius. 

  • al

    just so amazing. 

  • Guest

    i book-marked this article. its great.

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