The Sun Is A Fat Yellow Asshole

Here in Texas, the Sun has turned into a morally bankrupt psychopath, and it wants to kill us and our families. All the cities around me are breaking records for 100-degree consecutive days. Wichita Falls is up to 52 days (previous record of 42), Tyler’s up to 47 days (previous record of 20 days), and Waco has 43 days (previous record of 42). The other day, I saw Diane Sawyer talking about the heat wave, and she described a heat dome—which sounds like an alien doomsday device—trapping a huge portion of the U.S. in a sort of pressure cooker. She then pointed to a diagram of the dome, and, sure enough, there was north Texas right in the fucking middle. Her smug expression seemed to say, ‘Thank God I’m not right there where I’m pointing with those cowboy redneck losers.’ Fucking Diane Sawyer.

The high temperatures are causing the ground to dry and crack open like the movie 2012, with deep fissures running through streets, houses, and water pipes. Utility companies are reporting four times the normal number of water pipe leaks for summer, and some cities like Kemper, Texas face serious water shortages. Kemper, home to 1150 thirsty people, had to shut off water service entirely for two days after 14 major water line breaks emptied its water towers. In Robert Lee, the town’s reservoir is down to 1%, which means if the drought continues through March, the National Guard will have to truck in water from, um, who knows where—all the towns within 40 miles are also running low on water. The nearest operating car wash is 32 miles away in San Angelo. Robert Lee’s on phase 3 water restrictions which means there’s no outdoor watering whatsoever and officials encourage families to find multiple uses for bathwater.

Since Texas has an inordinately high number of people with, shall we say, poor decision making skills (cough—Rick Perry—cough), this means, from 1998 to 2011, we’ve had more children left in cars to burn alive than any other state—71. The next highest is Florida with 56. Kids aren’t the only victims; over in Parker County, nine horses died of thirst when left without water for several days. An elderly woman in Dallas died of heat stroke after her AC unit was stolen and she couldn’t afford to replace it. In my own town of Plano, a football coach keeled over and died during practice.

Taken together, how does one interpret this information? Well, I will tell you: the sun seeks to murder us and reduce the amount of cumulative global happiness. The outdoors has become, for all intents and purposes, an uninhabitable wasteland. The only reason to be outdoors is because you’re traversing to another indoor facility. Pools, water parks, and lakes, previously an unfailing refuge from the heat, are boiling like hot tubs. Hawaiian Falls, a water park in The Colony, dumped one ton (more than 2,000 pounds) of ice into their wave pool in a desperate attempt to bring in attendance. Sooner or later though, that ice will melt, heat up, and boil again; then they’ll need another ton of ice.

If it were up to me, the federal government would begin investing in a complex network of underground tunnels, connecting homes to gigantic state-run industrial facilities where mankind would toil in cool comfortable darkness 200 feet below ground. The tunnels would also connect to museums, theme parks, food courts, and schools. Soon, our bodies would grow pale, thick, and weathered; hair would begin sprouting in odd places. When food ran out, we would breed the weaker members of our species above-ground like cattle, then devour them as necessary. This is the “morlocks scenario,” and although it’s a morally repugnant dystopian nightmare world, I feel it’s the one best suited to present climate conditions.

I only participate in a few outdoor activities and they are all untenable at this point. Swimming in the pool is like jumping in a hot bowl of chicken noodle soup (I have Styrofoam noodles). Running around the nearby high school track during the day is some blistering Mephistophelean shit; the only time I can run is around midnight, and even then, it’s uncomfortable. When I take the dog for a walk, she turns around after a few yards and drags me back to the house. The leather seat of my car scorches skin, and if the seat belt buckle brushes my arm, it will cauterize my deliquescent flesh like an iron pressed to ice cream.

So enjoy your mild weather, New York. Enjoy your low of 62 degrees, Los Angeles. Fuck you, Diane Sawyer. You probably all think this weather is some sort of punishment on the region of the country least likely to believe in global warming, and maybe it is, but there are innocent bystanders here. I don’t deserve this. It’s unreasonable, it’s unnecessary, and I don’t appreciate it. TC mark


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  • EP

    I’m in DFW, and the only reason I can deal with the heat is because of how much water I’ve been drinking. Is it December yet? I’m ready for ice and snow.

  • borealis

    I work for a major company sending out roadside assistance to people in Texas. Please stop leaving the house if your car is a P.O.S. take a cab, get a ride somewhere…but you will break down, get me on the phone, and then cuss me out because you have to wait a super long time for a tow truck. I know it’s hot! The last person from Texas told me so! The sun is a fat yellow asshole.

  • Gregory Costa

    Since the beginning of time, man has yearned to destroy the sun. I shall do the next best thing: block it out. 

  • Samie Rose

    I wore a light sweater today walking from my car to the office. Go Minnesota!

  • Blake Austin

    I live in DFW and I think you left out the part about how ~joyful~ we are at the sight of rain. Or even a cloud. It’s really quite barbaric. 

  • herocious

    Austin heat is some shit. This is the first time in my life I’ve become acquainted with it. I need to become a morning person, something needs to change. Before 11AM is doable in Austin, but anything after 1PM all the way to midnight is sweltering. At least it inspired me to rant enough that I got a novel out of it. Seems kind of fair.

  • Annonymous

    worst. article. ever.

    • Another Anonymous

      Why do people do this with the periods?

      You can stop now; it’s not cute.

    • Samie Rose

      Such constructive feedback! You should take up literary criticism as a full time job! Brilliant!

      • poopy

        “not good enough to be titled ‘fear and loathing'”

      • Samie Rose

        I take my Hunter Thompson very seriously.

  • Denndoo

    Hello? Texas?

    You are among the ass-hats that made the most money from selling fossil fuels, which was stupid and greedy.

    I wish we could contain climate-change to where it belongs. We can’t.

    Good luck with your share.

    • Ben

      and you are an asshole for lumping people in one big group. Asshole.

    • Castle

      Thank you. As a Texan I will keep that in mind. Your comment was very productive and significantly improved my opinion on people living outside of Texas.

  • Gregory Costa

    The Twilight Zone has already told me how this is going to end…one of us is going to wake up with a nasty fever and realize that the raging sun isn’t burning us alive.  Ironically, the Earth is moving away from the sun and we’ll soon freeze!  Ahhh

    • Brad Pike

      What? No one told me this. NO ONE TOLD ME THIS!

  • Ashen1

    I’ve lived in 3 different states; New York, Pennsylvania and Minnesota. The farthest south I’ve ever gone is probably Virginia. But I guess as you say, people in Texas have poor decision making skills. I am still baffled whenever hurricane season comes around and on the news is houses being swept away by the floods. It makes sense though, Florida is #2.

    • EP

      Wait, it’s only people in Texas that have poor decision making skills? Watch “The Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia” and say that, with confidence, again. How are you baffled that hurricanes knock down houses/buildings in general? That happens during every hurricane, in every state. Not just Texas and Florida.

      • Ashen1

        Hey, I’m just repeating what the author wrote. Take that up with him. And I’m baffled by the fact that people keep building/rebuilding in areas that constantly get flooded(Maybe you can infer a little). If there was the threat that my home would be washed away, I would consider moving. The very least I would do is not live near the ocean or rivers. And yes you’re right, hurricanes knock down houses in Minnesota too.

      • EP

        When people relocate for careers, they might have to move to the coast. If people decide to work for oil/petroleum companies, usually they have to go to port cities, like Houston or Galveston, so they can be closer to their offshore drilling sites. Apologies for not meaning every state, I mean states where hurricanes frequently hit. Also, sometimes hurricanes can be large enough that they hit areas that aren’t near the ocean. Hurricane Ike hit a town  5 hours northwest of the Texas coast, so how far inland are we supposed to move to avoid hurricanes? I understand your point, living on the coast is a gamble some people are willing to take, and it IS annoying to see people rebuilding structures and not making them more stable after hurricanes.

  • Sad Guest

    i kno you r, but what am i

  • Chels

    well it’s your world brad pike, we all just live in it. 

  • Anonz

    I feel like dying. Thank you for mentioning my city though. :3

  • Greg Petliski

    “You probably all think this weather is some sort of punishment on the region of the country least likely to believe in global warming, and maybe it is…”


  • Guest

    This blogger is an idiot :)

  • Evil, Evil, BIG OIL!!!

    IT’S FUCKING TEXAS DUMB-ASS!!! We aren’t known for our temperate conditions. Shut up! Be quiet just as soon as you say thank you for your refined gasoline, natural gas, and all-around technical expertise when it comes to exploring,  procuring, refining, and delivering the energy of a nation.

    • Brad Pike

      Read this in a thick Texan accent like an angry rodeo announcer.

  • elaine

    fat yellow asshole…jesus

  • elaine

    still want 2 hang out though brad pike

    • Brad Pike

      Just send me a message on Facebook. Hanging out with strangers is the best.

  • elaine

    still want 2 hang out though brad pike

  • RainySummer

    Being Americans you are afforded the luxury of air con, running water, concrete cool buildings and shops from which to buy frozen or cold items.

    Also, being American, you are afforded the luxury of being ignorant of the rest of the known world. Think of those poor folk in Mexico, Africa, Australia, South America and the middle east who have none of these things.

    Don’t get me wrong, I wish no American harm from this current heatwave but there are plenty of people who deal with this every year and with the amount of money and infrastructure available to in the US you should be able to cope.

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