Okay, maybe not all ghosts, but most of them—let’s say 95% of them. Think of how long the human race has existed on this planet, the hundreds of thousands of years of people living and dying without graves, houses to haunt, or any significant vestiges of their existence. It makes no sense that Ghost Hunters, Ghost Adventures, Haunted Hotels, and all these other paranormal reality shows only ever seem to uncover ghosts from, say, the 1800s or 1900s when they should at least occasionally get EVPs of Native Americans discussing giant sloth hunting strategy or ancient Mesopotamians whining about the Euphrates overflowing all the time. The alternative would be to say that ghosts fade away over time which would seem to imply the human soul is as wispy and ephemeral as smoke, and that is too awful to consider. That is, if you believe in ghosts. Which I don’t. But if I did, most ghosts would have to be cavemen ghosts.
Let’s examine the behaviors described in a typical paranormal activity report. In a sense, ghosts are kind of like housecats. They wander aimlessly through the house at night. They knock over cups. They mess with the blinds. They lay on your chest in the bed. They scratch your arms. You look for them—can’t find them. And every once and awhile, they fucking rape you.
Okay, I guess that last one’s not like a cat, but all these activities do not seem indicative of intelligent rational human beings; I mean, if I was a ghost, I would pick up a pencil and write, ‘Yo dog, this is Brad. I’m a ghost. Bring in the scientists because I have a shit ton to tell people about the afterlife.’ Instead, they roam the house at night, knocking things over. Here’s a ghost knocking over a table:
Here’s a ghost knocking over a birdcage:
Here’s a ghost knocking over an old man:
As far as I can tell, they just knock stuff over all day long like it’s a full time job. This would indicate to me that ghosts are either mentally handicapped versions of their living selves (unlikely) or they’re cavemen ghosts.
Often, ghosts don’t seem to speak English or indeed any language. They moan or groan or laugh maniacally, but rarely do I hear, “I can see you masturbating,” or “It’s that fat bitch Jimmy who killed me,” never something coherent and substantive. In Ghost Adventures, host Zack Bagans frequently obtains EVP recordings of ghosts saying things like, “I don’t wanna,” or “Get out.” However, since his ear is already trained to hear English out of the cacophony of everyday life, the veracity of these messages is highly questionable most of the time—unless you don’t believe in ghosts in which case it’s nonsense each and every time just like seeing the devil’s face in the WTC towers’ smoke or Jesus’s face in your mashed potatoes. If ghosts possess even a limited ability to communicate, it means a lot of dead people are wasting our time whispering boring shit like, “Go away,” or “My blue pants,” or whatever. Ask the ghost which religion’s the real one. “It’s Islam.” Wow, really? “Yes.” Instead, ghosts just moan and groan like cavemen. That’s because they are cavemen. They’re cavemen ghosts, you idiot.
Another trademark of a haunting is ghosts banging on things. If I could reduce every paranormal reality show to one scene, it would be this: *BANG*—cut to night-vision close-up of some guy’s face—“What the fuck was that?” Evidently, ghosts feel an irrepressible urge to stomp around and punch the walls. This either means the afterlife turns people into angry assholes or, more likely, they’re cavemen ghosts. Witnesses tell stories like, “I was downstairs in the kitchen, cooking up a Tony’s party pizza when I heard stomping on the second floor. When I went up to check who was there, I didn’t see anyone.” Ghosts are possibly worse than upstairs neighbors who have loud sex and seem to be perpetually rearranging their furniture because at least with the neighbors, you can go upstairs and say, “Hey, keep it down,” or call the landlord and complain. With ghosts, you need hippies to come by your place and dump buckets of sage, rosemary, and holy water all over the carpet. Then afterwards, you have to vacuum that shit up. Meanwhile, the caveman ghost is probably just scared into leaving by the noisy vacuum cleaner which it thinks is a demon that eats dirt, an assumption you confirm when you’re like, “I don’t think this old Dirt Devil has very good suction.”
Further evidence is that ghosts are sexually uncivilized/deviant. They rape and molest people all the time. Here’s the host of Ghost Adventures Zack Bagans getting his butt pinched by a ghost:
That’s nothing though compared to all the people who describe being held down on the bed and ghost raped. Peter Duffy describes in TheChronicleHerald.ca being ass raped by a ghost, saying, “And then it was on top of me, soundless and unstoppable, smothering me, assaulting me. There’s no delicate way to put this; I was vividly aware of this creature violating me.” On a thriving Yahoo! messageboard titled “Did a ghost rape me???”, one person wrote, “I am a 35 year old man, who has experienced being raped by some kind of entity since I was fourteen years old. I try to talk to people about it, but no one seems to know anything about it, and in fact, they probably think that I am in need of professional help. It doesn’t happen so frequently now, but it still does happen.” This is probably a common experience known as sleep paralysis, but if I believed in ghosts, I’d be pretty sure it was ghost rape. Due to the high percentage of ghosts who are also rapists, one could infer that most rapists become ghosts after death. However, it seems more likely this behavior denotes a majority of ghosts being cavemen ghosts.
It’s important when investigating the paranormal to stay open to all possibilities, and that includes caveman ghosts, Neanderthal ghosts, and Homo floresiensis ghosts. Of course, it would be more exciting to have a house haunted by Stalin or Patrick Swayze, and yeah, it’d be comforting to be haunted by your great grandma or your cat that died six years ago, but let’s face facts. More likely than not, it’s a caveman ghost.