5 Animals That Need Dresses
By Brad Pike
The problem with saving animals from extinction is that so many of them are also scary, threatening, and nihilistic. I can’t empathize with them. I have no feeling of kinship with these fellow life forms. These particular animals seem to have been designed by nature specifically to evoke this reaction from me, so I don’t feel bad about it. Unlike cats, koalas, polar bears, penguins, and dolphins, these animals chose an evolutionary route antagonistic to mankind. When I look into their faces, there’s no serotonin release, no warm gushy sensation—only revulsion. Why did they evolve to be so ugly and mean looking, I wonder? But at the same time, they’re part of the food chain, so we can’t kill them all with poison. This is a real dilemma.
Well, I have a solution for all these ugly scary animals. Put dresses on them. People will want to help animals that are wearing dresses, I promise. Here’s a list of 5 animals that need dresses:
1. Bees
Bees scare the shit out of me. They are the creature I fear more than any other. I’ve never been stung by a bee, but that only makes the likelihood of being stung by one at any given moment a thousand times higher, so I’m only more frightened. You know what would make me less scared though? Bees flying around in black and gold evening gowns. Does the technology exist to make a trillion tiny evening gowns? Yes it does. It does if we want to save the planet, you idiot. If all the bees die out, then there’s nothing to pollinate the plants, and if the plants don’t get pollinated, there’s no basis for the entire food chain, and every living thing on earth dies. No one cares about saving the bees because bees sting people so fuck them. But if all the bees were wearing dresses, everyone would pitch in to save them; no one wants a bee in a tiny dress to die. I hate bees so much I’ve abandoned picnics and gone home when they started swarming a nearby trashcan, but even I would shed a tear at a dead bee in a tiny dress.
2. Sharks
Every Shark Week, the Discovery Channel shows me sharks the size of greyhounds leaping out of the ocean and devouring seagulls like winged blood filled popcorn. They show sharks jabbing their heads into protective cages, desperate to murder the scuba diving scientist, teeth gnashing, gullets gaping, eyes empty of soul. Then the narrator says something like, “Sharks are endangered by ocean pollution, boat propellers and overfishing. Please help the poor sharks.” Help the sharks? Why? So they can eat more surfers’ arms off who will, against the odds, continue surfing, thus giving us inspirational news stories to watch on 60 Minutes? That’s not enough, Discovery Channel. Put a ballerina costume on a shark, and we can talk though. A shark in a ballerina costume would remind me of Hillary Swank who’s also adorable and kind of scary, and if Hillary Swank’s life was imperiled by overfishing, you can bet Gorton would take a break—the American people would accept nothing less. Billions of waterproof ballerina costumes will need to be sewn, but it’ll be worth it in the end.
3. Snakes
There’s a damn good reason Jafar’s staff had a cobra on it and there’s a damn good reason Satan appeared as one in the Garden of Eden. It’s because snakes are evil and they have sex with your girlfriend every time you leave the apartment. They hate our technology, they hate our liberal culture, and they hate our freedoms. Mankind is their enemy, and that is why their jaws are cram-fucking-packed with lethal poison. Why would we save snakes from deforestation and rattlesnake roundups? Who wants to save this? Well, what if we gave every snake a tube top? Girls abhor reptiles with an undying passion, but a snake in a tube top would be irresistible. Millions of women would die of venomous bites after cuddling snakes wearing adorable pink tube tops, but it’d be worth the sacrifice to preserve such an integral species.
4. Draculas
These creatures live in secluded presumably abandoned medieval castles, slinking down to nearby villages at nightfall to suck the blood of attractive ladies. Like mosquitos, vampire bats, and leeches, they’re a species that requires blood for sustenance, and yet for some reason, they particularly terrify people. Angry mobs hunt them down with crosses, stakes, and garlic, and some countries like Switzerland and Germany have banned them entirely, but did you know that Draculas are endangered? Scientists think that due to illegal poaching, there are little more than 44 Draculas left in the wild. A thriving black market for ivory Dracula fangs has only placed further pressure on a species poised on the brink of extinction. However, put a purple cocktail dress on every Dracula, and they’re the bell of the ball. Everyone will want a hilarious transvestite Dracula at the party, and he/she can sing songs from Rocky Horror Picture Show.
5. The Killer Gorillas from the Movie Congo
They throw eyeballs at people, and they won’t share their enormous stockpile of diamonds. Furthermore, they’re velociraptor smart, they killed Bruce Campbell, and they have scary monster faces. Anyone sensible would think this is a species that needs to be wiped out which would be difficult considering they can only be killed by lava and laser beams. Who wants to set up a nature preserve for killer gorillas? But they’re extremely endangered, and the government of Zaire’s certainly not about to protect them, so what’s the solution? Get some dresses on those gorillas. They will look like fat old men wearing dresses which is so cute I want to puke all over the place.