Thought Catalog

The Pros and Cons of Living Inside a Dead Whale

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Pros

1. No Rent: Property values on dead whales are so low that investors fail to see any profit in them, and thus, there are no landlords to whom one would pay rent. This is a significant boon to students or the unemployed. Each month, you can use the rent money for other more rewarding fiscal opportunities such as world travel, high quality vegan ingredients, and exotic bath salts. The process of furnishing your whale carcass/home also becomes more affordable and expedient. While most homeowners must accumulate a vast sum of wealth over the course of many years to furnish their home to the desired living standards, for the shrewd whale carcass inhabitant, it takes only a few months. Drug addicts should also take notice of such cheap housing as it provides them surplus monthly income to obtain larger quantities of illegal substances as well as a reliable and secure place to use them.

2. Exclusivity: Most suburban homeowners must resign themselves to a house that resembles every other house on their street. Even wealthy mansion owners must accept the fact that they live in a house made of wood, concrete, steel, and glass just like every one else in America. The whale carcass inhabitant, however, has the unique privilege of residing in a home made of blood, tissue, and scales, a home made of the very constituents of organic life, a home unlike any other.

3. Beachfront Property: Look out your window, and you probably see a residential street, maybe an empty field, or possibly a parking lot. When you look out the window of a whale—carved into its flesh with a large steak knife—you see the ocean, the sun peeking up behind it like the dusty red eye of God. A sailboat floats serenely by in the distance, and a pelican dips down to snatch a fish. Smiling children construct a sandcastle. Light glitters off the cascading waves as you fall asleep to the ancient roar of the ocean. Thousands of great artists have been inspired by the ocean. Poets, painters, authors, and musicians—all professions typically accompanied by crippling poverty—will love the free rent and inspirational scenery.

4. Scantily Clad Men and Women: All those who pass by your dead whale house will, since you live on a beach, be wearing swimsuits. For those whose sexual urges are stimulated by the sight of uncovered flesh, this can be extremely gratifying. In the dark shadowy corners of the whale’s maw, who could say what depraved but compulsory activities one might undertake while staring out at sunbathers? Dead whales are unlisted on public sex offender databases, so this might be an excellent residence for sexual deviants, perverts, rapists, and molesters of all sorts.

5. Soft Comfortable Interior: Unlike the hard tile flooring or the flat inflexible walls of a typical home, the oral cavity and interior of a whale consists of a spongy pliable meaty material. It’s as if your entire home was lined with tempur-pedic mattresses. This makes it ideal for parents with a newborn. If the baby rolls off the counter onto the floor, the rotting meat flooring will cushion his fall like a bloody pinkish cloud. There are no sharp corners for the baby to run into, no electrical outlets to stick fingers inside, and no stairs to accidentally roll down and come prematurely to a brutal skull crushing end. Like the calming dormitories of a mental asylum, there are no ways to hurt oneself within a dead whale’s jaws.

6. Entirely Eco-friendly: For those who wish to live “off the grid” as it were and reduce their carbon footprints, a whale is by far the most environmentally sustainable form of habitation as it’s actually a preexisting part of the environment. No electricity is supplied to whale corpses, and even if you call your local utility company, they simply will not recognize it as a residence. There’s no natural gas, plumbing, phone line, internet connection, or any other link to the outside world. You are free of the chains of capitalism, of civilization’s culture of pollution, of the poisonous corporate sponsored nature murder operation, and what better way to achieve it than by living in a gigantic symbol for the plight of endangered species.

Cons

None: There are no cons. None whatsoever. TC mark

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    • Oliver Miller

      This is the best thing that anyone has ever written, ever.

      • brooke

        Whilst reading, I was convinced you Mr Miller were indeed the author of this article, as it came across in the same tone as articles you have written for this site. None the less fine job Brad Pike.

    • Craig Messner

      I'm interested in the revenue generating potential, myself. not only do you have all the material necessary to create your own sashimi bar (i hope i'm using that right oh god sorry i am white) but you also have religious imagery to draw on. Get some sort of middle eastern garb (that's what he would wear right oh god oh god) and present yourself as jonah to the religious crowd. Should be good for a shekel or two

    • No

      Psssst, whales don't have scales…

    • 2ci

      I thought I graduated high school a long time ago.

      • elle

        you were wrong.

    • yea

      think about living inside a real whale though. i know it's been done before and all but i think you'll find the aroma isn't as fragrant and the scenery constantly changes

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

      “…and the next day we ate whale.”

    • http://someharddrugs.blogspot.com Carolyn DeCarlo

      cons: rancid smell. however. does this con outweigh the many, many pros? NO.

      “come prematurely.” lolll

    • http://twitter.com/yanyun92 Lim Yan Yun

      yeah, saw this dead whale on craigslist, purchased it right away!

    • ferr

      Best. thing. ever.

    • https://thoughtcatalog.com/oliver-miller/2014/05/guess-what-girls-and-men-youre-both-annoying-as-shit/ Guess What, Girls And Men? You’re Both Annoying As Shit | Thought Catalog

      […] Fuck that noise. You get what you deserve. And by clicking, you’re choosing. This site no longer focuses on publishing the unique, the well-crafted, no longer focuses on long-form, on the in-depth writing that you can’t get anywhere else. We once had Megan Boyle listing every bizarre lie that she’s ever told (the essay that got me started reading this site). We once had Jack Cazir debating video games versus masculinity. We once had Brad Pike describing the practical aspects of living inside a dead whale. […]

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