The Biggest Stories On Your Facebook Newsfeed Last Year, Probably
January
In a shocking start to the year, someone confessed that they have long written LOL in their comments and status updates without actually laughing at all, let alone laughing loudly. Following this disclosure, a number of other Facebook members around the world stepped forward and admitted to doing the same. In addition, a Facebook member from Vermont divulged that they didn’t synchronize writing LOL with laughing out loudly.
In happier news that re-affirmed our faith in the goodness of humanity, someone posted an inspirational quote on their timeline, extolling positive attitude and living life to the full, which immediately lifted up the spirits of all those who read it and lead them to live a better, more productive life.
Someone sent you an invitation to play Farmville. You politely but firmly turned down the invitation, only to receive 50 more invitations to play Candy Crush.
February
A friend posted a photo of themselves from their younger days. The public response was immediate and split equally along tri-partisan lines:
33% said: ” Oooh! You haven’t changed one bit!”
33% said: ” Your son/daughter looks exactly like you!”
33% said: ” You look exactly like ____ ( insert name of a rock musician/actor/celebrity” ) in this photo!”
1% declined to comment.
March
A friend announced that they were getting tired and sleepy and that it was time for them to retire to bed. They wished everyone goodnight and promised to be back tomorrow.
A friend posted a witty status update whose humor escaped everyone else. Consequently, it received no comments and only one automatic “like” from their mom.
In scandalous news, someone you might have taken a class with once admitted to sending a Facebook message without any greeting at the beginning and without any farewell, not even “All the Best” or “Regards”, at the end.
April
Your cousin felt a real sense of achievement after signing an online petition for a social/political/environmental cause.
In another controversial event of the year, after months of wild speculation as to how his status updates had suddenly become so hysterically funny, someone tearfully admitted that, in a desperate bid for online popularity and fame, he had hired a team of ghostwriters to write his material for him.
In further shocking news, your sister confessed that it is not her but the family dog in her icon photo and that she looks nothing like a golden retriever.
May
A second cousin once removed announced that they were feeling hungry and peckish, and that it was time for them to have breakfast. They bid their friends farewell and promised to be back soon.
In follow-up to the earlier story, your second cousin reported that they successfully had breakfast, and to corroborate their announcement, kindly provided, in the form of a snapshot, photographic evidence of their meal.
Your mom’s coworker who friended you once, faced with a critical decision at the crossroads of her life, posted her dilemma as a status update, so that people she had never met or spoken to could help her decide. She then decided to solve of all of her life’s problems and challenges that way, by posting them as status updates on her timeline and hoping that someone would come up with a right answer.
June
A friend announced that they were feeling peckish and hungry and that it was time for them to have either late lunch or early dinner. They bid their friends farewell and promised to be back soon.
Your brother posted a link on their timeline to a YouTube video of a song that they like.
In one of the more unusual stories of the year, a friend brazenly admitted to cheating on his friends when using Facebook chat by chatting to more than one of them at the same time.
July
Your dad announced that he was feeling peckish and hungry and that it was time for them to have supper. He bid his friends and family farewell and promised to be back soon.
Your old neighbor “liked” the status update of their friend but didn’t leave any comment.
To make up for not having received any comments on their status update, someone whose friend request you accepted without knowing them proceeded to post comment after comment on it themselves.
August
A coworker, overcome by their love for humanity and wanting to make the world a better place, wished everyone a Good Morning as well as a Happy Weekend!
In inspirational and heart-warming news, after your mom posted a “Tibet for Tibetans!” image on their timeline, the rulers in Beijing granted immediate political freedom to that country.
A frenemy posted an image that depicted, in a humorous and clever way, the difference between men and women.
Your crush felt quite proud of themselves after posting a clever status update.
September
Someone, concerned that others may have forgotten what he looks like, helpfully posted a new photo of himself on his timeline.
Your aunt immediately clicked “Like” on the latest status update of her offspring.
Another cousin, feeling particularly adventurous, sent out a friend request to a complete stranger of opposite sex.
Someone you met at a party once posted a funny image that expresses well their hatred of Mondays.
October
Your ex, full of gratitude for the energy boost that coffee had given them, posted an image that praises, in a humorous way, the virtues and almost magical powers of the aforementioned beverage.
Despite their fear of going blind and growing hair on the palms of their hands, your other ex could not stop themselves from liking their own status update.
Your ex’s new flame realized, to their chagrin, that they had run out of cruelly cynical, yet witty, things to say about other Facebook members. Millions around the globe sighed a sigh of relief.
In disturbing news, your ex’s sister shocked her friends by logging out of Facebook and not wishing them “Good Night”.
November
A friend congratulated, without really meaning it, another friend on their birthday, the terse two word greeting (“Happy Birthday!”) indicating their indifference.
In tragic news, your great-aunt, apparently of a self-inflicted wound, surrounded by hundreds of self-help books and compilations of inspirational and life-affirming quotations. Police are yet to determine the motive, as no final note was found.
On a lighter note, the person you wanted to be in high school posted a photo of themselves as a baby. All the comments were a variation of: ” Ooh, how cute you looked!”
Having nothing better to do, that person you once hooked up with decided to analyze the LOLs that other members write in their comments and status updates and to classify the LOLs into various categories.
December
In follow-up to the previous story from November, the person you once hooked up with, having classified the LOLs into 15 different categories and 8 sub-categories, then unilaterally appointed himself as Facebook’s adjudicator of the LOLs that other members write in their comments and status updates, insisting that they specify which category of LOL their LOL belongs to.
A family friend was tormented by pangs of guilt after deleting a friend they have never said one word to online nor ever met in real life.
Your best friend, overcome by nostalgia, posted a link to a YouTube video of a song that reminded them of their youth.
Your old babysitter, appalled and horrified by the narcissistic, self-absorbed person that they had become, deleted their account and left Facebook forever.