1. Pay for me out of obligation.
If you say, “Oh, I guess I should pay for you too” and then pause and give me a look, that is not cool. At least give me a chance to offer to pay before you give me attitude. Punk.
2. Have poor hygiene.
At this point in our lives, how can good hygiene on a date ever be questioned? If I’m talking to you and I look down at your hands and your fingernails are black underneath, I’m going to feel a little nauseous. There’s no way any girl is holding that hand, unless it’s to drag it to a salon.
3. Laugh at EVERYTHING.
All I said was, “Yeah, I’m thirsty” and you broke into a boisterous body-shaking laugh that scared the shit out of me. I’m honestly not that funny. This may be a nervous tick, but I’m just uncomfortable now.
4. Be boring.
If you follow everything I ask you about (i.e. why you turned vegan or why you moved here) with, “I just did it,” then this will not go well. Seriously, unless you work for Nike, give me something to work with. I’m about to fall asleep here.
5. Only talk about yourself.
I get it, you’re awesome and I like hearing about you. You have three siblings, a successful career, and you find yourself hilarious. Want to know something about me? I do actually have a last name, if you’d like to ask.
6. Talk about people without mentioning who they are.
“Yeah, Andrew told me the best joke.” “Who’s Andrew?” “Oh, sorry, my boss. And then Tim walked in…” WHO THE HELL IS TIM? Seriously, dude, I’ve spent a total of two hours with you, I don’t know everyone in your life and what they do.
7. Ask how much I weigh.
Is this necessary? I don’t care if I weigh 90 or 900 pounds, there’s nothing flattering about this question.
8. Encourage another guy to hit on me.
First of all, this isn’t going well if the guy next to me isn’t even aware that we’re on a date. Also, don’t tell me to take the drink he offered to buy me because you’re either trying to pawn me off on someone else or just don’t want to buy me another drink.
9. Take a long phone call.
Discussing something with your buddy or having a lengthy conversation with your mother about the next time you’re visiting are legit reasons to be on the phone… but not when it leaves me waiting alone for 30 minutes.
10. Get angry when I won’t go back to your place.
Oh, I see what you’re doing there. But not kissing me goodbye and storming off angrily won’t exactly make me hot for you.
11. Ask me to be your girlfriend.
Welcome to crazy town. Why do this? I’ll be out there so fast you’ll see smoke.
12. Say, “I love you.”
There is something worse than asking me to be your girlfriend on a first date. This is definitely not okay, as Ted Mosby has taught us. Say you love puppies, beer, or lamp. But please don’t tell me you love me, because it’s just terrifying.