Sharing a bed with your partner can be a revealing exercise about what we’re truly capable of as human beings.
When it’s 4 AM and you’re hovering over your snoring partner with a pillow, wondering how much force to apply to do the job without making it look like a struggle, you learn essential truths about yourself.
Granted, most couples probably aren’t trying to make their partner fall asleep forever. Clandestine murder aside, sharing a bed can actually be pretty rad for the most part. But it’s not without its struggles.
As any generic sitcom will tell you, there’s an eternal struggle over the state of the blanket, but that’s not even the tip of the iceberg. Sharing a bed with your partner can have consequences that range from irritating (blanket hog) to downright terrifying (talking in their sleep).
You don’t know fear until you’ve been awoken in the middle of the night by your partner mumbling what your half-asleep brain will surely interpret as incantations. And sometimes, it feels like it was easier being a kid, when a monster under the bed was the only inconvenience you had to account for.
- On a cold night, the blanket is more contested than the Gaza Strip.
- The first person to get out of bed in the morning is a traitor to the cause.
- Snoring is tantamount to a war crime.
- The other person is scientifically proven to fidget JUST as you’re falling asleep.
- Her hair will find a way into his face, eyes and/or mouth no matter how well it’s tied up.
- The irradiating glow of one person using their phone while the other is trying to sleep.
- It’s too hot when snuggling. It’s too cold when apart.
- The resentful fatigue because your partner’s work alarm wakes you an hour before you need to be up.
- Putting a fitted sheet on the bed is magically even harder with two people.