Everyone knows the stereotype: men are hunters whose only goal in sex is conquest. We’re driven to “spread our seed” and want for nothing more than physical satisfaction.
But is it true? Do men only desire emotionally detached sex without complication?
I suppose you clicked the headline, so you already know what my answer is going to be. Believe it or not, sex as an emotional connection is not solely in the domain of women.
It’s a strange position to be in, since the vast majority of society and media seem to indicate I should feel otherwise. But when I’ve been put in the position to have a one-night stand, I just can’t do it.
I mean, don’t get me wrong; I’ve tried. But I’ve found that if my heart’s not in it, the rest of me isn’t either. And that’s OK. I own it. It’s my thing.
Although, when I was single, my friends would think it was pretty weird I wasn’t trying to get into the pants of everything with two legs and a vagina.
“She’s hot and she’s TOTALLY into you, dude. What are you doing?”
Waiting for someone more interesting, I guess?
That’s not really an acceptable answer to a bunch of guys. They simply can’t process it.
But I don’t begrudge them — I’m the outlier here — valuing someone who will open their heart over someone who will open their legs.
And it’s not a religious thing or a libido thing or a confidence thing. My girlfriend would probably describe me as a little TOO self-assured (she’s probably right).
It’s just that I’m way more turned on by someone I have a connection with on a mental and emotional level. To me, a woman isn’t just a vagina with a body attached to it.
Crazy, I know, but it’s what makes sense to me. Looking attractive isn’t enough to make me want to get into bed with a person.
I want the pounding heart as she surprises and impresses me. I want the seeds of a crush growing inside me. I want the excitement and possibility of wondering where this will lead.
They say the brain is the biggest erogenous zone and I know this to be true. Make me laugh or teach me something new and you’ll get in my pants way faster than any outfit or alcohol.
So, why am I telling you all this? What’s the point?
I don’t believe for a second that I’m some special unique snowflake. I bet there are a lot of dudes out there who think like me but maybe are afraid to admit it because of the prevailing sentiment that opened this essay. And there are probably plenty of guys out there who feel like I do, and openly admit it.
The reason it’s important for you to know this is because the most common complaint I hear from my women friends is that “Guys are only interested in sex” — that they only care about getting in your pants.
And it affects how you approach dating and relationships. If you assume that all guys are out to sleep with you at all costs, then of course you’re going to be more defensive (unless that’s what you’re looking for!).
But what if this attitude closes you off to meeting a guy who’s not like that? If you assume that his benevolent acts are just buttering you up so he can get you naked?
Also, I’ve had female friends say to me that guys won’t start opening up and being interested in you as an actual person until AFTER you sleep with them.
Sleeping with someone just to find out if they might be interested in you seems like a losing transaction. It’d be totally awesome if you could know if a dude thought you were rad before you hooked up.
And you can. We exist!
My hope is that by breaking this common stereotype, you might not automatically dismiss the guy of your dreams out of a jaded defensiveness.