Ahh, the catcall — the unsolicited dick pick of real life. Every time a catcaller opens their mouth, you want to put a gun in it. It certainly makes your daily commute an act of heroic restraint.
I’ve literally never heard anyone give a reason as to why they catcall, either. What do they think is going to happen? “Oh hey, this guy with meth mouth screamed at me outside a Waffle House. What ever will I do with all these orgasms?”
It’s difficult to rationalize an actual human person spewing out verbal sexts to passersby. That’s essentially what they’re doing; no one’s quoting Shakespearean sonnets to women on the street. (Or maybe I just skimmed over the part where Romeo yelled up at the balcony for Juliet to “smile.”)
While no one person can stem the tide of catcalling, these techniques can help you thwart these brigands and exit the encounter with the upper hand:
1. The helpful retort.
It requires a patented blend of concentrated immaturity sprinkled with a deep, internal sadness to think that shouting at strangers on the street could add value to anyone’s life.
When an ungentlemanly caller yells at you to “smile,” immediately return with helpful life advice — like hygiene tips. He opened up the floor for suggestions by telling you how to live your life, so it’s only fair you return the favor.
Here are some options, depending on the reaction you want to elicit:
Insulting: “Brush your teeth.”
Baffling: “Rollover your 401(k) into a Roth IRA.”
BOTH: “Suck my d*ck.”
No matter which you choose, he’ll be taken aback by your quick retort and put on the defensive.
Be prepared to be called names as you triumphantly walk away like an action hero from a slow-motion explosion. But pay no worry … he’s just an infant throwing a tantrum at that point.
2. The broken record.
A particular breed of catcaller is aurally accosting you to attempt to look dominant and alpha-male in front of his friends. This is where you can go all Sun-Tzu and turn his own weapon against him.
After his initial volley, simply reply, “What?” as you walk away. If he repeats his catcall, do it again. And again.
Why? Here’s the thing: 99% of catcalls are utterly ludicrous. The other 1% are calls performed to actual cats.
How alpha-male is he going to feel making whistling or kissing noises 4 times in a row in front of his friends before he realizes you’re messing with him?
Maybe hearing his own foolishness aloud will cause him to pause for a moment of introspection and reconsider all the choices in his life that led him to demeaning women in the street…. Just kidding, but at least the douchebag will feel bad.
3. And if all else fails, use your headphones.
Sometimes the only winning move is not to play. Donning a pair of headphones can be your own personal invisibility cloak.
You don’t even need to listen to anything if you don’t really want to. Most, if not all, guys won’t bother to waste your time with catcalls if they’re going to fall on deaf hears.
Pair the headphones with a steely-eyed gaze and you’ll give off the unmistakable vibe that they’re not getting anything from you…unless what they want to get is stabbed.