I Want You To Break My Heart

Sophia Louise
Sophia Louise

You’re not as sure as I am that we should be together. I’ve had way more time to think about it, but for you, this whole “liking another girl” thing came as a complete surprise.

I can’t fault you for being cautious for your own sake. I needed a ton of time to figure that all out myself, so I totally understand why you’d want to wait and see to try to really understand what’s going on with you.

But please, don’t be cautious for my sake.

I’ll be okay, really, I promise.

We’re already doing all the things that couples do – besides admitting it. Pulling back from me now to protect me from some potential future pain isn’t going to help at all.

I like you. You like me. For whatever reason, we were supposed to meet.

If I’m being really, embarrassingly honest, I had a bit of a crush on you even before I found you on that park bench.

And that day, I felt such an immediate connection, like my soul was happy, that my slight crush ramped right up to full on wow-I-would-date-this-girl feeling.

After that, every time I saw you, everything we did together, just felt really right. And I feel like you know exactly what I mean.

Being around you, just laying around doing nothing, grocery shopping, going for walks, and drives, watching trashy tv – no matter what, it just felt a thousand times better to be alive next to you.

There was just that slight issue that you were pretty clearly into guys. So I was like, okay, that’s fine. We were probably just meant to be good friends. Really really good friends.

But then you tell me: hey so actually, this is really weird because I’ve never liked a girl before but… I might have a crush on you.

In the history of queer girls falling for straight girls, do you know how much that just does not happen?

It really does not ever happen.

So I feel like it would be a huge waste of luck and serendipity to not pursue this.

You’re worried I’m gonna get hurt when you eventually figure out this isn’t really what you want.

There’s a pretty good chance that will happen. And yeah, that won’t exactly be super pleasant for me.

But you know what’s super unpleasant for me right now- at this current moment?

Not being with you.

It’s fucking stupid not to, when I know it’s what we both want.

And it would bother me way more to never have the chance at all.

Cause there’s two options here:

1. We cut things off, tone things down. I stop kissing you whenever I get the chance and you stop making me mixtapes and breakfast in bed. We go back to pretending that we are just good friends. And then in three weeks when we graduate, we say goodbye for good.

OR

2. We take an absolutely terrifying chance and admit that we might want to be together. And then for the next three weeks, we could figure out what that actually means – and what it feels like to be with someone whose soul connects to yours.

If at the end of that, you decide it’s not for you, it will definitely suck. Probably for both of us.

But Option 1 would suck WAY more.

I’d much rather try and fail, than always be wondering whether it might have worked out if we’d just taken that risk.

I am very aware that taking that risk might end with me getting my fragile little heart beaten with a club.

But ya know… I’m supposed to be a writer; a little angst will be good for me.

Am I supposed to live my whole life avoiding love just because I might get hurt?

I’d really rather get my heart broken, but thanks for asking. TC mark

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  • http://markamsite.wordpress.com markam7

    good luck :)

  • http://puckerupbuttercup.wordpress.com Baroness Buttercup

    Flipping the straight woman … I blame most “lesbian” movies for perpetrating that stereotype. Imagine Me and You, Desert Hearts, Elena Undone, Room In Rome, DEBS — the list goes on and on.

  • http://lafashling.wordpress.com vickylonia

    Nice work… I am impressed
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    Thanks

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