Martin Short, ~60
Despite his “zany” style of comedy and physical expression, I imagine Martin Short for the most part enjoys clean, straightforward sex. I imagine him as sexually repressed in a way that he’d like to have sex freely and at large, though is constrained by the will to cross into pure physical hedonism; thus, he only has sex when he finds himself cornered by a fan, scared, and essentially cooperates as a method of escape.
Luke Wilson, ~18
I know the less-annoying Wilson maintains an odd sect of admirers who find him attractive in the I-always-felt-special-about-my-brother department, and yet I can’t imagine Luke Wilson taking too much advantage of his position. Each sex he does comes as the culmination of 6-8 months of courting, conversing, and getting progressively more intimate, a process which requires watching each of his films in order with a potential love candidate, and judging from their expression whether they actually respect him as an artist or not.
Aaron Carter, ~300
Sexy awkward teen grows up in the urban moneyed wild in the footsteps of a brother whose tally likely doubles his no matter what he does to affect the balance? Pour a banana shooter into this kid and he’s hitting it, no matter how it feels.
Alex Trebek, ~600
I imagine Trebek on Craigslist in his dressing room before each show, setting up dates both for after the shoot and before the shoot the following day, posting photos with his head cropped out in the blue glow of the Jeopardy! studios, hinting just enough to a potential partner that they could never actually place him, but that subconsciously the hours they’ve spent seeing Trebek’s face grinning and correcting contestants trigger through the other’s body culminating in a crushing curiosity to see if dude takes off his sportscoat while he thrusts.
Bill Hader, ~0
Either it’s the haircut, or the glasses, or the jaw or how he talks, or what he says when he is talking, or I really can’t say what, but I can’t shake the feeling even this dude’s wife has never seen him with his briefs off. Maybe this is why I also imagine that whenever he closes his eyes he sees his genitals, flaccid, against a field of bright green grass.
Paul Ryan, ~0
Yeah, zero also. Sex with wolves and cardboard cutouts of yourself don’t count.
Tori Amos, ~9
The red hair terrifies me. I don’t see how you go about this process with her. It seems like with the nine I can imagine that she must have sexed the sex involved white linen and miles of sand and a pack of nails and the sound of glass shattering playing on loop and a French guy lubing the areas with a spatula and expensive oils. Not trying to be a jerk about this; I’m sure it’s lovely.
Bob Stupak, ~[current population of the world]
I don’t imagine the average reader here would know who Bob Stupak is, which is part of why my estimate seems correct. Do a Google Image Search and scroll through the results and I think you’ll understand immediately. For bonus understanding, find a video of him speaking (or imagine: anal-esque pursed lips lending a logic that does not concern you or anyone else alive). Sex with Bob Stupak isn’t even really sex, which is why there’s no age restriction on his range here. Bob Stupak simply exists. Where he touches the land the land touches him back.
Ryan Gosling, ~4
There is an extensive process of interviewing, auditioning, wooing, exhibiting, conditioning, and altogether trial-by-review that must go on for a candidate to lie in the white bed beside the gold headed child. The auditions are performed by Ryan’s parents, who oversee a licensed board of PhDs and dignitaries who are qualified to quantify the traits of a woman worthwhile for the chalice that is their son. In the meantime, Ryan writes sonnets and goes fishing with homeless children, waiting for the next inch-thick file of candidate research to be delivered to him by mare.
Barbara Walters, ~90
I imagine Ms. Walters likes to lie on her stomach. She likes a mirror above the bed but she doesn’t really look at it anymore; it’s for the other. She records every session on a private digital database that in the evenings she likes to drink coffee and review. She takes notes about different subtleties in her partners’ performances; the way a section of muscle seems to pulse through the skin from one angle or another; the way her body changes over time. She burns the notes in a fire in the backyard while listening to Vivaldi.
Paul Rudd, ~30
It seems like more often than having sex Paul Rudd would just enjoy taking people homes and getting them naked and then pretending like he’s going to try to sex them but then always stopping just before he puts it in and then remembering he has to go do something else like make sure he locked his car’s doors in the driveway or set his alarm clock for getting up later or putting a semi-important letter in the mailbox. The ladies think its funny and cute at first but then it starts to get kind of annoying and then really annoying, kind of the way his movies work.
Lady Gaga, ~12
Twelve seems normal. Lady Gaga is normal, try as she might to make what she does seem insane. If directly asked for an actual number, she’d probably write down something like &#%^GTE, or draw a picture of a cat. But yeah, I’m going with 12, no question.