You know the moment it happens. The longing stares turn to quick glances. The kisses hello and goodbye turn to shallow hugs. The warm feeling of your relationship is gone. Like a candle being snuffed and the delicate tendrils of smoke spiraling up, disappearing into thin air. You know the moment it happens.
The moment you realize it’s the beginning of the end. I always thought that statement was moronic- ‘the beginning of the end’. But that’s what it is. That nagging inkling in the pit of your stomach that something is wrong.
You try to convince yourself that everything is fine, that you’re imagining stuff, that you’re just being insecure. And sometimes you are. But sometimes you’re not. If you’re someone like me, you can feel yourself turning into those girls you pitied. The desperate girls, devastated their boyfriend no longer treats them the same, predicting the breakup is imminent.
You hate yourself for feeling that way, but have a new understanding about it. Because it all suddenly makes sense. Cue coffee dates with your girlfriends filled with ranting and their reassurance that you are indeed “over thinking,” the sad 8tracks playlists, and the self doubt. You reminisce about how your relationship used to be, carefree and fun.
The butterflies you used to feel when you’d go on dates, and the mornings you’d spend together laughing hysterically in bed and eating frosted flakes out of the box. The two of you still do activities, and still do have fun, but it just isn’t the same. It just isn’t working anymore. And it hurts. It hurts in that sickening way that takes your appetite away.
You miss how he used to be, and the way you used to be. Neither of you want to break up, so no one says anything. Because once someone speaks up, it’s real. The words hanging in the air, dripping with finality.
Relationships aren’t certain, but then again nothing is. People grow, sometimes growing out of each other. It’s only life’s natural course, and deep down you know it’s for the best. But for now it’s just the beginning of the end. And that’s the most painful part because you know. You know the moment it happens.